Leah wakes up in a small recovery room. Her abdomen is throbbing and her throat is parched. She looks around trying to find a way to signal a nurse; she's not sure she's ready to stand up yet. Fortunately, she only has to wait a few minutes before the nurse who was with her before walks in. \n\n"How are you feeling?" she asks with a small smile.\n\n"Sore. Thirsty."\n\nThe nurse nods. "I'll be right back."\n\nShe returns with a cup of orange juice, two tablets of ibuprofen, and a brochure on post-abortion care. She reviews signs of infection, what to do if her bleeding becomes unmanageable, and also goes over a list of counseling options if Leah needs help processing her feelings. \n\n[[Next.|Recovery 2]]

Leah spends as much time as possible holding her daughter, all the while reminding herself that there's no way she can raise this child. She can't afford a baby. She's too young, and not mature enough. She can't provide a better life. It's best if someone else raises her.\n\nBut when Megan comes in to the hospital to talk about the next steps of the adoption process, Leah holds her daughter a little tighter.\n\n[[Leah commits to adoption.|Adoption Final]]\n[[Leah decides to raise the baby.|Parent]]\n\n\n

A nurse hands Leah her daughter, wrapped in a cotton blanket. Leah desperately wants to give her a name, but at the same time, doesn't. She might get even more attached than she already is. Maybe that's better for the adoptive parents to decide, anyway. \n\nLeah has just forty-eight hours to decide. After holding her daughter for just five minutes, she's not sure she's ever going to be willing to let her go.\n\n[[Next.|Baby 2]]\n

Leah works up until her due date. It's a real struggle at the end. Her back aches constantly, and there's no way to get any lasting relief. With all the space the baby is taking up in her body, it's difficult to even breathe. Not to mention that she's exhausted all the time. The baby has gotten so big that it's difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep at night. \n\n[[Next.|Labor 2]]\n

The next morning, Leah wakes up to a text from Sam confirming that she's made the initial appointment for an ultrasound and pre-abortion counseling. \n\nLeah waits until her parents have finished breakfast. The scent of bacon and eggs has made her especially nauseous lately. When she hears the dishes being cleared away, she goes downstairs and pours a glass of orange juice before sitting down at the table. Her father is reading the newspaper, and her mother is clipping coupons. \n\n"Mom, Dad, I was thinking of going to go spend some time with Sam in Austin next week. Maybe three or four days."\n\n"Isn't Sam pretty busy with classes?" her dad asks. "I'd hate for her to get distracted from her schoolwork."\n\n"Oh, Fred, Sam can manage her time," her mother says. "And Leah's not a little girl. She can go off by herself and see the city. Sam doesn't need to entertain her every single second."\n\nLeah's mother shoots her daugher a knowing glance. Leah is relieved. She doesn't want to lie to her father, but she also doesn't know how to tell him the full story. She decides she can handle that later.\n\n[[Next.|Austin]]

Now that she has some things figured out, Leah knows it's time to see a doctor about prenatal care. Her options in town are limited; she'll have to make time to drive to Wichita Falls for her appointments. Going through the insurance company website, Leah finds a list of covered obstetricians. The first two she calls are not taking new patients but the third has availability in the coming week. Leah books an appointment. \n\n[[Continue.|Prenatal care 2]]

After ordering their food and making some chitchat, the conversation takes a more serious turn. \n\n"I know this must be really difficult for you," Anne says to Leah. "I just want you to know how grateful we are. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was only twenty-five, and it left me completely infertile. I've always wanted kids."\n\nLeah feels a knot in her throat. As hard as it will be to give her baby up, maybe it won't be so bad. Anne and Derek clearly want to be parents. And after all Anne has been through, maybe she deserves to have Leah's child.\n\n[[Next.|Meet Parents 3]]

Together with Megan, they start working out the details of the potential adoption arrangement. Anne and Derek are pretty open to all of Megan and Leah's suggestions. In the end, they agree to send Leah updates and photos twice a year and will let Leah come to Round Rock once a year to visit with the child for a weekend. \n\nLeah can tell that Megan is happy with the way the meeting went. It's not that she's displeased. She likes Anne and Derek and thinks they will be great parents. But all of her doubts keep creeping back. After all the weeks she's spent feeling the baby kick and move, she has to admit that she's getting attached, despite her best intentions.\n\n[[Leah sticks with adoption.|Open Birth 1]]\n[[Leah decides to raise the baby.|Parent bridge]]\n\n

Lying awake in her bed that night, Leah wonders if she can really do this. Even if giving the baby up for adoption would make another couple happy, the torment and judgment from people would only get worse as her pregnancy went along. And who knows what people might say if they found out she gave her baby up?\n\nShe's even having second thoughts about which type of adoption. Both have their advantages, but both have their drawbacks, too. And she's still not sure she can endure giving birth and then losing her baby. \n\nOf course, now that she's reached the second trimester, an abortion will be much more expensive. Leah knows her savings will be completely decimated, and she might even need to borrow money to cover the entire cost. And maybe it's the wrong thing to do, anyway. Not to mention the stigma she'd face if people guessed she'd had an abortion. \n\nLeah begins to feel like there's no decent solution. No matter which choice she makes, there's going to be pain. \n\n[[She decides on open adoption|Open 1]]\n[[She decides on closed adoption|Closed 1]]\n[[She will go have an abortion in Austin|Abortion]]

Leah looks at her mother. She can't bring herself to meet Megan's gaze.\n\n"Mom, I can't do this. I can't give my baby away."\n\nHer mom takes her hand. "You don't have to. Whatever you decide, we'll support you. You know that."\n\nLeah slowly lifts her eyes to look at Megan.\n\n"I'm really sorry," she says, her voice cracking. "I know another family really wanted this baby. I know that they'd take really good care of her. I just can't do it. I'm not going to do it."\n\nMegan looks disappointed, but she's kind. "This sort of thing happens all the time. It's okay. I know how it is to hold your child for the first time. I couldn't imagine giving up one of mine." \n\n[[Next.|Parent 2]]\n\n\n

Even though Leah is still sick about how she became pregnant, she decides she wants to keep the baby. She is very worried about her job and about how she will manage to support herself and a child, but she hopes her mother meant it when she said that she has her parents' support, no matter what. \n\n[[Continue.|Parents birth]]

The next day, Leah arrives at the bar early again, hoping that Jim will have an answer for her right away. \n\nJim gives her a slight smile when she walks in the office. Leah has high hopes that she'll be able to take the time off.\n\n"I know you wanted four days off, but I just can't lose you for that long. But I understand that things come up with family. How about three days off? Can you make that work?"\n\nLeah considers this. Three days is the bare minimum of time she needs and it's likely she'll need a full four days to factor in recovery and driving back home. If anything goes wrong, she might need even more time than that.\n\nShe decides she has two choices: quit her job, or take the three days and deal with the consequences if she needs more time off.\n\n[[Leah decides to quit.|Quit]]\n[[Leah decides to take the three days.|Parents]]

When Leah wakes up the next morning, her abdomen is still throbbing and her bleeding is still pretty heavy. She knows this is normal; the nurse was careful to explain what was typical and what was worrisome. \n\nBut she also knows she's in no shape to drive, much less be on her feet for a busy Friday night shift. She has no choice but to call her boss and hope for the best.\n\n[[Next.|Alt Call Jim]]

Leah finds her mother putting away groceries.\n\n"Mom," she says, "I need to talk to you."\n\n"Of course, just let me finish with the groceries."\n\nAs Leah's mother puts away packages of pasta and bags of fruit, Leah gets more and more nervous. She tries to help, just to occupy herself while she waits, but her mother shoos her off. Finally, Leah just gets a soda out of the refrigerator and goes to sit at the kitchen table. Leah is frustrated by waiting. She's sure her mom must realize this is important, but she's still fussing with the groceries with no sense of urgency. Maybe she's stalling.\n\nFinally, Leah's mother pours herself a glass of iced tea and sits down across the kitchen table. \n\n"What did you want to talk about?"\n\n"I was thinking about what I want to do, about, well -- I'm going to be a mother."\n\nLeah's mother drew a deep breath and pursed her lips. \n\n"Leah, have you really thought about this? Are you sure this is what you want to do?"\n\n[["Yes, Mom, I'm sure."|sure birth]]\n[["No, I mean, I thought I was, but, it's just really scary."|not sure birth]]

Leah heaved a final sob and bit into her lip. She had to figure this out. She had to do something. Maybe she should talk to someone. \n\nHer mom always meant well, but she'd also always raised an eyebrow at Leah's late hours at the bar, saying it wasn't safe. And even with her mom's worries, what if she didn't believe her? It's not like the scraps of what Leah could remember made for a very convincing story.\n\nLeah could call her sister Sam but she was all the way down in Austin. They weren't especially close but Leah was always sure Sam would come through for her in a pinch. She worried, though, about bothering Sam; it was her first year in graduate school and she probably didn't need drama from her loser sister.\n\nMaybe Pastor Mike would know what to do. He'd always been kind to Leah even if she wasn't the most regular about showing up to Sunday services. She thought she could trust him not to tell anyone but the thought of telling Pastor Mike, who probably still thought of her as a wayward member of the youth choir, what had happened, left a knot in her stomach.\n\n[[Talk to Mom|Mom]]\n[[Talk to Sam|Sam]]\n[[Talk to Pastor Mike|Pastor Mike]]

