Back home, Maria walked in the door and went straight to the bathroom. She looked at her cell phone to check the time, then hovered awkwardly over the toilet. She felt so foolish. \n\nShe set the pregnancy test on the edge of the sink and washed her hands. As she waited for the test to resolve, Sofia banged on the door.\n\n"Dad says we can have ice cream after dinner if you say it's okay."\n\nMaria told her she'd be out in a minute and they could talk about the ice cream then, but only if everyone finished their homework. \n\nFour children suddenly felt like so many. She'd been so relieved to get Nicole out of diapers and her children seemed to be doing so well. Maybe she wouldn't be pregnant and she wouldn't have to think about that any more. But just as she'd settled on that thought, Maria looked down at the test. \n\nTwo purple lines. Maria was pregnant.\n\nShe wrapped the test in toilet paper and put it back in her pocket. At least when she and Miguel talked later, they could be really, truly sure.\n\n[[Next|Talk]]

All of Maria's worries temporarily dissipate as she holds her new son in her arms. He's perfect.\n\n"I still like the idea of naming him after you," Miguel says. "I think our last child should be named after the person who created our family."\n\nMaria looks down at her son. "Hello, Mario," she says. \n\n[[Next|Keep Epilogue]]

The second clinic isn't any more encouraging. The receptionist is friendly and tries to be helpful, but Maria feels more and more stuck.\n\n"Unfortunately, we're really overscheduled right now. We wouldn't be able to get you in for the procedure until next week, which would put the cost at $1,350."\n\nMaria feels dizzy and has to sit down. The logistics of getting that much money together that quickly are overwhelming, not to mention the possibility of having to go to Dallas. \n\n[[Next|Discuss logistics]]

Gabi enters the house holding a hefty stock pot.\n\n"I know you're probably tired most of the time now," Gabi says. "I made you a big pot of soup. It should feed everyone tonight and maybe you can get a few lunches out of it, too."\n\nMaria wants to cry. She feels terrible for wanting to keep the baby.\n\n"What's wrong?" Gabi asks.\n\n"Oh, you know. Hormones." Maria shrugs it off and gives a half laugh.\n\n"Why don't you go relax in front of the TV for a little bit? Zone out. I'll keep Nicole entertained."\n\n"Thanks," Maria says. The thought of watching a mindless sitcom, even for half an hour, is a relief.\n\nMaria sits down and starts channel surfing. She settles on a show and does her best to make herself comfortable. Eventually, she dozes off.\n\nWhen Maria wakes up, she can tell she's been out for at least an hour, maybe more. She hears Nicole's voice and creeps into the kitchen to find Gabi helping Nicole make macaroni art. \n\nAs Maria looks at her cousin, so happy and content, she knows she's making the right choice. She'll always feel a connection to this baby, but it's Gabi's turn to be a mother.\n\n[[Next|Labor]]

Maria's last day of work is two weeks before her due date. It has been especially difficult to be on her feet so much these last few weeks of pregnancy and Maria is looking forward to the chance to rest a little. Still, she's glad for the extra income that working has provided. There have been some months where they've been able to put a little extra into savings. Daniel wants to go to overnight camp next summer, and Sofia has been asking for tap dancing lessons. Maria knows they still have to be careful, but she hopes she can grant her children their wishes soon.\n\nOn the morning of her last shift at work, Maria feels a contraction. Despite the intensity, it's over in about thirty seconds. Maria is a little worried that she might be in early labor, but as the morning passes and she doesn't have another one, she writes it off as Braxton Hicks. She was plagued with those during her pregnancy with Sofia. It looks like she wasn't spared this time, either.\n\n[[Next|Labor 2]]

As soon as Maria hangs up the phone, she gets another call. This time it's the construction company. Miguel got hurt at work, and is in the hospital.\n\nAlthough Maria knows she needs to be careful, she also can't just sit around the house. She assembles the children, tasking Daniel with helping get Nicole ready. They pile into the car and head to the hospital. Maria isn't sure which makes her more anxious: fear for Miguel or fear for her baby.\n\nAfter waiting for nearly an hour, Maria finally gets to see a doctor. Miguel had been rushed into surgery before they arrived. He's fine, but will be out of work for at least two months, possibly more. \n\nMaria steels herself and attempts to control her nerves. He can get on disability. She can try to do more work from home hours. They will be fine. They have to. \n\n[[Next|Miguel hurt 2]]

Maria didn't know she could feel so drained. She's so tired she can't even cry, even though she's hurt by Miguel's anger. In a way, she's relieved she at least got her feelings out in the air. This won't be an easy problem to work out. But at least now she isn't holding things in.\n\nAs she gets ready for bed, Maria thinks hard about her family and their future. It's true that she was raised in the Church and that she wants her family and her children to live up to the pillars of their faith. And Miguel is right, there is a big difference between using condoms and having an abortion. \n\nMaybe their family isn't complete. Maybe one more child really would be a blessing. Maybe the financial struggles of this month combined with the unexpected news of the pregnancy are exacerbating her fears. She and Miguel have done well enough so far and both of their families have always been helpful and supportive. \n\nStill, she can't help but shake the feeling that she's done having babies, that she just can't do it again, that it's time to focus on the children she has now rather than adding more.\n\nBut what does that matter if Miguel is so violently opposed to abortion? What would it do to their marriage if she went ahead and had the abortion? As much as Maria doesn't want another baby, she also loves her husband, loves the family they have. She can't imagine splitting them up, having to divide time with their children. \n\n[[Maria decides to continue with the pregnancy.|Make up]]\n[[Maria decides to have an abortion without Miguel's input.|Secret abortion]]\n[[Maria decides to wait for Miguel to discuss things further.|Wait for Miguel]]\n

"Do... Do you think if we kept it, we could work it out?"\n\nMiguel looks over at her. "Yes. I know we can."\n\n"Really?"\n\n"I believe in us, Maria. I always have."\n\n[[Next|Six weeks later]]

Maria sighs. "As tired and frustrated and scared as I am right now, I don't know that I could just give our baby up. I mean, I know Gabi and Victor would be wonderful parents. They would love to adopt. But..."\n\n"I know what you mean," Miguel says. "It would be really hard to let our baby be raised by someone else. Even if that someone else is family. Look, I know everything is really uncertain right now. But we can go over the numbers tomorrow when we've both had some sleep. I know we can make it work."\n\n"I love you," Maria says.\n\n"I love you, too."\n\n[[Next|Prenatal 1]]\n\n

Maria wakes up when Miguel comes in. \n\n"What time is it?"\n\n"Shh, it's very late. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."\n\n"It's okay."\n\n"Go back to sleep," he says, giving her a gentle kiss.\n\n"I'm sorry, Miguel."\n\n"You don't have to be sorry. I... I think maybe you were right."\n\nMaria sits up, suddenly feeling awake. "Really?"\n\nMiguel crawls into bed and pulls her close. "Yeah. I mean, it's awful to think about, but... when I was mulling it over tonight, a lot of what you said made sense. I'm not happy about it, but if you really think you should go through with it, I'll support you." \n\n[[Next|Abortion]]

As the phone rang, Maria worried she might have made a mistake in calling, but then Alicia picked up. \n\nAlicia practically shouted a greeting over the phone before launching into a story about work. Alicia was upset and Maria tried to listen, but she didn't really have time and she couldn't quite put the story together. When she finally got the story sorted -- sales were down and the owner was threatening to cut everyone's hours -- Maria was starting to feel rushed.\n\n"Alicia--" she interjected, and Alicia finally paused.\n\n"Alicia, I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. I'm buying a test right now, but I'm sure."\n\nAlicia listened as Maria explained her worries and misgivings. She offered to help any way she could but Maria was sure it wouldn't be enough. And shouldn't Alicia be thinking about herself? She certainly deserved a better job than the bakery.\n\nThe conversation lulled and Maria could hear her sister take a deep breath.\n\n"You don't have to have the baby, Maria. If you don't want to. You don't have to."\n\nMaria felt a little scandalized -- Maria and her sister had been raised Catholic and she cared enough about her faith to send her children to Catholic school, even if she rarely attended Mass anymore. But she knew even her mother had used birth control, and hearing the suggestion come from her sister relaxed Maria a little bit. She wasn't sure what she wanted and she knew she would not make any decision without Miguel, but she also felt comforted that her sister would support her no matter what.\n\n[[Continue|Home2]]

Maria felt embarrassed and drove an extra mile to go to a drugstore a little further from her house. She kept telling herself it didn't really matter, that this was normal. But even though she was married, and even though she was a dedicated mother and she had a good job, Maria couldn't help but feel that she had somehow done something wrong.\n\nMaria's mother had always stressed how important it was to really plan a family, to have children when you were ready for them and could provide. It was part of why Maria had wanted to become a nurse in the first place. She really believed in the difference that healthcare could make for people's lives. She worked providing in-home care now, but she hoped someday to work as a pediatric nurse or in obstetrics.\n\nIn the drugstore parking lot, Maria paused a moment to swallow her tears. It was going to be fine. She had Miguel. She had a good job. Everything would be fine. But what if it wasn't? What if Miguel really wanted the baby and she didn't? \n\nShe wished she could talk to someone. She pulled out her phone. She could call her sister but Miguel was at home waiting for her.\n\n[[Maria decides to call her sister.|Sister]]\n[[Maria decides to rush home.|Home2]]

"Maybe you could give the baby to Gabi," Alicia says.\n\nMaria chuckles. "Good one."\n\n"I'm not kidding! I'm serious! Look, I get why you don't want an abortion, but if you're ambivalent about raising a fourth child, and Gabi and Victor can't have one of their own..."\n\n"You think they'd really go for that?"\n\n"Gabi said the only reason they're not consideirng adoption is because there's no way they could afford it. But it's not going to cost them tens of thousands of dollars to adopt the baby from you."\n\nMaria can barely bring herself to seriously consider the situation. On the one hand, it would probably make Gabi and Victor happy. On the other hand, could she really just give up her baby to be raised by her cousin? \n\n"Miguel would never go for it."\n\n"Okay, whatever. But in answer to your original question, yes, I can take Nicole on Friday. They dropped us to twenty hours a week at the bakery, so I'm off that day altogether. Man, I don't know what I'm going to do for rent. Guess I need to look for a second job. "\n\n"We can talk about it more when I see you on Friday. I'll see what I can do to help you out." Maria says.\n\n[[Next|Adoption discussion]]

Three months later, Maria comes home feeling drained. She's been picking up extra shifts because Miguel got injured on the job six weeks ago and hasn't been able to work. The disability payments don't go as far as his regular paycheck. The doctor says he'll be ready to go back in a few more weeks, and Maria is relieved. She doesn't mind working more, but she looks forward to having two incomes again.\n\nShe pauses before going into the house. She sees Miguel on the couch, his arm in a brace. The kids are snuggled against him on the couch and he's reading them a story.\n\nMaria briefly thinks about how far along her pregnancy would be if she'd made a different decision. She's had those moments occasionally in the past few months. But as she looks in at her complete family, she knows she did what was right for them.