"Sounds like you're in a tight spot," Jim says.\n\n"Yeah, I am. I'm just trying to do the right thing."\n\n"I can appreciate that. Look, I know you have a rough road ahead of you. You're welcome to stay here as long as you can. I can't guarantee that I won't need to hire someone else in your absence, but I'll try my best to keep a spot open for you."\n\n"Thanks, Jim. I really appreciate it."\n\n[[Next.|Church]]

Sam answers after the phone has rung what feels like a million times.\n\n"Hi Sam, it's Leah."\n\n"Leah, it's so great you called!" Sam seems genuinely excited but Leah still feels uneasy.\n\n"Sam, I --"\n\n"Wait, let me turn the stereo off." There's a brief pause as the background din lowers, then Sam continues.\n\n"There, what's up?"\n\n"Well, I. There was this night at work a couple months ago. I thought I was sick, and my boss told me to go home early, and so I did, but Mr. Thompson said he'd make sure I got home safe," Leah trailed off.\n\n"That's good, right? Mr. Thompson's like, the principal at the junior high or something now, right?"\n\n"No, I mean, he is, but he didn't get me home, I --" \n\n"Leah," Sam cuts in. "Did you have sex with Mr. Thompson? What were you thinking? Mom would die."\n\nAt this point, Leah is shaking.\n\n"No, no Sam, it wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all. I woke up in my truck, and I was all beat up, and my underwear was gone, and I was so sick. I was so sick, and I didn't remember, I can't remember, and I didn't tell anyone, but Sam, I'm pregnant."\n\nThere was silence. Leah struggled to maintain her composure.\n\n"Sam?"\n\n"I'm here. I just, I'm thinking. I know you didn't tell anyone, so you probably don't want to, but I can't believe you're letting him get away with this. Leah, you can't have a baby, you haven't even gone to college yet. If you have a baby, you're totally going to wind up stuck living with mom and dad forever. Besides, you'll never live it down. You know how that whole town is."\n\nLeah chews on her lip as Sam continues. What Sam is saying makes sense but she just isn't sure.\n\n"Look, if you want to come down here for a couple weeks or something, there's a really good clinic here. You could get things taken care of and just say you're visiting me."\n\nLeah appreciates her sister's offer even if it does seem pushy. Sam might be bossy but at least she tries to help. Still, it's hard to be on the phone talking about this.\n\n"I'll have to think about that," Leah says and then ends the call.\n\nLeah feels like she has a lot to consider.\n\n[[Continue|Choice]]\n\n

After a good night's sleep, Leah feels a little better, though she's still somewhat unsettled. She can tell that Sam really wants to cheer her up, so after Sam's classes are done for the day, Leah agrees to a little sightseeing. All the while, though, her internal monologue is running as she ponders whether she's really making the right decision. \n\nAs the day draws to a close, Leah knows she's running out of time. The appointment for her abortion is at nine o'clock in the morning. She also needs to take medication soon to start dilating her cervix. As she lies curled up on Sam's couch trying to rest, she considers, for the millionth time, it's worth the possibility of long-term risks. \n\n[[Leah decides to have the abortion|Procedure 1]]\n[[Leah decides to pursue adoption|Adoption bridge 2]]\n[[Leah decides to keep the baby|Birth bridge]]

The next morning, after tossing and turning most of the night, Leah gets up early and hops on the family computer. By the time her parents get up, she's already finished filing for unemployment. Grateful that she's still covered by her parents' insurance and she doesn't have other bureaucratic hoops to jump through, she goes into the kitchen to break the news to her parents.\n\n"How long have you been up?" her mom asks, handing Leah a glass of juice. \n\n"A while. I was, uh, filing for unemployment."\n\n"What? Why?"\n\nLeah pushes her juice aside. Her stomach is churning. \n\n"Jim fired me last night."\n\n"What happened?" her dad asks as he lowers the newspaper.\n\nLeah sighs. "Larry came into the bar two nights ago and started giving me grief. I got a little pissed off, and he left. Jim called me into his office yesterday and said he'd gotten complaints, and that I'd handled things unprofessionally, and so he let me go."\n\n"Now what are you going to do?" her father asks.\n\n"Well, I have to keep job-hunting while I'm on unemployment. I doubt anyone will hire me right now, but as long as I'm putting forth the effort, that's what counts. And as soon as I do find work, I'll take it."\n\n[[Continue.|Unemployment 2]]

Doctor Carter is warm and friendly. She gives Leah a checkup and then performs an ultrasound. It's still too early in the pregnancy for the baby to look like anything but a blob. But she can hear the heartbeat, which shocks her. \n\n"Do you have any questions?" Doctor Carter asks.\n\n"I don't even know where to begin," says Leah. "I know I need to eat well and take care of myself. But I don't know what birth is like or how to take care of a baby or anything."\n\n"Those worries are perfectly normal. I haven't had a patient yet who wasn't at least a little afraid. I'll give you some brochures to review. Don't worry, everything will get worked out in time. You're nearing the end of the first trimester, so we have just over six months to get everything sorted out."\n\n"Thank you. That helps."\n\n"Can we expect the father to be here next time?"\n\n"He's not involved," Leah says, dropping her gaze. "And before you ask, I'm glad he's not."\n\n"I understand," Doctor Carter says, squeezing Leah's shoulder. I don't doubt you'll be able to handle this. And I can point you in the direction of resources for assistance if you need them."\n\n"I appreciate that."\n\nOn her way out the door, Leah makes an appointment for her eighteenth week of pregnancy. She's still scared, but glad she has someone like Doctor Carter to help her out.\n\n[[Continue.|Confrontation]]

Leah is lucky she managed to book an appointment for her day off. The drive to Wichita Falls isn't bad but that and the appointment itself are going to take a good chunk out of her free time; she's glad she doesn't need to factor in getting to work on time.\n\nThe co-pay for the appointment is $60. Leah pays in cash, startled to realize how much of her tip money from the night before is just gone. And she knows that these visits get more and more frequent as a pregnancy continues. How is she going to bolster her savings and buy all the things she needs for a baby? \n\n[[Continue.|Prenatal care 3]]

Even though Leah loved her baby on sight, she knows the best thing--for her and for the baby--is to give her to a family actually ready to raise her. \n\nWith teary eyes and shaking hands, Leah signs the final paperwork surrendering all of her rights to the child. After kissing her baby's forehead, she hands the child over to Megan. \n\n"You've done a good thing," Megan says before she goes. \n\n[[Next.|Adoption Final 2]]

Leah decides to work this last shift so that Jim isn't suddenly short-staffed. Besides, she needs all the extra tips she can get. \n\nHalfway through her shift, Larry Thompson walks into the bar. \n\n"I'm going on break," Leah whispers to her co-worker, and then stumbles toward the bathroom, choking back bile and tears. She barely makes it to the sink before vomiting. \n\nAfter rinsing her mouth and washing her face, Leah looks herself in the eye and realizes she just can't do it. She can't carry Larry's child, not like this. And she can't keep working at this bar, not if she has to run into him ever again.\n\nThrough sheer force of will, Leah powers through until closing, pointedly avoiding Larry's table. It's a busy night so there are always glasses to clean and tables to clear. She can't be blamed for avoiding Larry when there are so many other things to do. \n\nAt the end of the night, Leah takes a deep breath and approaches Jim, who's closing out the register. \n\n"Jim, I'm sorry," she says, trying not to cry. "But I have to quit. Immediately."\n\n"Leah, what's going on? Is this because I needed to think it over before giving you some time off?"\n\n"I'm sorry," she says again. "It's--it's too complicated to explain. Thanks for everything."\n\nLeah turns and hurries out of the bar. Once she's sure she's out of sight, she allows herself to cry.\n\n[[Next.|Parents]]

Leah knows carrying the baby to term will be difficult. But she remembers hearing that some adoption agencies will help with medical costs so at least there's that. She'll need to talk to her parents, but at least she knows Pastor Mike will be supportive.\n\n[[Next.|Mike adoption]]

As her third trimester draws to a close, Leah does everything she can to stretch what little money she has. Per her unemployment requirements, she hunts for jobs but hasn't had success in finding work. Her mother starts covering doctor co-pays and has started purchasing things for the baby--clothes, a stroller, even a crib. Things that aren't cheap. \n\nLeah feels guilty, but all her mother says is, "Nonsense, I can't wait to spoil my first grandchild." Her voice has a touch of sadness, though, and Leah can't help but wish that the first grandchild was being born in better circumstances.\n\nSam comes out to visit, and the family has a small baby shower. Leah wonders if her mother tried to invite some of her friends in town or if she's too ashamed. \n\n[[Continue.|Give birth]]\n

Leah gets ready for her shift early. She's decided it's best to clear the air with Jim now rather than later. She knows her mother is right, that she'll need to take some time off after the baby is born. But she doesn't know how she'll support a child without a job. Public assistance is an option, but Leah isn't sure she wants that. Hopefully, she and Jim can work something out. \n\n[[Leah will talk things out with Jim.|Talk it out]]

A few days later, Leah gets a summary of her unemployment benefits in the mail. She knew she wouldn't be making what she used to, but when she sees what a small fraction she'll actually be collecting, she doesn't actually feel better. There's no way she can support herself on this, much less a baby. \n\nLeah sighs and sits down at the kitchen table. She goes through the next round of paperwork required to collect benefits, and puts them in the mail. Then she opens up the newspaper to browse the want ads.\n\n[[Continue.|End of pregnancy]]

Leah wraps up the conversation with her mother, saying she's decided to terminate the pregnancy and that she'll speak to Sam the next day about making arrangements. She is still worried about taking the days off work but tries not to focus on it.\n\n[[Next.|Appointment]]

When Leah gets home, her parents are out at a movie. She's glad to have the house to herself. As soon as she gets in the door, she shuts herself in her bedroom. Even though she's physically tired, her mind is racing. She calculates the money in her savings account. She's been putting money away, but considering all the baby-related expenses she's had, there's not much in there. She has maybe enough to get through the next three months, but that's it. And there's probably no way she can find another job when she's so visibly pregnant.\n\n[[Continue.|Unemployment]]

A few days later, Leah is laying awake in her bed. She has been having a hard time sleeping lately, which probably isn't surprising. She's been worrying over what to do, and the more days pass, the more she worries that her indecision is limiting her options. \n\nShe has some money in the bank. Not a lot, but enough that she could at least get down to Austin, and, based on what her sister has told her, probably pay for an abortion assuming nothing goes wrong. She wonders if she would never be able to separate any child she carried from what happened to her that night. Every second of the pregnancy and every second she's spent worrying, has already felt like some kind of punishment. She hates to lean on her sister for help, especially if it turns out that she doesn't have enough money, but ending the pregnancy does seem like it would be a huge relief.\n\nShe could carry the baby to term and work with an adoption agency. But again, the thought of carrying a baby to term at 19 in the small town where she grew up is already upsetting on its own, and it's doubly upsetting when she is forced to remember how she became pregnant. And maybe giving the baby up after all that time spent pregnant would be upsetting. But, also, it does seem like it would be nice to help out a family who really wants a child and can't have one.\n\nAnd, she supposes, she could keep the baby. She's always been good with children, but that doesn't really mean she's ready to be a mother. She probably couldn't keep the bartending job all the way through a pregnancy, and she has no idea where she'd find anything that paid as well. Supporting herself and a baby seems like it would be beyond difficult. She doesn't even have insurance. But what if it's the right thing to do?\n\nFinally, Leah falls into a fitful sleep. When she wakes up in the morning, she knows what she needs to do.\n\n[[She will go have an abortion in Austin.|Abortion]]\n[[She will give the baby up for adoption.|Adoption]]\n[[She will keep the baby.|Birth]]

Leah decides just to go by the restaurant early to talk to her manager. He always does paperwork in the back during the afternoon and she hopes he'll take her seriously in person.\n\n"Hey, Jim. I need to take some time off."\n\n"Whenabouts?"\n\n"Next week. I, I have to go out of town for a few days. It's a family emergency." \n\n"Well, that's going to put me in a real hard spot, Leah," Jim says, pushing back from the table. "You're the most popular bartender I've got, and we're already short staffed. Larry Thompson was just in last night asking where you were."\n\nLeah fought the bile rising in her throat.\n\n"Please. Just four days. I need four days."\n\n"I'll see what I can do. I'll let you know tomorrow."\n\nLeah thanks him and leaves the bar. She could just quit. She needs out of the job eventually, just to get away from leering Larry Thompson and everyone who thinks he's such a great guy. Or, she could wait. Jim usually tries to take care of her, but if she can't get the time off, or if she can't get an appointment on one of the few days she's begged for, she'll be in real trouble.\n\n[[Leah decides to quit.|Quit]]\n[[Leah waits to hear from Jim.|Wait]]

As her pregnancy progresses, Leah struggles more at work. Her feet and legs end up very sore and swollen after her shift. She keeps going, though. Even though it's hard to keep up the pace like she used to, and she feels like she needs to use the bathroom all the time, she does her best. If Jim notices, he doesn't say anything.\n\nOne slow night, Larry comes in and sits down across from her. "Didn't know you had a boyfriend."\n\nShe wants to throw the glass she's polishing in his face, but as usual, restrains herself.\n\n"I don't, and I think you know that. It's not like this town doesn't know my business."\n\n"Who's the father then?"\n\nShe slams the glass down with such force she's surprised it doesn't break. "I wouldn't know. I was drugged."\n\nShe wants to tell him off, tell him she knows and that she's not afraid of him, but she doesn't want to risk public acknowledgement of her baby's paternity. That might put the whole adoption process at risk. \n\nSomething in her eyes or her tone startles him, because he jumps off his stool and backs out the door without saying a word. \n\n[[Continue.|Fired]]

Leah feels unsettled after her conversation with her father. She knows her mom will support her but she hates that her father is so upset. She's really worried about money now, too.\n\nMaybe adoption is a better choice. Leah has heard that the adoptive parents will frequently cover medical costs. She still isn't sure she could give a baby up after giving birth but maybe it's a sacrifice she has to make. Maybe her dad will be more supportive of that.\n\n[[Leah decides to give the baby up for adoption.|Mike adoption]]\n[[Leah decides to keep the baby.|Prenatal care]]\n\n

In the morning, Leah is almost afraid to confront her sister. She knows Sam will think she's making a mistake. She doesn't want to deal with being a disappointment. But she's also sure that this is the best choice. \n\nWhen Sam comes in, she raises an eyebrow at the sight of Leah packing her clothes.\n\n"I just can't do it," Leah says before Sam has a chance to speak. "I know you're going to think I'm stupid, but I don't think it's worth the risk. I'm going to go back home and ask for help in putting the baby up for adoption."\n\nSam shrugs. "If that's what you think is best, you should do that."\n\nLeah averts her eyes. "Anyway, I shouldn't stay too much longer. It's a long drive back, and I'm scheduled to work tomorrow."\n\nSam helps Leah carry her bag to her truck, then turns to give her a final hug. \n\n"You're not a disappointment," Sam says. "You're my sister."\n\n[[Next.|adoption bridge]]

"Sounds like you're in a tight spot," Jim says.\n\n"Yeah, I am. I'm just trying to do the right thing."\n\n"I can appreciate that. Look, I'm going to be honest here. I know you have a rough road ahead of you. And you've always been a great employee. You're welcome to stay here as long as you can."\n\nLeah feels a flood of relief. \n\nJim continues. "I just need you to understand that while I'll try to keep a job open for you, I might need to hire someone else after the baby is born. I want you to come back, of course. But you're going to need a lot of time to recover and adjust, and I don't know how long I'll be able to wait." \n\nLeah's heart sinks. She doesn't begrudge Jim, not really. She just doesn't know what else to do. She consoles herself with the fact that she still has a job for the time being. \n\n[[Continue.|Talk to Dad]]

Leah is worried about telling her parents. She doesn't feel a need to be explicit, but even saying she's going down to see Sam is difficult. \n\nShe decides to call Sam before she tells them, to make sure she can get an appointment. \n\nBut, if she's going to be out of town, she'll have to take some days off work, too -- maybe a lot of days. It will be a relief to get away from the bar. The place sickens her these days. But she's not sure they'll let her come back if she takes the days off. Even four days off in short order is a lot, and she needs at least that. She could just quit. It's not like she wants to be there, anyhow.\n\nSo much to deal with. She'll just have to tackle them one thing at a time.\n\n[[Leah calls Sam.|Appointment]]

Two months later, Leah is starting to feel better. She's working full-time at the dollar store, which actually feels like a step down from bartending, but it's better than nothing. She's making steady but small payments on her hospital bill. Leah worries that she'll be in debt forever, but tries not to think about it, because she's also saving up to move out of town. After everything that's happened, she needs a change.\n\nNot a day goes by that Leah doesn't think about Emily and questions whether she did the right thing. She misses her daughter constantly. Her thoughts waver constantly between the belief she did the right thing, and the regret that she'll never get to see her daughter grow up or know anything about her.

Leah has the next night off from work. She and her mother are going to talk to her dad after dinner. Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe her dad will have some good advice.\n\nAfter helping her mother with the dishes, the two of them walk into the living room, where her father is channel surfing and sipping a beer. \n\n"Dad, I need to talk to you."\n\nHer father turns of the television and looks up. "Everything okay? You look worried."\n\nLeah and her mother sit down; she is between them on the couch.\n\n"Dad, I'm pregnant."\n\n"What? How did this happen?"\n\nLeah almost chokes on her words, but she knows she has to get the story out. "It...it was a couple of months ago. I was at work and got sick. Really dizzy, could barely stand up. Jim sent me home."\n\n"I'm not following."\n\n"I...Dad, I don't know. Larry Thompson talked to Jim and said he'd make sure I got home safe. I woke up the next morning in my truck, and I was bruised, and bleeding, and..."\n\nLeah can't finish. This is even harder than it was to tell her mother.\n\n[[Continue.|Talk to Dad 2]]

Leah meets with her caseworker to start making preparations for the adoption. She knows there's going to be a lot of planning involved.\n\nMegan is as friendly as before. She listens to Leah's rationale and nods. \n\n"That sounds like the best choice for you. Now, we have to go over some things. I notice that the father of the baby didn't come with you. I assume he's not involved in your life."\n\nLeah drops her gaze. "You could say that, yeah."\n\n"Texas law, however, requires that both biological parents agree to the adoption. He's going to have to sign paperwork just like you are."\n\n"That's...that's not really possible." Leah struggles not to cry. She hates that all she seems to do anymore is try to hide her tears.\n\n"Why not?"\n\n"I...I don't know who he is."\n\nLeah is not about to ask Larry Thompson to sign a piece of paper and agree to an adoption. For one thing, she doesn't think he deserves a say. For another thing, she's afraid he'll refuse.\n\n"Well, we have to do our due diligence to try to get that information. If you have an idea of who it might be, you can order a paternity test."\n\n"I...I have no idea. I, uh, I was drugged."\n\n[[Next.|Proceedings 2]]\n