"What are you thinking about?" Miguel asks as they drive away from the hospital.\n\n"You really want to know?"\n\n"Yes."\n\n"I don't think you're going to like it."\n\n"Tell me anyway."\n\n"I'm wondering whether... whether... I'm wondering how we're going to make this work if I can't work." She sighs, fighting back tears, and looks over at Miguel. His face is expressionless.\n\n"Do you hate me for saying that?"\n\nMiguel reaches out and takes her hand. "I was thinking that, too."\n\n"What do you want to do? I'm so scared that I'm going to make the wrong choice."\n\n"Maria, you know what's right for our family. I'll support you no matter what."\n\n[[Maria will continue the pregnancy.|Continue]]\n[[Maria will pursue a late abortion.|Late abortion]]\n[[Maria will consider adoption.|Alt adopt bridge]]

"I feel more and more overwhelmed by this pregnancy," Maria says. "Do you think it's too late to revisit the adoption idea?"\n\n"I don't know. I mean, it was one thing when..."\n\n"When we didn't know something bad was going to happen?"\n\n"When it wasn't a high-risk pregnancy."\n\n"But if we'd asked them earlier and they'd said yes, this still would have happened."\n\nMiguel sighs. "Do you think they'd want to commit and take the risk?"\n\n"I don't know. But it can't hurt to ask. I mean, the doctor is optimistic."\n\nMiguel caresses her hand. "Let's talk to them, then."\n\n[[Next|Alt adopt bridge 2]]

That weekend, Maria invites Gabi and Victor over for lunch. She tells Alicia to come as well. Even though Maria thinks the talk will go well, she also wants to have her sister there for support. She also knows that Alicia will probably appreciate the meal and hopes she can send her sister home with some leftovers to help defray her grocery expenses. \n\nWhen Gabi and Victor show up, they seem happy enough, but Maria can tell her cousin is still grieving the news. She notices tears in her cousin's eye when Gabi hugs her nieces and nephew. It makes sense; only a few days have passed since the doctor's news. Maria hopes that her adoption suggestion will ease some of the pain. \n\nAfter a hearty meal, Maria sends the older children off to play and puts Nicole down for a nap. The adults gather in the living room. Everyone has a beer except Maria.\n\n"I can't help but feel like you're about to announce something big," Gabi says.\n\n"Yes," Maria says with a sigh. "I'm pregnant."\n\n[[Next|Gabi 2]]

"I don't know if I can do this," Maria says as soon as the children are in bed.\n\n"What do you mean?" Miguel asks.\n\n"Giving Gabi and Victor the baby."\n\nMiguel's eyes grow wide. "Are you sure?"\n\n"No. I'm not sure. I'm just... Miguel, you don't know what it's like to feel a baby moving around and growing inside you. You really... You bond with it in a way that's difficult to explain. The thought of just handing the baby over to Gabi and Victor, even though they're family... it's so tough."\n\nMiguel sighs. "We'll break their hearts if we change our minds."\n\n"Would you be willing to?"\n\n"I think we're both feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Let's take two days to really think things through, okay? We've come this far."\n\n[[Next|Alt following afternoon]]

After dinner is finished and the kids have gone to bed, Maria and Miguel sit down at the kitchen table. Maria is exhausted after this long day and wishes she could just collapse in bed, but she knows that the sooner she and Miguel figure things out, the better. \n\n"What are we going to do, Miguel?" she says with a sigh. "I feel so overwhelmed right now."\n\n"We have time, Maria," Miguel says with a reassuring tone. "You can't be that far along, right? We probably have six or seven months to prepare. We can figure something out by then. We can make it work."\n\nMaria starts feeling tears forming in her eyes. She understands that Miguel is trying to be supportive and helpful, but she's not sure she wants to make it work.\n\n"I'm not sure I want to do this," she blurts out.\n\n[[Next|Talk 2]]

Maria almost loses her temper during the discussion of the pamphlet. The whole situation feels condescending. She's not a scared fifteen-year-old. She's been pregnant three times before and she's a nurse. \n\nFinally, it's done. \n\n"Do you have any questions?" the doctor asks. \n\n"Yes. When I spoke to your receptionist earlier this week, she mentioned that you'd have... you knew of some places I could go to get some financial assistance."\n\nThe doctor nods and hands her a slip of paper with two organizations listed on it.\n\n"They're under-funded and volunteer-run," the doctor says. "They won't be able to cover the full cost of your procedure. But they'll help."\n\nMaria can't make Saturday work for her appointment, not if Miguel is going to be home all weekend. She has to wait until Tuesday. She leaves the clinic with an appointment card and immediately calls the first number on the piece of paper with the funding information.\n\n[[Next|Funding call]]

"I don't know if I can do this," Maria says as soon as Alicia picks up the phone. \n\n"What are you talking about?" Alicia asks.\n\n"Giving Gabi and Victor the baby."\n\nAlicia sucks in a breath. "Are you sure? Are you really sure?"\n\n"No, I'm not. I'm just scared. Look, you've never been pregnant. You don't know what it's like to feel it move and kick. You bond with it."\n\n"You seemed so sure a few months ago."\n\n"I know, I know. I feel terrible."\n\n"You'll break their hearts if you do this."\n\n"You think I don't realize that?" Maria snaps.\n\n"I'm sorry," Alicia says with a sigh. "I didn't mean to stress you out more."\n\n"I know."\n\nJust then the doorbell rings. Alicia peers out the window. It's Gabi.\n\n"Crap. I have to go."\n\n[[Next|Time with Gabi]]

Miguel looks shocked. "What? What do you mean?"\n\nMaria takes a deep breath. "Do you really want a fourth baby? Don't get me wrong. I love our kids. I adore them. But..."\n\n"But?"\n\n"But we can barely provide for the three we have. Look how much we're struggling. Most of the time we do okay with covering the basics, but look at how this month is going. The air conditioner went out and I've been driving myself crazy trying to make everything work so that Daniel can go to baseball camp."\n\n"Camp is a luxury. Daniel would understand if he couldn't go."\n\n"Daniel is a child," Maria snaps, a little more harshly than she intended. "He might understand, but he'd still be crushed. He's been looking forward to this for a year. How much further are we going to cut back if we have another baby? I'd like for the kids we already have to get some nice things once in a while. I'd like to have security and not worry every other month about how everything is going to work out. If we have another baby, how is that going to happen?"\n\n[[Next|Talk 3]]\n\n

Maria wakes up when Miguel comes in. \n\n"What time is it?"\n\n"Shh, it's very late. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."\n\n"It's okay."\n\n"Go back to sleep," he says, giving her a gentle kiss.\n\n"I'm sorry, Miguel."\n\n"You don't have to be sorry."\n\n"I want to keep the baby."\n\n"Are you sure?" Miguel asks as he crawls into bed. \n\n"Yes."\n\n"Let's talk about it more in the morning," he says, pulling her in close. \n\n[[Next|Morning]]

A few weeks after the baby is born, Miguel is finally able to return to work. They decide that it's best for the family if Maria sticks with medical coding from home for the first few months of their son's life. Even part-time daycare would be a stretch for her paycheck, and with Miguel's mother having health issues, she's less and less available to help out. \n\nWith Miguel being gone during the day and Maria not having a car, she sometimes feels claustrophobic being alone with Nicole and Mario all day. The few times she tried to take them on the bus, Mario cried so much that Maria was drained just by a short trip to the store. She saves most of her shopping for weekends.\n\nThe finances are tight, as always; insurance didn't cover all of the C-section costs so their medical debt is the highest it has ever been. But they're working away at it slowly but surely. That's how they've managed to survive.\n\nEven though Maria sometimes feels frustrated by her current situation, she reminds herself that this is temporary. Mario won't be a baby forever and someday she'll even be nostalgic for when he was so tiny. And Miguel loves having another son.\n\nFor now, Maria focuses on her last child. She's on the pill now and hopes to talk to Dr. Phelps about a tubal ligation when their finances improve. She's certain now that her family is complete.

On Monday, Maria swings by the pharmacy to pick up the prescription she needs to take that evening in order to dialate her cervix for the surgery the next morning. She shoves it in the bottom of her purse and hurries to her work shift, grateful that Alicia is going to drive her to the clinic and keep the kids entertained. \n\nWhen Maria gets home, she's relieved that the kids have already gone to bed. Miguel is sitting in front of the television and drinking a beer. \n\nMaria thumbs the pill in her pocket, suddenly feeling a rush of indecision. \n\n"What's wrong?" Miguel asks.\n\nMaria sighs. "You're going to think I'm crazy. After all the work we put into this... I'm worried about whether this is really the right decision.\n\nShe sits next to Miguel and leans in close to him. \n\n"This is a big deal," Miguel says. "It's natural that you're unsure. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do."\n\n[[Maria will have the abortion.|Surgery]]\n[[Maria will reconsider adoption.|Alt adoption bridge]]\n[[Maria will keep the baby.|Keep bridge]]

"Well, we've come this far already," Maria says. "Do you think we could make it work if we had the baby? Do you think even with me not working for a while that we could keep it together?"\n\nMiguel gives her a small smile. "I know we can. We're tough. We can handle anything."\n\n[[Next|Bed rest]]

"I don't know if I can do this," Maria says as soon as the children are in bed.\n\n"What do you mean?" Miguel asks.\n\n"Giving Gabi and Victor the baby."\n\nMiguel's eyes grow wide. "Are you sure?"\n\n"No. I'm not sure. I'm just... Miguel, you don't know what it's like to feel a baby moving around and growing inside you. You really... You bond with it in a way that's difficult to explain. The thought of just handing the baby over to Gabi and Victor, even though they're family... it's so tough."\n\nMiguel sighs. "We'll break their hearts if we change our minds."\n\n"Would you be willing to?"\n\n"I think we're both feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Let's take two days to really think things through, okay? We've come this far."\n\n[[Next|Following afternoon]]

As Maria approaches the third trimester, however, she begins to feel anxious about her decision. The more she feels the baby kick and move, the more anxious she becomes. This is her child and she's going to give it up.\n\nMaria knows she has to handle this carefully. Gabi and Victor have been overjoyed the past few months. Maria fears that if she says anything, she'll cause a lot of unnecessary strife.\n\nAlicia has been so supportive through this whole process. Certainly she'll know how to handle it. Or maybe Miguel. Maybe he's having these same conflicted feelings. \n\n[[Maria decides to talk to Alicia.|Alicia call]]\n[[Maria decides to talk to Miguel.|Miguel talk]]