Leah wakes up groggy after a night of restless sleep. She's still nervous but knows she's making the best possible decision. She'd rather assume a slight risk than deal with the fallout of carrying Larry's baby.\n\nSam drives Leah to the clinic. \n\n"Don't be scared," she says, in her slightly know-it-all way. "This happens all the time. You're going to be just fine."\n\nWhile Leah is usually annoyed when her sister takes that tone, today she finds Sam's confidence and attitude reassuring.\n\n[[Next.|Procedure 2]]\n\n

Leah has heard stories of women who sit at clinics for hours and hours, waiting to be called. The thirty minutes she sits there feels like a day, even with page after page of clinic paperwork to distract her. \n\nIt pained her a little to hand over almost all her savings, but she knows that if she can barely afford this, she definitely can't afford to raise a child. And she doesn't want to end up even more dependent on her parents than she already is.\n\nSam tries to make small talk, but Leah isn't quite in the mood. Finally, she's called back. Sam squeezes Leah's hand before she follows the nurse back. \n\n[[Next.|Procedure 3]]

After speaking with the doctor once more and discussing the procedure and risks, Leah is still sure of her decision. She shivers in her hospital gown. \n\nThe nurse gives Leah a sedative and then squeezes her hand. "I know that this is difficult for you. But your sister is out there, and I'll be here with the doctor the whole time."\n\nAs the sedative kicks in, Leah drifts off. She makes some small talk with the doctor, but soon, she's asleep.\n\n[[Next.|Recovery]]

Leah settles in and lets herself get lost in the sermon. Soon, she has forgotten all about the comment. Afterward, the church serves tea, coffee, and cookies out on the lawn. \n\nLeah's parent's are wrapped up in conversation with some people from her mother's job. Leah stands at the fringes on the group, nibbling on an oatmeal cookie. Mrs. Spellman, a longtime member of the church, approaches.\n\n"Leah, I have to say that I was sorry to hear about your...condition," she says, dropping her voice.\n\nThis is the last thing Leah wanted to discuss, but she tries to be polite. "Well, you know. Sometimes life throws us unexpected challenges."\n\n"You know, back in my day, girls like you used to get sent away. They used to have special homes where girls could stay until things were back to normal."\n\n"Oh, I didn't know that." Leah doesn't know how else to respond.\n\n"I've always thought that was the best thing. For girls like that to be sent away so that they can't be a bad influence on the community."\n\nLeah feels her throat tighten. This isn't her fault, and now she's considered a bad example. \n\n"I...I...I'm sorry you feel that way?" That's all Leah can think to say.\n\nFortunately, her mother swoops in. "Honey, we should get going. We're expecting company."\n\nLeah knows that's a lie, but she's grateful to her mother. Nodding at Ms. Spellman, she hurries toward the car. \n\n"Don't let people like that drag you down," her mother says as they walk away. "They don't know what it's like. Your father and I still support you, no matter what.\n\n[[Next.|Unsure]]

This morning, though, things are a little different. Leah isn't quite sure, but she thinks some people are staring at her. She's only showing a little right now, but she knew word would get around once she told the rest of her co-workers. Probably the whole town knows by now. \n\nAs she walks down the aisle and takes a spot in the pew, she swears she hears someone whisper, "Slut." Leah jerks her head around, but she can't identify anyone who looks particularly suspicious. Wondering if it was just her imagination, Leah takes her seat at the far end of the aisle. \n\n[[Next.|Church 3]]\n\n

Leah knows she's not going to be able to keep the secret. She hasn't stopped crying since she left the hospital. \n\nWhen Leah walks into the house, her mother is making dinner, but immediately stops when she sees Leah's face.\n\n"What's wrong?"\n\n"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it."\n\n"What?"\n\n"I gave her up. I took her to the hospital and I gave her up. I'm sorry. I know you were kind of happy about having a grandchild. I just couldn't do it."\n\n"Leah, oh my God. Look, we can fix this. We can go back and--"\n\n"No, Mom. I'm sorry."\n\nLeah's mother looks at her in shock for a few minutes, then embraces her sobbing child. "I said we'd support you no matter what. I meant it."\n\n[[Next.|Safe Haven 3]]

As Leah enters her ninth month of pregnancy, she's growing increasingly nervous. None of the potential adoptive families Megan has contacted have followed up. Leah has fears of nobody reaching out and her having to raise the baby. She doesn't want to just consign her infant to the foster care system. She only wants to give the baby up if she knows it has somewhere safe to go. \n\n[[Next.|Open 3]]

A week before her due date, Leah is in a near panic. She's certain she's going to have to scramble to figure out how to raise this baby on her own.\n\nThat afternoon, the phone rings. It's Megan.\n\n"Great news! One of the families I contacted last week is interested. They're completely on-board with an open arrangement. They want to come out this weekend and meet you."\n\n"Yeah, that sounds great. Where are they coming from?"\n\n"They live in Round Rock."\n\n"Wow, not too far. Yeah, I'd love to meet them."\n\n"Great, I'll be in touch."\n\nAs Leah hangs up the phone, she feels a pang of sadness. Her baby will be so close, but so far away. Sam will have a niece right in her area. But maybe if everything goes smoothly, Leah will be able to visit her child once in a while. \n\n[[Next.|Meet Parents]]

As she moves into the third trimester, Leah struggles more at work. Her feet and legs end up very sore and swollen after her shift. She keeps going, though. Even though she doesn't like her job that much, having someplace to go is better than sitting at home doing nothing and earning money is better than not. \n\nShe's still seeing her counselor and following up with her caseworker at the adoption agency. She's been reading profiles of couples looking to adopt and has reached out to a few, but so far, none of them have followed up yet. Leah worries about what will happen if the baby is born and she hasn't found an adoptive family, but Megan tells her not to worry. The right family will come along. \n\nOne slow night, Larry comes in and sits down across from her. "Didn't know you had a boyfriend."\n\nShe wants to throw the glass she's polishing in his face, but, as usual, restrains herself.\n\n"I don't, and I think you know that. It's not like this town doesn't know my business."\n\n"Who's the father then?"\n\nShe slams the glass down with such force she's surprised it doesn't break. "I wouldn't know. I was drugged."\n\nShe wants to tell him off, tell him she knows and that she's not afraid of him, but she doesn't want to risk public acknowledgement of her baby's paternity. That might put the whole adoption process at risk. \n\nSomething in her eyes or her tone startles him, because he jumps off his stool and backs out the door without saying a word.\n\n[[Next.|Open 2]]\n

When Leah arrives at home, she goes upstairs to take a nap before her shift. Her energy has been low lately and she doesn't think she can make a decision like this while feeling so tired.\n\nLeah sleeps longer than expected and is almost late to work. When she arrives, it's already busy so she dives right in to taking orders and pouring drinks. Even though she still feels fatigued, she's grateful to be busy. Her mind is full, and it's nice to have a task to distract her for a little while.\n\nWhen Larry Thompson walks into the bar and sits at a stool right in front of Leah, she almost bursts into tears. But she keeps her cool and pours him his usual Wild Turkey on the rocks.\n\n"What's new with you, Leah?" he asks. "I haven't had the chance to talk to you much since that night you got sick."\n\nIt's getting more and more difficult to keep her composure. "I've been really busy, Larry. I've got some stuff going on at home."\n\n"Oh, your parents doing okay? I hadn't heard anything."\n\n"It's...it's personal."\n\nWhen a group of Larry's friends come into the bar and call him over to a table, Leah nearly weeps with relief. Anything so she doesn't have to talk one-on-one with him anymore.\n\nOn the drive home, Leah can't help but think about which route to take. She still can't imagine just giving her baby up and not knowing what happened to it. But she's also scared that if she did get to stay in touch, the child would grow up to look like Larry, and that she'd continue to be haunted. \n\nThe next morning, after a deep sleep, Leah feels ready to make a decision. \n\n[[Leah chooses open adoption.|Open]]\n[[Leah chooses closed adption.|Closed]]

After Megan leaves, Leah turns to her mother again. \n\n"I don't know how I'm going to raise this baby. All I know is that I couldn't let her go."\n\nHer mother nods. "We'll figure it out. Why don't you quit the bar for a while? You're going to need time to recover, and you're going to have your hands full."\n\n"How will I afford...I don't know. I'm not even prepared. I've spent all this time not thinking about being a mother."\n\n"I can help. I've done this twice before, remember? Your father and I will help you out for a while."\n\n"You're both struggling as it is!"\n\n"We can find a way to take care of our first grandchild. And maybe you can get some public assistance for a few months until you get back on your feet."\n\n"I don't want to--"\n\n"I didn't say forever. Just for now."\n\n"Maybe you're right."\n\nVisiting hours at the hospital are coming to a close.\n\n"Get some rest," her mom says. "You're getting discharged tomorrow morning. I'm going to go home and get some things ready around the house."\n\n"I love you, Mom."\n\n"I love you, too."\n\nLeah is left holding her baby. She's still terrified; she has no clue how to be a mom. But she knows her family has her back.

That Saturday, Megan picks Leah up and drives her to the restaurant where they're going to meet Anne and Derek Lawson, the couple that wants to adopt her child.\n\nAnne and Derek are already seated when they arrive. Everyone shakes hands and makes introductions. Anne is well-groomed but casual, and laughs easily. Derek is also well-put-together and likes to talk about his job as a software engineer.\n\n[[Next.|Meet Parents 2]]

As she moves into the third trimester, Leah struggles more at work. Her feet and legs end up very sore and swollen after her shift. She keeps going, though. Even though she doesn't like her job that much, having someplace to go is better than sitting at home doing nothing, and earning money is better than not. \n\nShe's still seeing her counselor and following up with her caseworker at the adoption agency. She wonders about the people who will raise her child, but tries to push those thoughts out of her head. That will always be a mystery, and it won't do her any good to think about, either now or later. \n\nOne slow night, Larry comes in and sits down across from her. "Didn't know you had a boyfriend."\n\nShe wants to throw the glass she's polishing in his face, but, as usual, restrains herself.\n\n"I don't, and I think you know that. It's not like this town doesn't know my business."\n\n"Who's the father then?"\n\nShe slams the glass down with such force she's surprised it doesn't break. "I wouldn't know. I was drugged."\n\nShe wants to tell him off, tell him she knows and that she's not afraid of him, but she doesn't want to risk public acknowledgement of her baby's paternity. That might put the whole adoption process at risk. \n\nSomething in her eyes or her tone startles him, because he jumps off his stool and backs out the door without saying a word. \n\n[[Next.|Labor]]\n

Leah told her mother that, while she agreed that perhaps keeping the baby wasn't the right choice, she felt adoption might be the best option. As the conversation came to a close, Leah decided to talk to Pastor Mike. A lot of adoption agencies were connected to churches, and even if she wasn't the most regular churchgoer, she'd always trusted Pastor Mike. \n\n[[Next.|Mike adoption]]

Leah decides to talk to her mother first. She hasn't spoken to her dad directly about the situation yet and while she thinks her mom might have told him something, she isn't sure. And while she'd like to talk to her mother right away, it takes her a few days to find the time. First, her mom is out of the house, and then Leah is working odd hours. By the time they are able to sit down together to talk, several days have passed and Leah has been thinking over what to say a lot.\n\n[[Continue.|Mom birth]]

Leah sat curled on the bathroom floor, sobbing. She had been trying for weeks to just get by, to not think about that night, to not piece together what happened. She knew she had come to the next morning in the cab of her truck, her thighs and breasts bruised, her underwear missing. Everything else was a collection of blurry photographs. She had been working behind the bar and then she'd gotten dizzy. After she'd knocked over a glass, the manager had told her to go home. He thought she was sick. She thought she was sick. And then Mr. Thompson said he'd make sure she got home safe, but she'd woken up in the truck. Panties missing. Bruised thighs. She'd half fallen from the cab and spent what felt like hours kneeling on the asphalt retching. After, she'd cleaned herself up as best she could in the gas station bathroom and crept home, trying not to think about it, trying not to think about anything. \n\nAnd now, two months later, she had to think about it. The pregnancy test clutched in her hand was going to force her to. Leah might never know exactly what had happened that night but she knew this: she was pregnant.\n\n[[Continue|Talk]]

Leah waits a week to be sure that she is comfortable with her decision. But after giving it lots of thought, she's certain that this is the best choice. She can give an infertile couple a baby, but she also won't have to be reminded of what happened if it grows up looking like Larry Thompson.\n\n[[Next.|Proceedings]]\n\n

Leah's mother handles the discussion with her father. And, so, her parents both go with her to meet Pastor Mike. He is calm and kind as ever, which relaxes Leah, particularly since her father is tense. \n\nPastor Mike is ready with copies of the adoption agency brochure for Leah's parents. He tells Leah he could set up a few conversations with her over the next few months, just so he can check on her and make sure things are ok. He also offers to let her call the adoption agency from his office. She appreciates the offered support, even if she isn't sure she'll take advantage of it. It's really nice to know that Pastor Mike is there to watch out for her and guide her.\n\nHer parents ask him a few questions. Leah can tell both of them are nervous about what people will think. Nobody brings up how Leah became pregnant, which is a relief even if it strikes her as strange. Maybe some things are just better undiscussed. Pastor Mike tries to reassure them all that Leah is doing a good thing, but she doesn't feel good. He hasn't been able to reassure her very well about the gossip she'll face and she knows it will affect her whole family.\n\nAs the conversation with Pastor Mike draws to a close, Leah tells him she will call the adoption agency the next day. \n\n[[Next.|Call agency]]

Leah finds her mother putting away groceries.\n\n"You're home earlier than I expected," her mother says. "Is everything okay? What happened?"\n\n"Mom," Leah replies, "I need to talk to you."\n\n"Of course, just let me finish with the groceries."\n\nAs Leah's mother puts away packages of pasta and bags of fruit, Leah gets more and more nervous. She tries to help, just to occupy herself while she waits, but her mother shoos her off. Finally, Leah just gets a soda out of the refrigerator and goes to sit at the kitchen table. Leah is frustrated by waiting. She's sure her mom must realize this is important, but she's still fussing with the groceries with no sense of urgency. Maybe she's stalling.\n\nFinally, Leah's mother pours herself a glass of iced tea and sits down across the kitchen table. \n\n"What did you want to talk about?"\n\n"I was thinking about what I want to do, about the -- Mom, I want to keep the baby. I didn't think I did, but after I talked to the doctor and thought about the risks, I changed my mind."\n\nLeah's mother drew a deep breath and pursed her lips. \n\n"Leah, are you absolutely positive? Are you sure this is what you want to do?"\n\n[["Yes, Mom, I'm sure."|sure birth]]

Leah's parents accompany her to the meeting with the adoption agency. The caseworker, Megan, is warm and welcoming.\n\n"I'm sorry that you're in this tough situation," she says as they assemble in her office. "But you're going to be able to make another family very happy. You're giving them a gift."\n\nSomething about that sentiment makes Leah feel prickly, but she chalks it up to nerves.\n\n"I've been reading up on the different types of adoptions," she says, trying to focus. "I'm just not sure where to go from here."\n\n"I'd be happy to discuss that more with you," Megan says. "There are lots of things to consider. The big difference between open adoption and closed adoption is how much contact you're allowed to have with the child and its adoptive family. With a closed adoption, all records are sealed. The adoptive parents won't be able to contact you, and you won't be able to contact them."\n\nLeah glances at her mother and wonders if that would be the best choice. It's hard to imagine carrying a child for nine months and then never knowing anything about it. On the other hand, she wouldn't have to be reminded of what Larry did.\n\nMegan continues, "With an open adoption, there is communication between you and the adoptive parents. Different families work it out in different ways. You can get pictures and letters about your child. In some cases, visits might be arranged. That's something we'd have to work out carefully."\n\nThey talk more about the different options, and by the time it's done, Leah's head is swimming. She realizes she needs some time to go home and think before making such a huge decision. She and her parents thank Megan for her time and then they go home. \n\n[[Next.|Home]]\n\n

"Forget that place," Sam says. "You can find a job here, even if it's bartending. You can do that to hold you over for a little while, maybe take some classes at the community college. You can sleep here until you get enough checks to get back on your feet."\n\n"I don't even have any clothes here," Leah sobs. "All my stuff is back home."\n\n"Mom and Dad can ship your things here. Or you can borrow my stuff for a few days. Shit, I'll buy you some new clothes, even. We can make do, and then when you can get your own place, you can go home and get all your stuff."\n\nLeah isn't entirely sure she wants to live in Austin. But there are more jobs here and she could further her education. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. She could always try it for a few months and then go home if it didn't work out.\n\n"I'm still freaked out about my lack of savings. And, you know, after yesterday, I kind of want to be with Mom right now."\n\n"How about we ask Mom to come up tomorrow? She only works three days a week. She could stay until Monday afternoon."\n\n"That would be nice."\n\n"I'll call her right now," Sam says. She gives Leah a huge hug. "Don't worry. We're family. We take care of each other."

On the phone, Sam is no nonsense, if a bit stilted. She claims she has an exam the next day and Leah can't help but feel like an imposition. \n\n"Look, I'll make the appointment for you," Sam says. "Just tell me some stuff. Hang on, I've got a list."\n\nLeah listens to Sam rifling through papers and picks at her nail polish. When Sam is back on the line, she asks what seems like a litany of questions. \n\nFinally, Sam says she'll call the clinic and lets Leah go. Leah feels confident she's made the right decision but she's still nervous. She hasn't even visited Sam in Austin before and she wishes she was going under better circumstances. Plus, she's going to have to wrangle some days off work, which might be difficult. \n\n[[Next.|Job]]\n

"I'm going to keep the baby, Dad. I know there are other options. I know that the timing and situation are really, really bad. But this feels like the right thing to do."\n\nHer father's jaw drops. "Are you sure you've thought this through?"\n\n"Yeah. I know I don't have a lot of money. But Jim said I could work as long as I was able. I don't know what I'll do about work after the baby is born, but I figured if I worked hard to save I could come up with a cushion to live off of for a few months."\n\nHer father snorts. "Are you serious? Do you know how much it's going to cost you just to have that baby? Probably more than you make in a year!"\n\nLeah doesn't know how much more of this she can take. She's beginning to fear that her dad will kick her out.\n\n"David, I said that we'd support her and that's what we're going to do. We'll make it work somehow. It will be tough but we're a family, and that's what families do."\n\n"I could move out, Dad. If that's what you wanted. I can figure it out on my own." \n\n"Nonsense," her mother says. "We have insurance. We'll make this work."\n\nHer father sighs. "You're right, Sharon. I'm sorry, Leah. We'll figure this out."\n\n[[Continue.|Decide]]