Gabi enters the house holding a hefty stock pot.\n\n"I know you're probably struggling to cook and stuff with the bed rest," Gabi says. "I made you a big pot of soup. It should feed everyone tonight, and maybe you can get a few lunches out of it, too."\n\nMaria wants to cry. She feels terrible for wanting to keep the baby.\n\n"What's wrong?" Gabi asks.\n\n"Oh, you know. Hormones." Maria shrugs it off and gives a half laugh.\n\n"Why don't you take a nap or something? I'll keep Nicole entertained."\n\n"Thanks," Maria says. The thought of watching a mindless sitcom, even for half an hour, is a relief.\n\nMaria sits down and starts channel surfing. She settles on a show and does her best to make herself comfortable. Eventually, she dozes off.\n\nWhen Maria wakes up, she can tell she's been out for at least an hour, maybe more. She hears Nicole's voice, and creeps into the kitchen to find Gabi helping Nicole make macaroni art. \n\nAs Maria looks at her cousin, so happy and content, she knows she's making the right choice. She'll always feel a connection to this baby, but it's Gabi's turn to be a mother.\n\n[[Next|C-Section]]

"If we really needed to, we could use the credit card," Miguel says. \n\n"Is there enough on it?"\n\nThe one credit card they had only had a $500 limit on it. They kept it around for emergencies and had used it only once, to cover an unexpected car repair. They'd started paying it back, but because of their other precarious finances hadn't been puttng a whole lot down on it.\n\n"The available balance is $205. Just enough."\n\nMaria sighs. She doesn't want to create a cycle of debt. \n\n"So we'll basically max it out again."\n\n"Do we have any other viable options?"\n\n"I guess we don't."\n\n[[Next|Night before]]

By the time Miguel gets home from work, Maria feels like a wreck. She's spent the day combing their budget, researching funding options, wondering what they could possibly sell to come up with the money.\n\n"What's wrong?" Miguel asks as he walks into the kitchen. He hurriedly sends the kids to play in the yard then turns his attention back to Maria. \n\n"I called two clinics. It... The procedure would be $1,100 if I got in this week, but to do that I'd have to go to Dallas and stay the night because of the waiting period. If I stay here, I have to wait until next week and by that point it will be $1,350."\n\n"Damn, that much?"\n\n"For second trimester? Yeah. The procedure is more difficult. Even if we completely drained our savings, that wouldn't cover the whole thing. We'd have to sell the car or something."\n\nMiguel sits at the counter and rubs his temples. "So what happens now? I said I'd support your decision, but do you think you can really handle having one car? Do you really think we should drain our savings?"\n\nMaria looks at her husband. She could probably deal without a car, but... what if Miguel's truck broke down and he needed to get to work? And she couldn't in good conscience drain the savings account.\n\n[[Maria decides to keep the baby.|New keep bridge]]\n[[Maria decides to pursue adoption.|New adoption bridge]]\n\n

In hopes of getting the childcare issues worked out, Maria calls her sister to see if she has Friday off, or at least doesn't have to go in until the afternoon. \n\n"Hey, Alicia. Would you be able to watch Nicole for a few hours on Friday morning? I... I have a prenatal appointment."\n\nShe hears Alicia suck in a breath.\n\n"So should I be offering congratulations? Is this a happy scenario?"\n\nMaria sighs. "Honestly, I don't know. I was so conflicted last night. But when I thought about it, I just couldn't bring myself to... you know."\n\n"Man, when it rains it pours."\n\n"What do you mean?"\n\n[[Next|Talk about Gabi]]

"Maria, you can't be serious."\n\n"I am."\n\n"You would actually consider getting an abortion? What about... Maria, we're Catholic."\n\n"And we also use condoms. It's not like we follow the letter of the law."\n\n"Using a condom is not the same thing as having an abortion."\n\n"No, it's not, but I still am not sure my faith obligates me to have another child if it's not in the best interest of our family."\n\n"Maria, what would our families think?"\n\n"It's none of their business. I wasn't planning on making a big deal about it."\n\n"What kind of example would you be setting for the children?"\n\n"Miguel, did you think I was going to announce it to them? They don't even know I'm pregnant. I'm not going to glorify it, but I also... I am not going to be ashamed for at least considering it."\n\n"I really... I really can't believe you would want to get rid of our child." He pushes his chair back and stands up. "I think I need to get some air. Don't wait up."\n\nAt least he doesn't slam the door on his way out. \n\n[[Next|Maria Decision 1]]

Maria thumbs through three magazines without reading a single one. Finally, she's called back.\n\nThe nurse gives her a general anesthetic. Maria is groggy, but doesn't quite fall asleep. She feels some pressure when the nurse also gives her the local anesthetic. But after that, she zones out. She hears the doctor come in, feels some discomfort in her abdomen, but doesn't really remember anything else. \n\n[[Next|Wake up]]

"So it's all about the money to you?" Miguel raises his eyebrows.\n\nMaria tries not to cry. This isn't how she wanted the conversation to go.\n\n"That's not what I'm saying, and you know it. I just don't know how we're going to give our kids a nice, stable life if we have another baby."\n\n"We've done all right so far. We can make it work."\n\n"Maybe I don't want to make it work."\n\nBoth of them are silent. Maria is surprised at her own outburst, but she's said it. She can't take it back.\n\n"Miguel, we're already making it work right now. I was looking forward to Nicole going to kindergarten so I could go back to school, get a better job, help make us more financially stable. I love the family we have right now. I feel like we're complete, and I am not sure I want to change it."\n\n"So what are you saying?" Miguel asks.\n\n"I'm saying that maybe we should think about the possibility that we don't have to have another baby."\n\n[[Next|Talk 4]]

Although Maria's pregnancy continues to progress successfully, Dr. Phelps encouraged her to schedule a C-section. At first, Maria was resistant. She didn't like the idea of being cut into, didn't like the idea of not being able to deliver her child on her own. But Dr. Phelps was persuasive. And Maria decided she didn't want to risk something going wrong during labor and crush Gabi's dream of being a mother yet again.\n\nOn the day of the C-section, Gabi and Victor accompany Maria and Miguel to the hospital. Maria is put under heavy sedation. Maria is nervous about the procedure. Labor is painful, but at least she knows what it's like.\n\nMaria is put under regional anesthetic. She hates just lying there, not being able to do anything. She hates this process. \n\nThe C-section takes far less time than labor, but by the time it's done, Maria feels as though it has lasted forever. But she puts all of that aside as soon as Dr. Phelps hands her a healthy baby boy.\n\n[[Next|Mario]]

But Maria starts to feel sick again when the receptionist runs down the fees. There's no way this will cost her less than $450. She doesn't know how she's going to be able to afford that, much less without Miguel noticing. Maria wonders if she's really that selfish.\n\n"Ma'am, are you still there?"\n\n"Yes, I am. I'm sorry, I just... I know surgical procedures are expensive, I just don't know how I'm going to afford this. This month we can barely meet our basic expenses. And... my husband... he's against this."\n\n"I understand, ma'am. At your appointment on Friday, the doctor can give you more information about getting some funding. There are organizations that can help you out. They won't be able to cover the whole cost, but they can put a dent in it."\n\nMaria sighs. She's starting to feel overwhelmed. In addition to figuring out her childcare situation for Friday, she now needs to come up with a lot of money very quickly. She's also starting to consider again the ramifications that this will have on her marriage. Is an abortion worth sacrificing everything?\n\nMaria decides to call her sister. Even if she can't help, Alicia will be a supportive shoulder to cry on. \n\n[[Next|Alicia Help]]

Maria drops Nicole off with Alicia on Friday morning, and then heads to her apartment. Even though she already knows she's pregnant, she's fidgety and anxious. On top of that, her doctor is running late. Maria sits in the waiting room for nearly 45 mintues before she's called back. \n\n"Congratulations," Dr. Phelps says after running blood work and taking vitals. \n\n"Thanks," Maria says, though she's not sure she really wants to be congratualted. As much as she doesn't want to have an abortion, she's still not very excited about this pregnancy. But maybe that would change once she felt it move and kick.\n\n"You're just at eight weeks right now. I'm surprised you didn't realize you'd missed a period sooner."\n\nMaria shrugs. She's been so busy juggling work and the kids and their finances. It had briefly crossed her mind a few weeks ago, but she figured it was stress. \n\n"I know you're an old pro at this, but I'm going to run through some information for you." \n\nMaria tunes out a little bit as Dr. Phelps tells her what she already knows. She runs through Miguel's number-crunching in her head, worries about how she'll manage at work tonight, and wonders how this is all going to turn out.\n\n[[Next|Six weeks later]]

As Maria nears the end of her pregnancy, she feels more and more frayed. Worker's comp wouldn't cover the entire cost of Miguel's surgery. And while he's getting payments during his recovery period, they're not as much as his regular pay. \n\nMaria logs as many medical coding hours from home as she possibly can. The kids start to get restless and she's grateful when school starts. Alicia helps out with them on weekends and also brings Maria groceries since neither she nor Miguel can lift anything. When Maria offers to pay her back, she refuses. \n\n"You're family. We take care of each other."\n\nBut even with Alicia doing what she can, it's not quite enough to cover the debt from the surgery plus Miguel's physical therapy. Even with their benefits, they're struggling. Maria finally decides to give in and sell the car to help put a dent in the medical debt. They can look into getting another one once the baby is born and she's back on her feet. For now, they really need the money.\n\n[[Next|Alt C-Section]]

Maria doesn't have to report for her shift until after Miguel gets home from work, so although she doesn't have a full day off, she has time this morning to call a clinic and see about a first appointment. She's dreading the rigmarole involved and wonders how she'll manage to balance childcare and work with multiple appointments and then recovery. \n\nShe calls the clinic closest to her house. \n\n"I can get you in tomorrow afternoon," the cheerful-sounding receptionist says after Maria explains her situation.\n\n"I'm sorry, but I can't call off work on such short notice. What about Thursday?"\n\n"Thursday we're booked. We can do the consultation on Friday, but we're not open for surgeries on Saturday, so we'd have to book that second appointment next week. Would that be okay?"\n\nAs much as Maria wants to get this over with as quickly as possible, she's scheduled to work this weekend anyway. The extra time will give her a buffer to make whatever arrangements she needs. As it is, she needs to arrange childcare for Friday, but hopefully her sister can help.\n\n[[Next|Abortion 2]]

Maria heard Miguel's truck in the driveway a minute or two before he came inside, beaming. He fussed over the children and turned to Maria, grinning. But, as he looked at her, his face fell a little.\n\n"Maria, what's the matter?"\n\nMaria couldn't bring herself to unload her suspicions right away.\n\n"I had to return some of your work shirts."\n\n"Is that all? You seem so upset."\n\n"I --"\n\nMaria hesitated. Miguel turned.\n\n"Daniel! Sofia! Take Nicole outside to play."\n\nThe children trooped out the back door, Sofia telling Nicole they could play hide and seek, but both Daniel and Sofia looked back uneasily from the door.\n\n"It's fine, it's fine, just go," Miguel said to encourage them.\n\nMaria sank into one of the kitchen chairs and looked bleakly at her husband.\n\n"Maria, I don't care about the shirts."\n\n"I know, but--"\n\nMaria's voice caught, and Miguel took her hand.\n\n"I'm pregnant."\n\nIt came out in a whisper.\n\nMaria couldn't read Miguel's face. She wasn't sure what to say.\n\n"Are you sure?"\n\nHe looked so serious.\n\n"I'm sure, I feel just like I did when I was pregnant with Nicole."\n\n"But you didn't take a test?"\n\nMaria felt a little hurt, as if Miguel didn't trust her, but she also knew he was right. She could, perhaps, be wrong. It would make sense to be certain before she worried much more.\n\n"I didn't. I should."\n\n"I can go get one and you can stay with the kids."\n\n"I'd rather go, if it's okay."\n\nMiguel said it was her choice, so Maria picked up her keys. She yelled out the back door at the children, "Your dad is here, I'll be right back." \n\nMiguel kissed her and grabbed a beer from the fridge as he headed to the back yard. Maria managed a weak smile and then walked out the front door.\n\n[[Continue|Drugstore2]]