"Are you suggesting that Larry Thompson is the kind of guy who would....would do such a thing?"\n\nLeah starts to cry. "I don't know, Dad. I'm telling you what happened. I got sick. Larry offered to take me home. I blacked out. I woke up in my truck. That's all I can say."\n\n"Maybe it was someone else."\n\n"David, that is not a helpful thing to say." Her mother's tone is sharp.\n\n"I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this."\n\n"What's done is done," her mother replies. "I told Leah that we would support her no matter what. We can't change the past, but we need to discuss the future."\n\n"So what did you decide, Leah?" her dad asks.\n\n[[Continue.|Talk to Dad 3]]

The second her mother arrives at home, Leah says, "I need to talk to you."\n\n"Sure, Sweetie, what's up?"\n\nLeah shows her mother the hosptial bill. "I don't know what to do. I don't have a job, and I'm so burned out that I don't know how I'd manage to even keep one. I can barely get through the day, and Emily and I would be out on the streets if we didn't have you helping. I just feel hopeless. I feel like I'm trapped and I'll never get out."\n\nSharon looks at her daughter with sympathy. "You're not trapped, hon. I promise."\n\n"What am I supposed to do?"\n\n"Tomorrow, call the hospital and work out a payment plan. Your father and I will take over some of the baby stuff, and you focus on putting your checks toward paying that off."\n\n"Are you sure?"\n\n"Yes, I'm sure. When you start working again, we can renegotiate."\n\n"Thanks, Mom. I love you."\n\n"I love you, too."\n\n[[Next.|Settling In]]

After what seems like forever spent pushing, Leah delivers her baby. The doctor announces that it's a girl. All of a sudden, Leah bursts into tears. She's overwhelmed with exhaustion and the sudden flood of emotions that rushes through her.\n\nLeah's mother comforts her while the doctors clean the baby and check her vitals. "You don't have to hold her if you don't want to. I understand that it's hard, doing what you're doing."\n\n"I do want to hold her," Leah says through her tears. She has forty-eight hours before she can legally surrender her baby to Anne and Derek. She wants to have this chance with her child. \n\n[[Next.|Final Decision]]

Leah's mother stays by her side the entire time, from the paperwork all the way through. She even calls Megan, the caseworker, so Leah can try to get some rest.\n\nFor a long time, not much happens. They sit in the hospital room and watch cheesy action movies on television. Leah's contractions grow steadily worse, but she's still there for almost eight hours before the doctor comes in and announces that she's fully dilated.\n\n"You're lucky," her mom says, trying to lighten Leah's increasingly nervous mood. "Sam took thirty-six hours and you took twenty."\n\n[[Next.|Open Birth 5]]

Six days after her due date, Leah is helping her mother with the dishes. She's been having low-grade contractions for two days, but her water still hasn't broken. She's frustrated, in pain, and exhausted.\n\nLeah suddenly feels a stronger contraction and then a gush. There's no doubt about it. Her water has broken and she's in labor.\n\n"You still might have a while to go," her mother says. "We could take you to the hospital now or you could rest here and we could wait until morning."\n\nLeah feels anxious enough that she wants to head over. "Let's go now."\n\n[[Next.|Open Birth 4]]

On her due date, Leah experiences her first contraction. She's actually a little excited. She knows that babies rarely come on the due date and pregnancy has been exhausting. \n\nShe's also scared, though. Over the past several months, she's tried to keep from getting too attached the baby, because she knows that it's not hers to keep. She's afraid that once she gives birth, she won't be able to actually give the baby up. She doesn't want to disappoint the people waiting on a baby, and she know she can't raise the child herself. \n\nThe contractions, however, turn out to be Braxton-Hicks. Leah isn't in labor yet. She still has to wait.\n\n[[Next.|Open Birth 3]]

Leah works up until her due date. It's a real struggle at the end. Her back aches constantly and there's no way to get any lasting relief. With all the space the baby is taking up in her body, it's difficult to even breathe. Not to mention that she's exhausted all the time. The baby has gotten so big that it's difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep at night. \n\n[[Next.|Open Birth 2]]

Leah's mother was in the kitchen, reading the newspaper and drinking tea. \n\n"Mom, can I talk to you?"\n\nHer mother looked up over the paper and smiled at her. Leah almost lost her nerve but then the words spilled out.\n\n"Mom, I know you never liked me working at the bar, and I never listened to you, and I should have listened to you, because something happened. Something really bad happened."\n\n"I thought I was sick, and so I was supposed to leave early, and then Mr. Thompson said he'd make sure I got home safe, but I don't remember, and then I woke up in my truck. And I didn't know what to do, and I didn't tell anyone, and now I'm pregnant."\n\nLeah broke into sobs. Her mother's mouth fell open and for a horrible moment Leah thought her mother would yell at her. But then she reached out and took Leah's hand.\n\n"Oh, sweetie, what are you going to do?"\n\nFor a moment, Leah is startled. She thought her mom would have some answers, some solution. She stifles a sob.\n\n"I just don't know."\n\nHer mother squeezes her hand. \n\n"Whatever you want, your father and I will support you."\n\nWhile Leah finds her mother's kindness supporting, she feels no more certain about what she might do. \n\n[[Continue|Choice]]

Three months later, Leah is finally starting to feel better. She still doesn't get enough sleep, but her energy is improving, and so is her outlook. Still, she feels guilty about taking so much money from her parents. She can tell that they're pinching their pennies. Date nights have become less frequent, as have meals out. \n\nFinally, Leah gets a call about a job. One of the motels off the highway needs a new maid. It's not glamorous work, and Leah still isn't sure how to arrange childcare, but it's better than nothing. She can pay off the hospital bill faster, and maybe start saving to move out of town. After all that's happened, Leah wants a fresh start with her daughter.

After what seems like forever spent pushing, Leah delivers her baby. The doctor announces that it's a girl. All of a sudden, Leah bursts into tears. She's overwhelmed with exhaustion and the sudden flood of emotions that rushes through her.\n\nThe nurses clean the baby up and set her on Leah's chest. Never has Leah felt so exhausted, exhilarated, and terrified at the same time. She has no idea how she's going to care for the child now curled up on her body.\n\n[[Next.|New life]]

Six days after her due date, Leah is helping her mother with the dishes. She's been having low-grade contractions for two days, but her water still hasn't broken. She's frustrated, in pain, and exhausted.\n\nLeah suddenly feels a stronger contraction and then a gush. There's no doubt about it. Her water has broken and she's in labor.\n\n"You still might have a while to go," her mother says. "We could take you to the hospital now or you could rest here and we could wait until morning."\n\nLeah feels anxious enough that she wants to head over. "Let's go now."\n\n[[Next.|Give birth 3]]\n

Leah's mother stays by her side the entire time, from the paperwork all the way through. She even calls Megan, the caseworker, so Leah can try to get some rest.\n\nFor a long time, not much happens. They sit in the hospital room and watch cheesy action movies on television. Leah's contractions grow steadily worse, but she's still there for almost eight hours before the doctor comes in and announces that she's fully dilated.\n\n"You're lucky," her mom says, trying to lighten Leah's increasingly nervous mood. "Sam took thirty-six hours and you took twenty."\n\n[[Next.|Give birth 4]]

Three weeks later, Leah starts working some day shifts at the bar. Her strength hasn't fully returned yet so the busy night shifts are too much. But she enjoys having somewhere to go in the afternoons and the slow pace doesn't overtax her. \n\nThere hasn't been a day when Leah hasn't thought about her baby. She wonders when she'll stop thinking about how many weeks old she is or whether she's happy and healthy. She wonders if she'll stop counting down how many months are left before Anne and Derek send her an update.\n\nLeah knew it would be hard to give up her baby, but she didn't realize just how difficult it would be to keep the child out of her mind. Most days, she's certain that the baby is better off and that this was for the best. But sometimes, she's not sure.

Sam has to leave early to teach her class, so Leah putters around the apartment until ten o'clock, when she knows Jim usually arrives to take care of business affairs.\n\n"This is Jim," he says on the phone, sounding cheerful. Leah hopes that mood continues through the conversation.\n\n"Jim, it's Leah. I...I know you need me there tonight, but stuff came up in Austin. I'm really sorry, but I won't be able to drive back until Saturday."\n\n"Leah, we discussed this. I need you to work tonight."\n\n"I tried to make it work, Jim. I really did. But I can't make it back until Saturday."\n\n"Leah, I'm sorry about this. You've been a great employee. But if you don't make it in, don't come back."\n\n"Are you serious?"\n\n"Yes, Leah. Show up, or don't come back at all. I'm sorry, but that's the way it has to be." \n\nThe line goes dead. \n\n[[Next.|Abortion Conclusion]]

"Before we finish, we have to discuss options other than abortion," the doctor says. \n\nLeah doesn't want to. She's tired, and all she wants is for this to be over. But it's the law, so she nods and listens as the doctor describes the process of pregnancy and delivery and the emotions, ranging from love and elation to deep depression.\n\n"Are you sure you don't have more questions?" the doctor asks. \n\n"I'm sorry," Leah says. "I don't mean to be disengaged. I'm just taking it all in."\n\n"I know, it's a lot to think about. Let's review your options if you decide you want to carry the pregnancy to term."\n\n"I don't want to be a parent."\n\n"I know, but we still need to go over this information, in case you change your mind. I can provide you with resources for obtaining medical assistance. And the father of your child is obligated to provide support."\n\n"I don't want his support!" Leah snaps, surprised by her sudden outburst. "I...I mean...Yeah, I just don't want him around."\n\n"Do you want to talk about that more."\n\n"No, I just want to get through this."\n\n"You don't have to feel pressured."\n\n"I don't feel pressured. I just...this whole thing is really hard."\n\n"I know it is. But you're strong and you can get through it." \n\nAfter paying attention as the doctor goes through a list of social services and adoption resources, Leah is finally free to leave. When she walks back into the waiting room, she realizes she has never been so relieved to see her sister.\n\n[[Next.|Waiting Period]]

On her due date, Leah experiences her first contraction. She's excited to feel the pressure in her lower back and her abdomen. She knows that babies rarely come on the due date and pregnancy has been exhausting. \n\nThe contractions, however, turn out to be Braxton-Hicks. Leah isn't in labor yet. She still has to wait.\n\n[[Next.|Give birth 2]]

A few days later, Leah gets up early and drives to Austin. Sam has made the appointment for 11 a.m. so she leaves with plenty of time to account for traffic and stop by Sam's apartment first. \n\nWhen Leah knocks on Sam's door, she's surprised when her sister gives her a tight hug. Leah knows her sister loves her, but they've never been close. \n\n"Do you want me to go with you?" Sam asks as Leah drops her stuff near the couch. \n\n"You don't have class or anything?"\n\n"Not until evening."\n\n"Are you sure? I don't want to be a burden."\n\n"You're not a burden. You're my sister."\n\n[[Next.|Ultrasound]]

Leah is afraid that if she talks to her parents, they'll try to talk her out of giving Emily up. But she just can't keep doing this. \n\nThe next day, while they're at work, she dresses Emily and gathers up clothes and diapers. She drives to Wichita Falls, to the hospital where she gave birth. \n\nWalking into the building, Leah starts to cry, but she's afraid of how life will turn out if she doesn't do this. She goes to the labor and delivery floor and approaches a nurse.\n\n"I...I need to surrender my baby. She's thirty days old."\n\nShe hands over Emily and the diaper bag, and then backs away quickly. Leah is too ashamed to identify herself. \n\n[[Next.|Safe Haven 2]]

The next night, Jim calls Leah into his office while the crowd is still slow.\n\n"Leah, I hate to tell you this, but I'm going to have to let you go."\n\n"What? Why?"\n\n"There have been complaints about the way you were acting last night."\n\n"Last night?"\n\n"With Larry."\n\n"He was harassing me."\n\n"That's not the way everyone tells it."\n\n"And why do you believe them and not me?"\n\n"Leah, I'm sorry. If Larry was really a problem, you should have come to me so it could have been dealt with properly."\n\n"Please, Jim, don't do this. Even if I did screw up, when was the last time you had to discipline me?"\n\n"Leah, my mind is made up." He hands her an envelope of cash. "Here's the pay I owe you. You can go now."\n\nAs soon as she gets into her car, Leah starts bawling. She has no idea how she's going to keep a baby now. She can't even afford her co-pays, much less diapers.\n\n[[Continue.|Insomnia]]

Even though Leah loved her baby on sight, she knows the best thing--for her and for the baby--is to give her to Anne and Derek. \n\nWith teary eyes and shaking hands, Leah signs the final paperwork surrendering all of her rights to the child. \n\n"Anne and Derek would like to visit with you. Is that okay?"\n\nLeah swallows hard. "Yes." \n\nWhen Anne and Derek walk in, both of them are teary as well. \n\n"She's so beautiful, Leah," Anne says. "Did you name her?"\n\n"No, I thought you should be the ones to do that."\n\nAfter kissing her baby's forehead, she hands the child over to Anne. \n\n"You don't know how much this means to us," Derek says. "We will always be grateful to you."\n\n[[Next.|Open Adoption Final 2]]

The air conditioning in the clinic is turned up way too high. Leah shivers as she waits for the nurse practitioner to call her back. When her name is finally called, Sam stands up as well, but the nurse says that there's not enough space in the exam room and that Leah has to go by herself. \n\nAfter a series of questions, the nurse practioner begins the ultrasound. Leah squints at the screen. When she hears the heartbeat, she starts to shake and swallows down tears of rage. It's not fair that she's here, freezing, stuck with this horrible situation, while Larry Thompson is probably still sleeping off last night's drinking binge. \n\n"Are you okay, Leah?" the nurse asks. "Do you need some water?"\n\n"No, thanks. I'm fine," Leah says, though she can't stop her voice from shaking.\n\n"Are you sure?"\n\n"Please, let's just get this over with."\n\n"We can talk it through if you need to. You'll speak with a counselor in a few minutes, but I can go over some things. You have options."\n\n"I know what I want to do."\n\n"It's never easy, I know. I'm sorry you have to go through this."\n\nLeah nods, trying to maintain her composure. She doesn't want to cry in front of a stranger, even a nice one.\n\n"Well, we're all set here, if you want to speak with the counselor now."\n\n\n[[Next.|Counseling]]

Two weeks later, Leah accompanies her parents to church on Sunday morning. She's been attending more regularly over the past few months. Pastor Mike has been so helpful and supportive, and she finds that the sermons have been comforting to her as she's struggled. \n\n[[Next.|Church 2]]\n\n

Leah waits a week to be sure that she is comfortable with her decision. But after giving it lots of thought, she's certain that this is the best choice. She can't stand the thought of carrying a child to term and then having it disappear. This way, she can give an infertile couple a baby, but also keep in touch and not completely lose her child.\n\n[[Next.|Proceedings]]

When Leah arrives at the bar, she finds her boss busy with his usual bookkeeping duties.\n\n"You're early," he says as she knocks on his door. "Something wrong?"\n\n"I...It's hard to explain. I'm pregnant. Still in the first trimester. It was, um, unexpected to say the least. And the father is, uh, he's not involved. It's not an ideal situation, but I've decided to keep the baby. Anyway, I thought you should know. I want to keep working for as long as I can, and come back to work as soon as I recover."\n\n[[Next.|Talk it out 2]]

Leah starts getting ready to go, hoping to sneak out before Sam wakes up. She's supposed to stay and recover until Saturday, and doesn't want to deal with the argument that will happen if she tries to leave.\n\nSam, however, has always been a light sleeper and is standing in the living room before Leah is even finished packing.\n\n"What do you think you're doing?"\n\n"I need to get back. Soon. Jim says that if I don't work tonight, I'll be fired. He would only give me three days off. I tried to tell him something came up, but he wouldn't listen."\n\n"What an ass."\n\n"Ass or not, I need to leave now if I want to keep my job."\n\n"Leah, no. You need to rest."\n\n"And then what?" Leah snaps. "It's not exactly easy to find jobs back home. I'll be stuck doing what? Just living with Mom and Dad and doing nothing. I don't even have any savings anymore after yesterday. I have no cushion. Nothing."\n\n[[Next.|Abortion Conclusion 2]]

After what seems like forever spent pushing, Leah delivers her baby. The doctor announces that it's a girl. All of a sudden, Leah bursts into tears. She's overwhelmed with exhaustion and the sudden flood of emotions that rushes through her.\n\nLeah's mother comforts her while the doctors clean the baby and check her vitals. "You don't have to hold her if you don't want to. I understand that it's hard, doing what you're doing."\n\n"I do want to hold her," Leah says through her tears. She has forty-eight hours before she can legally surrender her baby to the adoptive parents, the people she will never know or hear from. She wants to have this chance with her child. \n\n[[Next.|Baby 1]]\n

Leah's mother stays by her side the entire time, from the paperwork all the way through. She even calls Megan, the caseworker, so Leah can try to get some rest.\n\nFor a long time, not much happens. They sit in the hospital room and watch cheesy action movies on television. Leah's contractions grow steadily worse, but she's still there for almost eight hours before the doctor comes in and announces that she's fully dilated.\n\n"You're lucky," her mom says, trying to lighten Leah's increasingly-nervous mood. "Sam took thirty-six hours and you took twenty."\n\n[[Next.|Labor 5]]\n

Six days after her due date, Leah is helping her mother with the dishes. She's been having low-grade contractions for two days, but her water still hasn't broken. She's frustrated, in pain, and exhausted.\n\nLeah suddenly feels a stronger contraction, and then a gush. There's no doubt about it. Her water has broken and she's in labor.\n\n"You still might have a while to go," her mother says. "We could take you to the hospital now, or you could rest here and we could wait until morning."\n\nLeah feels anxious enough that she wants to head over. "Let's go now."\n\n[[Next.|Labor 4]]\n

On her due date, Leah experiences her first contraction. She's actually a little excited. She knows that babies rarely come on the due date and pregnancy has been exhausting. \n\nShe's also scared, though. Over the past several months, she's tried to keep from getting too attached the baby because she knows that it's not hers to keep. She's afraid that once she gives birth, she won't be able to actually give the baby up. She doesn't want to disappoint the people waiting on a baby, and she know she can't raise the child herself. \n\nThe contractions, however, turn out to be Braxton-Hicks. Leah isn't in labor yet. She still has to wait.\n\n[[Next.|Labor 3]]\n

Leah remembers that Texas has a Safe Haven law. It pains her to think of giving up Emily, but if Leah is already struggling this much one month in, how is she going to handle the next eighteen years? Maybe her daughter deserves something better.\n\nAs she changes Emily's diaper, Leah gives thought to whether or not she could give her baby up, after all.\n\n[[Leah decides to surrender her child.|Safe Haven]]\n[[Leah decides to keep her child.|Talk with Mom]]