A few weeks later, Maria gets a joyful call from Alicia.\n\n"So, I won't be able to help you out with the kids as much anymore... because I got a new job!"\n\n"Thank God!" Maria exclaims. She's glad Alicia's search finally paid off.\n\n"It's the library page job. Doesn't pay a lot, but it's a steady 40 hours a week."\n\n"You must be so relieved."\n\n"I am. It's been so tough keeping myself afloat. I really do appreciate your help. I know it hasn't been easy with your own finances."\n\n"You deserve it. You've been so helpful with my kids."\n\n"What are you going to do if I can't be around to help out?"\n\n"I'll deal with that later. Right now, I'm happy for you."\n\n[[Next|Miguel hurt]]

Soon after Maria drops the kids off, she finds herself stuck in a traffic jam caused by a fender bender. She glances at the clock and sighs. There's no way she's going to get the the ER, be seen, and be out in time for her shift. \n\nShe briefly considers waiting until tomorrow to see the doctor. Nothing feels wrong. She's not having cramps. Everything seems fine. Except for the bleeding. \n\nMaria knows she shouldn't wait.\n\nEven though she's well aware of the dangers of talking and driving, Maria picks up her cell and calls her supervisor.\n\n"Sharon, I'm so sorry, but I can't come in tonight. I know it's short notice, but I'm on my way to the ER."\n\n"What's wrong?"\n\n"I think I might be having a miscarriage. But if it turns out I'm fine, I'll come in for the rest of my shift."\n\n"Don't worry about it. Seriously, don't worry about it," Sharon says. "Just take care of yourself."\n\n[[Next|Diagnosis]]

"Well, I didn't want to call you last night, because I knew you were upset, but right after we got off the phone, Gabi called me."\n\nMaria felt her stomach tighten. Gabi was their cousin, just a few years younger than Maria. She and her husband, Victor, desperately wanted a family, but so far, all three of Gabi's pregnancies had ended in miscarriage."\n\n"Is... Is Gabi okay? She didn't have another miscarriage, did she? I don't remember her saying anything about being pregnant."\n\n"No, she didn't have a miscarriage. But they were having all these fertility treatments done, all these tests. Basically, they found out that Gabi can't have kids. She's heartbroken."\n\nMaria felt herself tearing up. Gabi would be such a wonderful mother and she couldn't imagine the pain that her cousin was feeling. \n\nAnd then the guilt hits her.\n\n"Damn, Alicia. I feel like such an ass. Gabi is heartbroken about being infertile, and here I am going behind my husband's back to have an abortion. How can I just end my pregnancy when there are women in the world who want babies and can't have them?"\n\n[[Next|Alt Guilt]]

Maria drags herself home from work late at night, feeling totally drained. The scent of the cleaning supplies triggered her pregnancy nausea and she threw up three times on her shift. All she wants to do is collapse. But when she opens the door, she finds Miguel waiting up for her.\n\n"I couldn't sleep," he says with a shrug. "I was confused by what you said this afternoon. It made me really anxious."\n\n"Yesterday Gabi found out she can't have kids. What if we let her adopt our baby?" Maria blurts out. She's too tired to care if she sounds crazy.\n\n[[Next|Talk Adoption 2]]\n\n

Two weeks later, Maria notices some spotting in her underwear. Although it's not very heavy, she's immediately alarmed. She knows that even light bleeding in the later stages of pregnancy is rarely a good sign. \n\nPeering into the living room, she sees all three children absorbed in an afternoon movie that under normal circumstances she'd probably make them turn off. But right now, she's just grateful that they're quiet. \n\nShe checks the clock. She needs to arrange childcare fast. She wonders if she should pre-emptively call off her shift tonight. But she figures she can handle that when she gets to the hospital. \n\nFirst, Maria calls Alicia.\n\n"Hey, are you busy right now? I need someone to babysit. I think I might be having a miscarriage."\n\n"Shit. I'm on my way to a job interview. Want me to cancel? I will if you need me."\n\n"No, no, no. You have been hunting for too long. I'll call Miguel's mom."\n\n[[Next|Miguel's mom]]

Maria's next step is to try the National Network of Abortion Funds. It's the same situation: a friendly volunteer, lots of questions, more anxiety. The woman on the phone is sympathetic, but because Maria already has money from the Lilith Fund, they can only offer her $50. Maria accepts it graciously; every little bit helps. Still, they only have three days to come up with $300.\n\nMaria knows they can't borrow from Alicia. Not when her own finances are so strained. If they try to borrow from either of their parents, they'll have to lie about the reason and Maria doesn't like the thought of that at all. But she will if she has to. \n\nAfter scrunitizing their budget, Miguel finds another $50 they can use without worrying about overdrafts. He also takes another $50 from their already meager savings. They'll have to replenish it quickly, or the bank will start charging them a monthly maintenance fee on the account. But Maria will worry about it later. \n\n[[Next|Money 2]]

The next day, Miguel took Daniel and Sofia to spend the afternoon with friends so Maria could rest as much as possible. Nicole, however, was having an off day. She threw a tantrum at every meal and spent most of her time sulking. By the time the afternoon rolled around, Maria wished she was able to go to work, do errands, anything to get a break from being housebound with a cranky todder. \n\nThen she heard a knock on the door. Looking out the window, she saw Gabi outside. \n\n"Shit," Maria muttered as she walked to the door. She was afraid to see her cousin, afraid the truth might slip out. But she wasn't going to be rude and not let her in.\n\n[[Next|Alt time with Gabi]]

After unloading the groceries, Maria encouraged Nicole to pick a book to look at. She promised Nicole could have a snack with Sofia and Daniel when they got home. \n\nMaria put away the groceries, checking on Nicole now and then, only to see her daughter engrossed in one of the crinkling library books Miguel had taken her to pick out. Something about pigeons.\n\nMaria stole a few minutes to herself, sitting at the kitchen table with a soda. She hoped to calm down, but should have known better. Instead, she thought through what a fourth child would mean right now. While she and Miguel had thought about a larger family, she doubted it would be a good idea, at least right then. It would definitely delay her own schooling, and it might mean they would have to put Daniel and Sofia in public school. But, at 31, Maria has wondered when would be a good time. Maybe there wouldn't be one. Maybe this was it.\n\n[[Continue|Home from School]]

"Maria, is everything okay?"\n\n"Not exactly. I think something is wrong with the baby. I was wondering if you could come stay with the kids until Miguel gets home while I see the doctor."\n\n"Could you bring them over here? My vertigo is bad today. I can't drive even a short distance."\n\nMaria glances at the clock. Her mother-in-law's house is out of the way, but it won't be so bad. It's not like she has any other options.\n\n"We'll be right over."\n\n[[Next|ER]]

Maria can't stop fiddling with her ring as she sits in the clinic waiting room. She feels terrible going behind Miguel's back like this, but she also knows she can't have this baby. \n\nFinally, she's called back. The nurse takes blood and does an ultrasound. Even though this is like every obstetrical appointment she's ever had, Maria can't quell her anxiety.\n\n"It looks like you're exactly eight weeks," the doctor says. "Before we can schedule the surgery, though, I have to review the information in this pamphlet with you."\n\nMaria looks at the copy of "A Woman's Right to Know" that the doctor has handed her. She flips through a few pages.\n\n"The stages of pregnancy? The risks? Doctor, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I've had three kids already. I don't need a pamphlet to remind me of what's going on with my body."\n\nThe doctor shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I understand. But it's state law."\n\n[[Next|Funding discussion]]

"Well, I didn't want to call you last night, because I knew you were upset, but right after we got off the phone, Gabi called me."\n\nMaria felt her stomach tighten. Gabi was their cousin, just a few years younger than Maria. She and her husband, Victor, desperately wanted a family, but so far, all three of Gabi's pregnancies had ended in miscarriage.\n\n"Is... Is Gabi okay? She didn't have another miscarriage, did she? I don't remember her saying anything about being pregnant."\n\n"No, she didn't have a miscarriage. But they were having all these fertility treatments done, all these tests. Basically, they found out that Gabi can't have kids. She's heartbroken."\n\nMaria felt herself tearing up. Gabi would be such a wonderful mother and she couldn't imagine the pain that her cousin was feeling.\n\n"And here I am feeling resentful and angry that I'm pregnant again."\n\n[[Next|Adoption suggestion]]

Maria pursed her lips and punched at the calculator buttons. She would need to be especially careful with groceries this week if she and Miguel had any hopes of paying for their son's baseball camp next week. They'd been promising Daniel since last summer that he could go this year, and they'd planned for it, setting money aside. But then the air conditioner had gone out just as tuition came due, and now they'd have to scramble. \n\nPerhaps she could pick up an extra shift. She'd have to ask around. She could return most of the new work shirts she had bought for Miguel last week. He'd only taken the tags off one, and he could make do for a few more weeks at least. \n\nIn a few years, once Nicole starts school, Maria would like to go back to school to become an RN, but for now, she worked part-time as an LVN. Her income let them pay for their two oldest, Daniel and Sofia, to attend a modest Catholic school, and her schedule meant she still could take care of Nicole herself most days. Thankfully, on the other days Maria couldn't watch Nicole, Miguel's mother and Maria's sister, Alicia, helped out. When Nicole started kindergarten in a couple years, Maria could think more about school for herself.\n\nAnd so Maria went carefully through her coupon folder and the grocery store ads to plan her trip to the grocery store, and went to pull the shirts from Miguel's closet.\n\n[[Continue|Shirts]]

"Who was that?" Miguel asks as he sets the table.\n\nMaria checks to make sure the kids are parked in front of the TV. She has to come clean. \n\n"We have to talk," she says. "I... I'm afraid you're going to hate me after this, but I need to come clean."\n\nMiguel leans against the fridge, looking worried. "What's going on?"\n\nMaria sighs. "That... That was an organization called the Lilith Fund. They... They help women get funding for abortions. Miguel, I know you're against it. I know you are. But I went to the clinic today and... I could still change my mind. I don't have to go through with it. But I still went, because..."\n\nMiguel looks hurt. "Were you going to do this behind my back? Were you going to tell me at all?"\n\nMaria starts to tear up. "I felt awful the entire time I was at the clinic because I went without telling you. I couldn't go through with it without saying anything."\n\n"I thought we were a family. I thought we would decide things together." He turns as though he's going to leave.\n\n"I thought we would have been able to discuss things without you storming out, but that's not how it went a few days ago, did it?"\n\nMiguel hangs his head and turns back. "You're so sure this is the right decision?"\n\nMaria nods. "I went, didn't I? Even though I knew how mad you'd be, I still had to do it."\n\nThere's a tear in Miguel's eye and Maria can see him trying to blink it away.\n\n"If you really think this is right, then I'll support you."\n\n[[Next|Money]]

Maria almost loses her temper during the discussion of the pamphlet. The whole situation feels condescending. She's not a scared fifteen-year-old. She's been pregnant three times before and she's a nurse. \n\nFinally, it's done. \n\n"Do you have any questions?" the doctor asks. \n\n"Yes. When I spoke to your receptionist earlier this week, she mentioned that you'd have... you knew of some places I could go to get some financial assistance."\n\nThe doctor nods and hands her a slip of paper with two organizations listed on it.\n\n"They're under-funded and volunteer-run," the doctor says. "They won't be able to cover the full cost of your procedure. But they'll help."\n\nMaria can't make Saturday work for her appointment, not if Miguel is going to be home all weekend. She has to wait until Tuesday. She leaves the clinic with an appointment card and immediately calls the first number on the piece of paper with the funding information.\n\n[[Next|Alt funding call]]

As Maria approaches the third trimester, however, she begins to feel anxious about her decision. The more she feels the baby kick and move, the more anxious she becomes. This is her child, and she's going to give it up.\n\nMaria knows she has to handle this carefully. Gabi and Victor have been overjoyed the past few months. Maria fears that if she says anything, she'll cause a lot of unnecessary strife.\n\nAlicia has been so supportive through this whole process. Certainly she'll know how to handle it. Or maybe Miguel. Maybe he's having these same conflicted feelings. \n\n[[Maria decides to talk to Alicia.|Alt Alicia call]]\n[[Maria decides to talk to Miguel.|Alt Miguel talk]]

Six months later, Maria is putting the finishing touches on the family dinner she's preparing. There's a lot to celebrate. Daniel fractured his arm when he fell playing basketball and had to have surgery to put pins in the break. Although insurance helped, the procedure ate into their small financial cushion. Still, even though the budget is tight again, Maria is grateful and ready to celebrate.\n\nShe's also started exploring preschool options for Nicole for the fall and looking at financial aid possibilities for going back to school. She's even applied for a scholarship specifically for mothers struggling to balance school and family. If it can't happen this fall, Maria is confident that she can make it work in the spring.\n\nAnd finally, Gabi called earlier in the week and said that Mario just had his six-month checkup and is healthy as can be. They're coming over tonight to help celebrate Daniel's return. \n\nDaniel and Miguel arrive first. Maria is so grateful to see her son smiling and healing that she tears up a little. \n\nAlicia arrives next, with Gabi, Victor, and Mario not far behind. Before anyone sits down to eat, they pass the baby around so everyone in the family can get a little time with him. As happens every time Maria holds Mario, she feels a little pang of sadness. But when she hands him back to Gabi and sees her cousin's face radiating with joy, she knows she's done the right thing for their whole family.

At the drugstore, Nicole was antsy and Maria felt guilty and rushed as Nicole asked, over and over again, why they were there. She rushed to pick up and pay for the pregnancy test, buying a lollipop for Nicole to occupy her. \n\nBack in the car, Maria still felt anxious and harried. She drove home as quickly as she could and was relieved to see that the bus hadn't come yet. She ran the groceries inside, and couldn't even catch her breath before Daniel and Sofia rushed in. She smiled and hugged them, but felt overwhelmed. She asked them to put away the groceries and watch Nicole for a minute as she ran to the back bathroom with the pregnancy test stuffed in her pocket.\n\n[[Continue|Bathroom]]

Nobody at the hotline picks up the phone, but Maria leaves a thorough voicemail explaining how far along she is as well as her funding needs. Knowing there's nothing more she can do, she hangs up the phone and goes to pick up Nicole.\n\nMaria spends the day anxiously waiting for them to return her call. It's all she can do to not be short with the kids, who don't deserve it. Finally, she decides to just let them watch a movie so she can get a break.\n\nWhen her cell phone rings, Maria feels a sense of relief. Then she sees Miguel's truck pulling up in the driveway. \n\n"Hello?" Maria asks, slipping into the tiny back yard. \n\n"Hi, is this Maria?"\n\n"Yes, it is."\n\n"This is Kelly from the Lilith Fund. I'm returning the voicemail you left this morning."\n\n"Thank you for calling me back."\n\nMiguel pops his head out the window. Maria waves at him, but doesn't go in.\n\nKelly asks her a barrage of questions about her income, her kids, her job. She's friendly and supportive, but Maria is also drained and anxious.\n\nWhen Kelly asks about her husband, Maria says, "He doesn't know I'm doing this. He doesn't want me to get an abortion." Her heart pounds as she sees him continuing the dinner prep she started.\n\n"I see. I'm sorry to hear that," Kelly says. After a few more questions, she says, "I can offer you $100. I know it only covers a fraction o the cost."\n\n"No, that will be fine, thank you. I really appreciate it. I really do."\n\n"I'll have the voucher faxed over tonight. The clinic will have it in time for your procedure on Tuesday."\n\n"Thank you."\n\nThe conversation feels like it lasts forever but it's less than ten minutes. Maria sighs, wondering what she's going to tell her husband.\n\n[[Next|Miguel Ask]]\n\n

"I... I don't think I can go through with this," Maria says. "I know I've put us through a lot, but... maybe we should revisit the adoption issue."\n\n"Okay," Miguel says. "That's what we'll do."\n\n[[Next|Gabi]]

Maria sighs. "I know I said I didn't want an abortion. But... how can we support another baby if we can barely handle me having a high-risk pregnancy?"\n\nMiguel sucks in his breath. Maria braces, wondering if he's really going to support her decision.\n\n"I think you're right," he says.\n\n[[Next|Late clinic call]]

The next morning, Maria wakes up, fights back a wave of nausea, and comes downstairs to find Miguel already up and getting the kids ready. He's cordial to her and she to him, but things are definitely strained. Maria feels a pang of guilt about her decision, but she just can't have another baby and she's not going to let Miguel push her around. \n\nMaria doesn't have to report for her shift until after Miguel gets home from work, so although she doesn't have a full day off, she has time this morning to call a clinic and see about a first appointment. She's dreading the rigmarole involved and wonders how she'll manage to balance childcare and work with multiple appointments and then recovery. \n\nShe calls the clinic closest to her house. \n\n"I can get you in tomorrow afternoon," the cheerful-sounding receptionist says after Maria explains her situation.\n\n"I'm sorry, but I can't call off work on such short notice. What about Thursday?"\n\n"Thursday we're booked. We can do the consultation on Friday, but we're not open for surgeries on Saturday, so we'd have to book that second appointment next week. Would that be okay?"\n\nAs much as Maria wants to get this over with as quickly as possible, she's scheduled to work this weekend anyway. The extra time will give her a buffer to make whatever arrangements she needs. As it is, she needs to arrange childcare for Friday, but hopefully her sister can help.\n\n[[Next|Secret Abortion 2]]

In hopes of at least getting the childcare issue worked out, Maria calls her sister to see if she has Friday off, or at least doesn't have to go in until the afternoon. \n\n"Hey, Alicia. Would you be able to watch Nicole for a few hours on Friday morning? I... I have an appointment."\n\n"A doctor's appointment?"\n\n"You, uh, you could say that, yeah. Um, damn, it's really hard for me to say this, but I'm going to get an abortion. If I can come up with the money, that is."\n\n"Does Miguel know?"\n\n"Of course he knows!"\n\n"I'm just asking. And what do you mean, if you can come up with the money?"\n\n"Well, we don't have a spare $450 lying around."\n\n"Maria, if you can't afford to have an abortion, how can you afford to have a baby?"\n\n"Shit." Maria can feel herself starting to cry.\n\n"Damn, Maria, I'm sorry. Don't cry. I didn't mean it that way. I just... You're in a shitty situation. I'm really sorry. When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?"\n\n"What do you mean?"\n\n[[Next|Alt Gabi Info]]

"We'll do it," Gabi bursts out. Then she looks back at Victor. "We'll do it, right? This can be our baby?"\n\n"Yes," Victor says, his eyes welling up. "We'll do it. This is our baby."\n\nMaria feels her eyes welling up. She's happy for her cousin and relieved for herself. There's still a lot to handle, but it seems like things are going to work out.\n\n[[Next|Adoption process]]

"You can't think like that, and you know it," Alicia says. "Your life is not Gabi's life. You're not obligated to have a baby just because she can't. I mean, I know you're in a sticky situation with Miguel, but this isn't about her."\n\n"She'd be so hurt if she found out."\n\n"And who says she has to find out. Maria, you're 31 years old. You can't live your life the way Gabi would want just because you feel sorry for her. What, are you going to just have the baby and let her adopt it?"\n\nMaria pauses for a moment. It's an unconventional idea, but...\n\n"Do you think that would actually work?" she asks Alicia.\n\n"Um... I was joking."\n\n"I know, but think about it. She and Victor want a baby. I don't want this baby. Maybe this would be the best choice for everyone."\n\n"You could really carry a child and then give it away?"\n\n"To strangers? No. To family? Sure."\n\nMaria realizes she has a big choice to make. Enduring a fourth pregnancy will be tough to manage, even if she's not keeping the baby. On the other hand, she's overwhelmed by the abortion process, too, and she's not sure it would be really worth the consequences. \n\n[[Maria will talk to Miguel about adoption.|Adoption Bridge]]\n[[Maria will proceed with the abortion.|Alt Appointment]]

"You can't think like that, and you know it," Alicia says. "Your life is not Gabi's life. You're not obligated to have a baby just because she can't."\n\n"She'd be so hurt if she found out."\n\n"And who says she has to find out. Maria, you're 31 years old. You can't live your life the way Gabi would want just because you feel sorry for her. What, are you going to just have the baby and let her adopt it?"\n\nMaria pauses for a moment. It's an unconventional idea, but...\n\n"Do you think that would actually work?" she asks Alicia.\n\n"Um... I was joking."\n\n"I know, but think about it. She and Victor want a baby. I don't want this baby. Maybe this would be the best choice for everyone."\n\n"You could really carry a child and then give it away?"\n\n"To strangers? No. To family? Sure."\n\nMaria realizes she has a big choice to make. Enduring a fourth pregnancy will be tough to manage, even if she's not keeping the baby. On the other hand, she's overwhelmed by the abortion process, too, and she's still not entirely sure it's the best choice. \n\n[[Maria will go forward with the abortion.|Appointment 1]]\n[[Maria will talk to Miguel about adoption.|Adoption Bridge]]

Miguel, Gabi, and Victor arrive within an hour. \n\n"Everything is taken care of," Miguel says. "The kids are fine."\n\n"I know," Maria says after breathing through a contraction. \n\nAlthough the labor is intense, Maria has been through this enough that she knows how to ride it out. Her body knows what to do and the baby is obviously ready. This labor is relatively short compared to her other three; it only takes six hours for a baby boy to come into the world.\n\n[[Next|Mario]]

"I don't think I should continue this pregnancy," Maria says. "I know what people might think, I know what our faith espouses, but..."\n\nMiguel takes her hand. "If that's really what you need to do, I'll support you."\n\nMaria struggles to sleep that night. She's still not sure she can go through with this, especially now that she's so far along. But she doesn't see how she can continue this pregnancy and keep her family afloat. \n\n[[Next|Late clinic call 2]]

"I feel more and more overwhelmed by this pregnancy," Maria says. "But I also don't think it's possible for me to get an abortion now. Do you think it's too late to revisit the adoption idea?"\n\n"I don't know. I mean, it was one thing when..."\n\n"When we didn't know something bad was going to happen?"\n\n"When it wasn't a high-risk pregnancy."\n\n"But if we'd asked them earlier and they'd said yes, this still would have happened."\n\nMiguel sighs. "Do you think they'd want to commit and take the risk?"\n\n"I don't know. But it can't hurt to ask. I mean, the doctor is optimistic."\n\nMiguel caresses her hand. "Let's talk to them, then."\n\n[[Next|Alt adopt bridge 2]]

The next morning, after the kids are off to school and Miguel has gone to work, Maria sets Nicole up with some blocks and other toys and then calls the San Antonio clinic closest to her house.\n\nHowever, she loses hope almost immediately.\n\n"I'm sorry, ma'am. This location doesn't perform abortions past fourteen weeks. However, I can refer you to our Dallas office."\n\nMaria almost chokes. "Dallas? But I have kids and a job. I don't..." She takes a breath. "I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm just so frazzled."\n\n"I understand, ma'am. There is one more clinic in the area that you can call."\n\n"Yeah, thanks I'll give them a try. Um, just for more information, though, how much would it cost to go through your clinic?"\n\n"$1,100. I know that's difficult for most women to afford, but we can provide you with organizations that provide funding assistance."\n\n"That's... I mean... I'll call you back."\n\nMaria hangs up the phone and leans against the fridge. She has no idea how she's going to handle this.\n\n[[Next|Second clinic]]\n\n

"Well, I didn't want to call you last night, because I knew you were upset, but right after we got off the phone, Gabi called me."\n\nMaria felt her stomach tighten. Gabi was their cousin, just a few years younger than Maria. She and her husband, Victor, desperately wanted a family, but so far, all three of Gabi's pregnancies had ended in miscarriage."\n\n"Is... Is Gabi okay? She didn't have another miscarriage, did she? I don't remember her saying anything about being pregnant."\n\n"No, she didn't have a miscarriage. But they were having all these fertility treatments done, all these tests. Basically, they found out that Gabi can't have kids. She's heartbroken."\n\nMaria felt herself tearing up. Gabi would be such a wonderful mother and she couldn't imagine the pain that her cousin was feeling. \n\nAnd then the guilt hits her.\n\n"Damn, Alicia. I feel like such an ass. Gabi is heartbroken about being infertile, and here I am worrying about how I'm going to get money to have an abortion. How can I just end my pregnancy when there are women in the world who want babies and can't have them?"\n\n[[Next|Guilt]]

Six weeks later, as she approaches the second trimester, Maria finally starts to relax about her pregnancy. Although the nausea isn't entirely gone, it's easing up. She's less concerned about managing her job through the duration of her pregnancy. Sure, it will be more draining as she gets closer to her due date, but as long as she doesn't feel sick all the time, Maria knows she can handle it. \n\nThe finances are still iffy and every time Maria goes in for a checkup, she gives thanks for their health insurance. She doesn't know where they would be without it. Their budget is tighter, of course, and she's concerned about having to buy new clothes and school supplies at the end of the summer. And Christmas will be small. Still, they've managed to stick to Miguel's budget for over a month. \n\nThere are moments when Maria feels ridiculous for worrying about this pregnancy, for considering abortion just because they were so unstable. No, it's not easy, but they're making do and keeping everything together.\n\n[[Next|Bleeding]]

"I don't know if I can do this," Maria says as soon as Alicia picks up the phone. \n\n"What are you talking about?" Alicia asks.\n\n"Giving Gabi and Victor the baby."\n\nAlicia sucks in a breath. "Are you sure? Are you really sure?"\n\n"No, I'm not. I'm just scared. Look, you've never been pregnant. You don't know what it's like to feel it move and kick. You bond with it."\n\n"You seemed so sure a few months ago."\n\n"I know, I know. I feel terrible."\n\n"You'll break their hearts if you do this."\n\n"You think I don't realize that?" Maria snaps.\n\n"I'm sorry," Alicia says with a sigh. "I didn't mean to stress you out more."\n\n"I know."\n\nJust then the doorbell rings. Alicia peers out the window. It's Gabi.\n\n"Crap. I have to go."\n\n[[Next|Alt time with Gabi]]

That morning, Alicia picks up Maria and the kids. The children are chatty on the way to the clinic, but Maria is anxious. Her stomach lurches a little when they pull up at the clinic.\n\n"Where are you going, Mommy?" Sofia asks as Maria unbuckles her seatbet.\n\nAlicia jumps in. "Mommy needs to see the doctor. I'm going to take you guys to the playground so you're not bored. Okay?"\n\nSofia seems satisifed with the answer.\n\nMaria wishes she didn't have to walk in alone, but she wasn't in the mood to ask Miguel's mother for help with childcare and Miguel had to be at work. She knows she'll be fine, though.\n\n[[Next|Surgery 2]]

Almost immediately, Gabi bursts into tears. Victor pulls her in close.\n\n"I'm sorry," Gabi chokes out. "I just... God, I'm sorry."\n\n"It's okay," Maria says, suddenly feeling embarrassed. She probably could have been more tactful. "Look, Miguel and I asked you over today because, well..."\n\n"This wasn't planned," Miguel jumps in. "Maria and I, we weren't trying for another baby, and with three kids... we feel like we're done."\n\n"Alicia told me about your bad news," Maria continues. "Miguel and I talked about it, and we thought... well, we were wondering if you would like to adopt the baby. I know... I know it won't be the same as one of your own, but..."\n\nGabi starts to dry her tears, though her breath is still ragged. "Really? You'd... You'd give us your baby?"\n\n"I know how much you want to be a mother, Gabi. You and Victor deserve that chance. Maybe this baby is supposed to be your blessing, not ours."\n\nGabi and Victor look at each other with shock on their faces.\n\n"You don't have to decide right now," Miguel says. "You can think it over."\n\n[[Next|Gabi 3]]

But Maria starts to feel sick again when the receptionist runs down the fees. There's no way this will cost them less than $450. She doesn't know how she's going to be able to afford that. Even if they asked for a refund of Daniel's tuition money, they'd be a little short. And how could she go back on her promise to her son in order to have an abortion? \n\n"Ma'am, are you still there?"\n\n"Yes, I am. I'm sorry, I just... I know surgical procedures are expensive, I just don't know how I'm going to afford this. This month we can barely meet our basic expenses. And I don't have many people I can borrow from for this circumstance, you know? My family is very conservative."\n\n"I understand, ma'am. At your appointment on Friday, the doctor can give you more information about getting some funding. There are organizations that can help you out. They won't be able to cover the whole cost, but they can put a dent in it."\n\nMaria sighs. She's starting to feel overwhelmed. In addition to figuring out her childcare situation for Friday, she now needs to come up with a lot of money very quickly. \n\n[[Next|Ask Alicia]]

In the bathroom, Maria looked at her cell phone to check the time, then hovered awkwardly over the toilet. She felt so foolish. \n\nShe set the pregnancy test on the edge of the sink and washed her hands. As she waited for the test to resolve, Sofia banged on the door.\n\n"Daniel said he's going to eat all the ice cream," she shouted.\n\nMaria told her she'd be out in a minute, and said to tell Daniel if the ice cream wasn't safely in the freezer by the time she got back, there'd be trouble. \n\nFour children suddently felt like so many. She'd been so relieved to get Nicole out of diapers and her children seemed to be doing so well. Maybe she wouldn't be pregnant and she wouldn't have to think about that any more. But just as she'd settled on that thought, Maria looked down at the test. \n\nTwo purple lines. Maria was pregnant.\n\nShe wrapped the test in toilet paper and put it back in her pocket. At least when she talked to Miguel, she'd be really, truly sure.\n\n[[Continue|Miguel2]]

Miguel looks at her with raised eyebrows. "So you don't want an abortion?"\n\n"I don't want to have to raise another child. But something about it still feels... It doesn't quite feel right. And I don't know where we'd get the money to pay for the abortion anyway. We don't have that kind of cash just lying around. At least your insurance will cover most of the pregnancy expenses." \n\n"If you really want an abortion, I'll figure out how to pay for it. You know that."\n\n"It's not just the money. Gabi and Victor desperately want a child and can't have one. Maybe instead of having an abortion we should give them the opportunity to be parents."\n\n"I'll admit it's not something I would have considered. But if you want to go for it, I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask them how they felt about it."\n\n[[Next|Gabi]]\n\n

Maria heard Miguel's truck in the driveway a minute or two before he came inside, beaming. He fussed over the children and turned to Maria, grinning. But as he looked at her, his face fell a little.\n\n"Maria, what's the matter?"\n\nMaria couldn't bring herself to unload her suspicions right away.\n\n"I had to return some of your work shirts."\n\n"Is that all? You seem so upset."\n\n"I --"\n\nMaria hesitated. Miguel turned.\n\n"Daniel! Sofia! Take Nicole outside to play."\n\nThe children trooped out the back door, Sofia telling Nicole they could play hide and seek, but both Daniel and Sofia looked back uneasily from the door.\n\n"It's fine, it's fine, just go," Miguel said to encourage them.\n\nMaria sank into one of the kitchen chairs and looked bleakly at her husband.\n\n"Maria, I don't care about the shirts."\n\n"I know, but--"\n\nMaria's voice caught and Miguel took her hand.\n\n"I'm pregnant."\n\nIt came out in a whisper.\n\nMaria couldn't read Miguel's face. She wasn't sure what to say.\n\n"Are you sure?"\n\n"I feel just like I did when I was pregnant with Nicole and I took a test."\n\nShe pulled the test from her pocket. Evidence. She didn't think Miguel would doubt her, but she knew they should be sure before they tried to decide anything.\n\nMiguel got up from his chair and came to stand behind her. He squeezed her shoulder.\n\n"It's going to be okay, Maria. We'll talk after dinner, okay?"\n\nMaria didn't feel very reassured, but she also knew they had to worry about the children before anything else.\n\n[[Next|Talk]]

After the uniform store, Maria felt a little less worried. The four shirts she'd returned had been worth nearly $100 and the manager had been nice enough about it. She thought he might have recognized her. Miguel sent his crew there for their work clothes and he'd introduced Maria once or twice when they'd been in. \n\nThe grocery store was filled with sample tables today. Bakery cookies cut neatly into quarters. Minute cubes of cheese. Instant coffee dispensed in tiny paper cups. Maria felt like she could smell the coffee everywhere in the store and when she rounded the aisle where the smiling woman was handing out cup after tiny cup, Maria's stomach lurched.\n\nThe woman smiled.\n\n"Would you like a--"\n\nMaria cut her off, waving her hand and saying "No" over and over, as she fled to the checkout lanes at the front of the store. \n\nBack in the car, Nicole asks if she is sick. Maria says no, but there is a sheen of sweat on her face.\n\n[[Continue|Drive]]

"The good news is that the baby is fine," the doctor says.\n\nMaria and Miguel both breathe a sigh of relief.\n\n"The bad news is that what you're experiencing is placenta previa. We have to treat the rest of your pregnancy with caution in order to avoid preterm labor... and even that isn't a guarantee."\n\n"But the baby will be okay?" Miguel asks.\n\n"If you follow the set treatment. The good news is you're early in your pregnancy, so if you're careful, this will likely resolve itself."\n\n"So what happens now?" Maria asks. \n\n"I'll prescribe a steroid treatment to help ensure your baby's development. I also want you on modified bed rest for the rest of your pregnancy. No heavy lifting, no vigorous activity. Stay off your feet."\n\n"But my job..."\n\nThe doctor shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry. Your job is too physically demanding." He writes a prescription and hands it to her. "I want you to follow up with Dr. Phelps as soon as possible. She'll handle the rest of your treatment."\n\n"Thank you, doctor," Maria says, trying not to cry.\n\n[[Next|Drive home]]

An hour into her shift, Maria feels another contraction. Again, it's gone in about thirty seconds. Maria hopes she doesn't have too many more of these. She just wants her last shift to go as smoothly as possible.\n\nTwo hours later, there's another contraction, and then fifteen minutes later, another. Maria decides to go on break and clear her head. She realizes that she's not going to finish her shift, but she needs to sit down and breathe before she figures out what to do.\n\n"I need to call Miguel, then let Alicia know she'll need to watch the kids longer than expected," she says to herself. "Miguel can call Gabi and Victor." After running through her list a few times, she feels calm and ready. \n\nWhen Maria stands up to find her supervisor and let her know what's going on, her water breaks.\n\n[[Next|Labor 3]]

The next day, Maria invites Gabi and Victor over for coffee. She spends the intervening days feeling anxious, but tries to be as relaxed as possible. She doesn't need more stress right now.\n\n"How are you?" Gabi asks. Her voice is cheerful but her eyes look pained. "Are you bored of bed rest yet?"\n\n"You know I am," Maria says. "It sucks having to lie around and not contribute."\n\n"But you are contributing. You're making a new member of your family."\n\nMiguel jumps in. "Actually, that's what we wanted to talk to you about."\n\nGabi and Victor look at each other, then at Maria and Miguel.\n\n"We've been feeling really overwhelmed with this pregnancy," Maria says. "And this whole time, I've been struggling with the idea that our family is already complete."\n\n"We know about your struggles," Miguel says. "And the doctor is confident that we're going to have a healthy delivery."\n\n"Miguel and I talked about it, and we thought... well, we were wondering if you would like to adopt the baby. I know... I know it won't be the same as one of your own, but..."\n\nGabi starts to dry her tears, though her breath is still ragged. "Really? You'd... you'd give us your baby?"\n\n"I know how much you want to be a mother, Gabi. You and Victor deserve that chance. Maybe this baby is supposed to be your blessing, not ours."\n\nGabi and Victor look at each other with shock on their faces.\n\n[[Next|Gabi Decide]]

When the anesthetic wears off, Maria is aware first of the intense cramping in her abdomen and second, of her thirst. Fortunately, it's not long before a nurse comes to check in on her. She brings Maria some orange juice and runs through the post-op instructions. Then she helps her outside where Alicia and the kids are waiting.\n\n"Mom? Are you okay?" Daniel asks.\n\n"Mommy is tired," Alicia says, once again sweeping into action. "She's going to rest this afternoon while we go to the movies."\n\nMaria is filled with gratitude for her sister. She's going to make this up to Alicia as soon as payday hits.\n\nThe kids are still chatty, but Maria dozes on the drive home. When they arrive, Alicia makes her comfortable on the couch.\n\n"Are you sure you're okay?" she asks.\n\n"Yes," Maria says. "It's going to be fine."\n\n[[Next|Wrap-up]]

Miguel looks at her with raised eyebrows. "I thought you wanted this baby."\n\n"I don't want to have an abortion. But Miguel, think about it. We're strained as it is. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep this job. I almost got sent home early tonight because the smell of the cleaning supplies makes me sick. We didn't plan for this. And you know how much Gabi and Victor want a baby."\n\n"But... this is our baby."\n\n"Maybe it should be theirs. Miguel, do you even want another child? You didn't seem very excited when I told you I was pregnant. More like resigned. I remember how happy you were when I told you about the other pregnancies. This time... This time you didn't seem to feel anything at all."\n\nMiguel sighs. "I was really upset when you suggested abortion last night. But I can't lie to you. I was sort of glad to be done with the whole baby thing. Maybe... Maybe we could at least discuss it with them. If you really want to, we can try it, see where it goes."\n\nMaria takes a deep breath. She still has some reservations. But this might be the best possible solution for everyone.\n\n[[Maria will keep the baby.|Keep]]\n[[Maria and Miguel will talk to Gabi.|Gabi]]

Somehow, Maria manages to make it through the night without another spell. At one point, she feels dry heaves swelling in the back of her throat, but she manages to get outside into clear air just in time. By the time she gets off and heads home, she's exhausted and wonders how she's going to make it through the first trimester, much less the rest of her pregnancy.\n\nWhen she gets home, she finds Miguel in front of the family computer, surrounded by bills.\n\n"Miguel, it's so late. How are you going to work tomorrow if you don't get rest?"\n\n"I've been crunching the numbers to figure out how we can save money for the new baby. I think I can make it work."\n\nMaria starts to rub her husband's shoulders and stares over his head at the spreadsheet. But she's too exhausted to make sense of it. She just wants to go to bed.\n\n"Yesterday Gabi found out she can't have kids. What if we let her adopt our baby?" Maria blurts out. She's too tired to care if she sounds crazy. \n\n[[Next|Adoption Discussion 3]]

Although Maria's pregnancy continues to progress successfully, Dr. Phelps encouraged her to schedule a C-section. At first, Maria was resistant. She didn't like the idea of being cut into, didn't like the idea of not being able to deliver her child on her own. But Dr. Phelps was persuasive. And in the back of her mind, Maria was concerned about what the medical bills would be like if she had a natural labor and something went wrong. \n\nOn the day of the C-section, the kids go stay with Miguel's mother and Alicia drives Maria and Miguel to the hospital. Maria is grateful for the help but feels worn out by being so dependent on other people. \n\nMaria is put under heavy sedation. Maria is nervous about the procedure. Labor is painful, but at least she knows what it's like.\n\nMaria is put under regional anesthetic. She hates just lying there, not being able to do anything. She hates this process. \n\nThe C-section takes far less time than labor, but by the time it's done, Maria feels as though it has lasted forever. But she puts all of that aside as soon as Dr. Phelps hands her a healthy baby boy.\n\n[[Next|New baby]]

As Dr. Phelps hands Maria a healthy baby boy, she again feels a surge of regret. She's giving her son away.\n\nBut when Maria hands the baby over to Gabi and sees the joy on her cousin's face, she realizes that this was supposed to be their baby all along.\n\n"Did you want to name him?" Gabi asks, gazing down at her new son. "Victor and I had some ideas, but we thought that since you gave birth, you could..."\n\n"No, no, you name him."\n\n"We wanted to call him Mario," Victor says with a smile. \n\nMaria clutches Miguel's hand. No, it's not easy letting her baby go. It pains her to realize that soon, he'll be gone completely. But Mario will always be a part of her life. \n\n[[Next|Six months later]]

After two weeks on bed rest, Maria has cabin fever and her anxiety is getting worse. Maria knows that next payday they'll start feeling the loss of her income. She also hates feeling like she's not contributing to the family. Many of her regular chores are now forbidden and she can't handle the kids as much as usual. They have to rely more and more on Miguel's mother and on Alicia. \n\nIn order to help with finances, Maria applies for a work-from-home medical coding job. It doesn't pay as much as nursing does, but it will help ease some of the burden. Maria also considers selling her car. She can take the bus to work after the baby is born. Or maybe she'll stick with medical transcription for a while and not go back to nursing quite so soon. It's hard to imagine juggling even part-time nursing with four children, one of them an infant. \n\n[[Next|Bed Rest 2]]

Although Maria tried to shrug off Alicia's suggestion about giving the baby to Gabi and Victor, she found that the idea stuck in her mind. Even as she got the kids from school and prepared dinner before heading out to her evening shift, she found herself turning over the suggestion in her head. It would certainly make Maria feel better than if she was surrendering her child to a strange couple. And maybe if they did take the baby, Gabi and Victor could help out with the medical expenses.\n\nBut would letting her cousin adopt her baby really solve their problems? And how would she explain it to her kids and her colleagues? \n\nWhen things got busy at work, Maria managed to distract herself from her thoughts. But it wasn't very long into her shift before nausea started to kick in again. The smell of the cleaning chemicals the janitorial staff used turned her stomach. The third time she ran off to throw up, Maria's supervisor, Sharon, came in.\n\n"You shouldn't be working if you're sick."\n\n"I'm not sick." Maria reflexively placed her hand on her stomach. \n\n"Oh. I see. How far along?"\n\n"Not sure. I can't get a doctor's appointment until Friday."\n\n"How about you go home early tonight?"\n\n"No, I'll be fine. Really." As much as Maria really wanted to leave and rest, her family needed the money. "It was just dry heaves this time. My stomach is empty."\n\n"Okay," Sharon says. "But if it happens again, go home."\n\n[[Next|Adoption Discussion 2]]

As Daniel and Sofia raced in the front door, shedding papers and backpacks, Maria carried the box of ice cream sandwiches out of the kitchen.\n\n"Come in the kitchen and you can all have an ice cream."\n\nMaria hugged each of them on their way to the table, then sat down with them. The children chattered about their day for half an hour, with Maria chiming in now and then to ask questions and make comments. Finally, she reminded them they needed to do their homework, and they worked at the table while Nicole played on the floor with a doll and Maria diced vegetables. \n\nBy the time Miguel came home, dinner was nearly ready and Daniel and Sofia had finished their homework. Maria had convinced them to read a story to Nicole, and the three were huddled on the couch. She was glad they got along so well. She wondered if a baby would change that.\n\n[[Continue|Miguel]]

Maria can't stop fiddling with her ring as she sits in the clinic waiting room. Even though she knows this is the right choice, she's terrified of the financial ramifications for the family. \n\nFinally, she's called back. The nurse takes blood and does an ultrasound. Even though this is like every obstetrical appointment she's ever had, Maria can't quell her anxiety.\n\n"It looks like you're exactly eight weeks," the doctor says. "Before we can schedule the surgery, though, I have to review the information in this pamphlet with you."\n\nMaria looks at the copy of "A Woman's Right to Know" that the doctor has handed her. She flips through a few pages.\n\n"The stages of pregnancy? The risks? Doctor, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I've had three kids already. I don't need a pamphlet to remind me of what's going on with my body."\n\nThe doctor shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I understand. But it's state law."\n\n[[Next|Alt funding discussion]]\n

Nobody at the hotline picks up the phone, but Maria leaves a thorough voicemail explaining how far along she is as well as her funding needs. Knowing there's nothing more she can do, she hangs up the phone and goes to pick up Nicole.\n\nMaria spends the day anxiously waiting for them to return her call. It's all she can do to not be short with the kids, who don't deserve it. Finally, she decides to just let them watch a movie so she can get a break.\n\nWhen her cell phone rings, Maria feels a sense of relief.\n\n"Hello?" Maria asks, slipping into the tiny back yard. \n\n"Hi, is this Maria?"\n\n"Yes, it is."\n\n"This is Kelly from the Lilith Fund. I'm returning the voicemail you left this morning."\n\n"Thank you for calling me back."\n\nMiguel pops his head out the window; he's just gotten home from work. Maria waves at him, but doesn't go in.\n\nKelly asks her a barrage of questions about her income, her kids, her job. She's friendly and supportive, but Maria is also drained and anxious.\n\nFinally, Kelly says, "I can offer you $100. I know it only covers a fraction of the cost."\n\n"No, that will be fine, thank you. I really appreciate it. I really do." \n\nThe doctor warned her that they couldn't cover much. Maria is just trying to be grateful that they got anything at all. \n\n"I'll have the voucher faxed over tonight. The clinic will have it in time for your procedure on Tuesday."\n\n"Thank you."\n\nThe conversation feels like it lasts forever but it's less than ten minutes. Maria sighs, wondering how they're going to figure out the rest.\n\n[[Next|Money talk]]

Maria has the next day off work. Daniel and Sofia were spending the day at friends' houses. Nicole, however, was having an off day. She threw a tantrum at every meal and spent most of her time sulking. By the time the afternoon rolled around, Maria wished she had to go to work just to get a break from her cranky toddler. \n\nThen she heard a knock on the door. Looking out the window, she saw Gabi outside. \n\n"Shit," Maria muttered as she walked to the door. She was afraid to see her cousin, afraid the truth might slip out. But she wasn't going to be rude and not let her in.\n\n[[Next|Time with Gabi]]

"Forget about Friday," Maria says. "I want to talk to Miguel and see what he thinks about this."\n\n"Okay, but I'll keep my schedule open in case you change your mind."\n\nMaria keeps busy the rest of the day, but all the while she is turning over the idea of allowing Gabi and Victor to adopt the baby. The more she thinks about it, the more it seems like a good idea. \n\nMaria and Miguel don't have much time together between when he gets home from work and she needs to leave.\n\n"Did you make an appointment?" Miguel asks. \n\n"Well, yes, but I think I'm going to cancel it."\n\n"You've changed your mind?" \n\n"Sort of. Look, we need to talk about this, but we should wait until tomorrow, when we have more time."\n\nMiguel raises his eyebrows. "If you insist."\n\n[[Next|Talk Adoption]]

As Maria pulled out of the grocery store parking lot, her stomach seemed to calm. Maybe she picked up a stomach bug. She'll lie down for a while when Miguel gets home. Take something. She tried to recall the contents of the medicine cabinet at home. She was sure they would have something. But on the drive home, Maria felt shaky and strange.\n\nAs Maria tried to remember the last time she felt like this, she thought back to the stomach virus the whole house had dealt with over the winter, but this seemed different. Maria was at a stop sign when the realization struck. She was pregnant. She was sure. \n\nThe last time she'd felt like this had been three years ago when she was pregnant with Nicole. But that had been planned. She'd finished her LVN credentials after a few years of part-time schooling and she and Miguel had been ready. Now? She was not ready. They were not ready. \n\nA car horn blared behind her, snapping Maria back to reality. She felt foolish, she should have realized in the grocery store. At least she could have picked up a test then. She was so sure, though, she didn't know if she should just go home and tell Miguel or make one more stop at the drugstore.\n\nIf she stops at the drugstore, she'll have to hurry to get home before Daniel and Sofia, but she's pretty sure that Miguel will want the confirmation of the test. She does too, really.\n\n[[Maria turns left to go to the drugstore.|Drugstore]]\n[[Maria turns right to go home.|Home]]

After spending a restless night thinking it over, Maria wakes up and decides that even with all the stress and anxiety about the future, she wants to keep the baby. Yes, the road will be that much harder, but she's bonded to this child. She can't give up now. They've already come this far. She knows they can make it work.\n\n[[Next|Bed rest]]

Maria waits in the ER for nearly two hours before she's seen. Fortunately, Miguel arrives just before it's time.\n\n"I was worried that you didn't get my messages," Maria says. \n\n"I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. I got out of there as soon as I could."\n\n"It's okay. I'm just glad you're finally here."\n\nMaria is finally called back. The nurse takes blood samples and does an ultrasound. \n\nAfter what feels like forever, they finally have a diagnosis.\n\n[[Next|Diagnosis 2]]

Maria doesn't have to report for her shift until after Miguel gets home from work, so although she doesn't have a full day off, she has time this morning to call the doctor and make her first appointment. She's grateful that Miguel gets good health coverage through his job. Even though the cost of labor and delivery will still put them in debt for a few months, at least most of her regular care will be covered. \n\nIt takes some back-and-forth with the nurse before Maria manages to book an appointment. Even with her mostly flexible work schedule, it's tough to find something that will fit in. Finally, Maria schedules an appointment for Friday and hopes she can arrange someone to take care of Nicole so she doesn't have to handle a wily toddler in the doctor's office.\n\n[[Next|Call Alicia]]

Maria can't believe how much work goes into adoption, at how much the state requires for her and Miguel to give Gabi and Victor a child. There's paperwork, legal agreements, red tape, and Gabi and Victor have to be investigated and have background checks done. Of course, the process isn't free. Gabi and Victor don't complain, though. Maria knows they're more financially secure than she and Miguel, but she knows they're probably draining their savings--and then some--to cover everything. That's why she and Miguel decided not to ask them to help with medical expenses. Everything is still being covered by insurance, and while their finances are tighter than ever, they don't want to put more strain on Gabi and Victor and make it harder for them to become parents.\n\nAt first, Maria was nervous about drawing up the formal adoption agreement, but in fact, it wasn't that stressful. Yes, she's giving up her baby, but she knows Gabi and Victor plan to stay in San Antonio to be close to their families. She'll be able to see the child often, and even babysit. When she sees how happy Gabi and Victor have become, she feels sure that this is the right choice.\n\n[[Next|Alt fears]]

"Who was that?" Miguel asks as Maria walks inside.\n\nMaria checks to make sure the children are still distracted by the television. \n\n"That was an organization called the Lilith Fund. They... They help women like me get financial assistance for... for abortions. They only could cover part of it, though. I don't know how we're going to get the rest."\n\n"How much did they offer?" Miguel asks. \n\n"$100. We still need $350. There's another organization I can try, but they won't be able to make up the difference. I'm so worried, Miguel. How are we going to be able to afford this?"\n\nMiguel pulls her into a hug. "We'll figure it out."\n\n[[Next|Money]]

"We'll do it," Gabi bursts out. Then she looks back at Victor. "We'll do it, right? This can be our baby?"\n\n"Yes," Victor says, his eyes welling up. "We'll do it. This is our baby."\n\nMaria feels her eyes welling up. She's happy for her cousin, and relieved for herself. There's still a lot to handle, but it seems like things are going to work out.\n\n[[Next|Alt adoption process]]

Maria buckled Nicole into her car seat and put the shirts carefully on the back seat. She'd have to tell Miguel when he got home from work. She would stop by the uniform store on the way to the grocery store, then drive home to start dinner before the bus dropped off her older children. This wasn't exactly how she'd hoped to spend her day off, but at least she felt productive. \n\n[[Continue|Grocery]]

Maria can't believe how much work goes into adoption, at how much the state requires for her and Miguel to give Gabi and Victor a child. There's paperwork, legal agreements, red tape, and Gabi and Victor have to be investigated and have background checks done. Of course, the process isn't free. Gabi and Victor don't complain, though. Maria knows they're more financially secure than she and Miguel, but she knows they're probably draining their savings--and then some--to cover everything. That's why she and Miguel decided not to ask them to help with medical expenses. Everything is still being covered by insurance, and the co-pays aren't breaking their budget. They don't want to put more strain on Gabi and Victor and make it harder for them to become parents.\n\nAt first, Maria was nervous about drawing up the formal adoption agreement, but in fact, it wasn't that stressful. Yes, she's giving up her baby, but she knows Gabi and Victor plan to stay in San Antonio to be close to their families. She'll be able to see the child often, and even babysit. When she sees how happy Gabi and Victor have become, she feels sure that this is the right choice.\n\n[[Next|Fears]]

"Hey, Alicia. Would you be able to watch Nicole for a few hours on Friday morning? I... I have and appointment."\n\n"A doctor's appointment?"\n\n"You, uh, you could say that, yeah. Um, damn, it's really hard for me to say this, but I'm going to get an abortion. If I can come up with the money, that is."\n\n"Does Miguel know?"\n\nMaria sighs. "We actually had a huge fight about it last night. He stormed out and we didn't talk this morning. But I've made up my mind. I can't do this again."\n\nShe pauses, nervous. What if even Alicia thinks she's terrible for going through with this.\n\n"Damn. I'm sorry you guys had a fight. Does he really want another kid that bad?"\n\n"I think it's... I mean, it's our families, the church, you know. This just isn't something we're supposed to do. I feel so terrible going behind his back, though."\n\n"Have you decided how you're going to explain it when you're suddenly not pregnant?"\n\n"I guess I'll have to tell him the truth and accept the consequences. But look, if I can't pay for it, what's the point of thinking that far ahead?"\n\n"Maria, if you can't afford to have an abortion, how can you afford to have a baby?"\n\n"Shit." Maria can feel herself starting to cry.\n\n"Damn, Maria, I'm sorry. Don't cry. I didn't mean it that way. I just... You're in a shitty situation. I'm really sorry. When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?"\n\n"What do you mean?"\n\n[[Gabi News]]\n\n"What do you mean?"