Leah decides not to put the issue off any longer. She goes to the bar early before her next shift to talk to her boss. As usual, he's doing bookkeeping in the back.\n\n"You're early," he says as she knocks on his door. "Something wrong?"\n\n"I...It's hard to explain. I'm pregnant. Fourteen weeks. It was, um, unexpected to say the least. And the father is, uh, he's not involved. I'm going to give the baby up for adoption. Anyway, I thought you should know. I want to keep working for as long as I can and come back to work as soon as I recover."\n\n[[Next.|Jim response]]

A nurse hands Leah her daughter, wrapped in a cotton blanket. Leah desperately wants to give her a name, but at the same time, doesn't. She might get even more attached than she already is. Maybe that's better for Anne and Derek to decide, anyway. \n\nLeah has just forty-eight hours to decide. After holding her daughter for just five minutes, she's not sure she's ever going to be willing to let her go.\n\n[[Next.|Final Decision 2]]

Leah and Sam have a quiet evening in. By dinnertime, Leah's appetite is starting to return so Sam orders them a pizza. They watch cheesy cable television and Leah manages a few laughs for the first time in weeks. \n\nAlthough the ibuprofen helps, Leah is still bleedy heavily and feels very drained. She knows she needs to get up very early to get home in time to get to work. However, she's not sure she's going to feel well enough to drive for four hours, much less be on her feet all night. \n\n[[Leah decides to call in.|Call Jim]]\n[[Leah decides to see how she feels tomorrow.|Morning]]\n\n

Sam jumps up as the nurse escorts Leah back into the waiting room. She escorts her sister into the car and helps her into the truck.\n\n"How do you feel?" she asks as they drive back the the apartment.\n\n"Awful. But relieved. It's over."\n\n"I'm sorry you had to deal with this. You're going to be okay, though."\n\n"I know."\n\n[[Next.|Recovery 3]]

Leah knows Jim probably won't appreciate being called during what's likely to be a busy point in the night, but she doesn't want to put this off. \n\n"Sorry, I have to make a call," she says, carefully lifing herself off the couch and heading toward the kitchen.\n\n"Who are you calling at this hour?"\n\n"I just...I just want to check in at home," Leah replies as she calls the bar. She feels guilty for lying, but she just doesn't want to talk about the work issue right now.\n\n"This is Jim." It's difficult to hear him over the background noise.\n\n"Jim, it's Leah. I...I know you need me there tomorrow, but stuff came up in Austin. I'm really sorry, but I won't be able to drive back until Saturday."\n\n"Leah, we discussed this. I need you to work tomorrow night."\n\n"I tried to make it work, Jim. I really did. But I can't make it back until Saturday."\n\n"Leah, I'm sorry about this. You've been a great employee. But if you don't make it in tomorrow night, don't come back."\n\n"Are you serious?"\n\n"Yes, Leah. Show up, or don't come back at all. I'm sorry, but that's the way it has to be." \n\nThe line goes dead. \n\nLeah knows that no matter how bad she feels, she's going to have to get up and drive the next day. She can't lose her job. Not now. \n\n[[Next.|Abortion Conclusion]]

One month after returning home from the hospital, Leah is struggling with the tasks of parenthood. Her daughter, Emily, is adorable, but already a handful. Leah can't remember the last time she had a full night's sleep. She realizes that her frustrations are common to all parents, though, so she tries not to complain too much. Besides, she loves her daughter. \n\nIn the middle of the week, a bill arrives from the hospital. It's the invoice for the amount due for the time spent in the hospital while in labor and recovering. Despite the fact that the labor didn't have any complications and Leah was only in the hospital a short time, Leah owes $1,765. And that's with their insurance. \n\nLeah drops her head in her hands, feeling completely overwhelmed. She's still collecting unemployment and barely has the energy to fill out her requisite job applications to remain eligible. Her savings are almost gone. She's struggling with the general financial strain of being a mother even with her parents' help. This hospital bill feels like an insurmountable obstacle. \n\n[[Next.|New life 2]]

Leah spends as much time as possible holding her daughter, all the while reminding herself that there's no way she can raise this child. She can't afford a baby. She's too young and not mature enough. She can't provide a better life. It's best if someone else raises her.\n\nBut when Megan comes in to the hospital to talk about the next steps of the adoption process, Leah holds her daughter a little tighter.\n\n[[Leah commits to adoption.|Open Adoption Final]]\n[[Leah decides to raise the baby.|Parent]]

"You know there are other options, Leah. I just want you to think about your future."\n\nLeah had been thinking about almost nothing else since the pregnancy test turned up positive. But her mother had a point. Sitting at the kitchen table with her mother, the whole situation seemed more serious. \n\nHer mother raised many of the same concerns Leah had already been worried about. How would she ever make it to college if she kept the baby? She was already living at home to save money, but the cost of having a baby would probably make that impossible. And, everyone would talk. The whole town would talk.\n\nLeah's mother claimed they didn't care about that last part, but Leah was sure they would. Her parents had lived there for almost 30 years and they knew everyone. People would talk and they would know exactly who they were talking about. Leah. The loser sister.\n\nBesides that, what kind of life would Leah be able to make for her child? Her parents would, of course, help her. But, they weren't exactly wealthy. Even if Leah did make it to college, she would have a much harder time finishing. What kind of career could she have as a single mother? \n\nLeah understood where her mother was coming from, and while she had thought about many of these issues, hearing her mother raise them made them seem even more serious. \n\n[[Leah realizes she doesn't want to keep the baby.|change mind]]\n[[Although Leah takes these concerns seriously, she still feels keeping the baby is the right decision.|sure birth]]

Megan goes slightly pale. "You were raped."\n\n"I...I just woke up in my truck, and I had bruises, and..." She can't finish. She just sobs.\n\nMegan hands her a box of tissues and waits.\n\n"Did you seek medical attention?"\n\n"No. I...I just wanted to forget."\n\n"And I assume you didn't report it to the authorities."\n\n"You don't understand. I couldn't."\n\n"I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrogate you. I'm just trying to get as much information as possible."\n\nLeah nods and takes a deep breath. "You're the first person I've told. And no, before you ask, I don't even want to try...I mean, it was almost three months ago. There's nothing to be done."\n\nMegan nods. "Have you sought counseling?"\n\n"I can't afford it."\n\n"I want you to look into that. That is one of the things adoptive parents are able to pay for, if a physician orders it. Speaking of which, have you had any prenatal care yet? Have you seen a doctor?\n\n[[Next.|Proceedings 3]]\n\n

Leah wants to cry again. She knows she needs to see a doctor, but there's so much else to deal with. Getting through the day is exhausting enough. \n\n"I'm sorry, I haven't. I don't mean to be a slacker."\n\n"You're not a slacker," Megan says. "You're overwhelmed. I can get you a referral. I know you don't have a lot of money, but you deserve good care. Don't worry, we can have it set up so that the adoptive parents agree to pay your medical costs."\n\nLeah and Megan discuss some more of the logistics and Leah signs some paperwork. She leaves with a referral for an obsetrician and a counselor. For the first time in a while, she feels hopeful.\n\n[[Next.|Second Trimester]]

"We'll have to tell your father," her mother said.\n\n"I know."\n\n"He won't be happy."\n\n"I know."\n\n"We just have always wanted better for you girls."\n\nLeah couldn't look at her mother anymore. She always felt she hadn't lived up to her parents' expectations, and the reminder that this was another way she was falling short stung, even if her mother hadn't meant it to. Her sister was off getting a master's degree, and now here was Leah, living at home, working part time, and now, pregnant.\n\n[[Continue|sure birth 2]]

Although it means disappointing people, Leah can't bring herself to give up her child, even to wonderful people like Anne and Derek. She just can't imagine losing the child she's felt moving and kicking. \n\n[[Continue.|Give birth]]

Leah is still nervous when she calls the agency the next morning. On the phone, she explains her situation and mentions that Pastor Mike gave her the name of the agency. She makes an appointment to visit the agency and discuss her options. \n\n[[Next.|Meeting]]

The doctor hands Leah a copy of a booklet called "A Woman's Right to Know," as well as the complementary resource directory. "You're expected to read over all of this information before you make a decision about your abortion," the doctor says. "We'll go over this together. Feel free to interrupt me with questions at any time."\n\nAfter reviewing the stages of gestation and looking at photos of fetal development, Leah's doctor starts to discuss the specifics of abortion. She describes the procedure, as well as the risks.\n\n"Are you sure you don't have any questions? You've been pretty quiet."\n\n"I'll still be able to have kids, right?" Leah asks. "I think I want them someday. Just not now. Not...not like this."\n\n"I understand," the doctor says. "Yes, you should be able to have children later. Now, sometimes serious complications arise that do result in infertility. With every procedure, there are risks. But severe complications are rare."\n\nLeah nods and listens as the doctor lists the emotional trauma that could follow an abortion. As the doctor discusses anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues, Leah can't help but wonder how that's any different from what she's been feeling the last two months. \n\n\n[[Next.|Counseling 2]]

As soon as they're gone, Leah completely breaks down. Her mother holds her close. \n\n"I know it's hard. I can only imagine what you're going through. But you're strong. You did the best thing for your baby. You can get through this."\n\nLeah's not so sure. She wants to get out of bed, run after Megan, and snatch the baby away. But she convinces herself that this was the right choice. \n\n[[Next.|Adoption Final 3]]

Three weeks later, Leah starts working some day shifts at the bar. Her strength hasn't fully returned yet, so the busy night shifts are too much. But she enjoys having somewhere to go in the afternoons and the slow pace doesn't overtax her. \n\nThere hasn't been a day when Leah hasn't thought about her baby. She wonders when she'll stop thinking about how many weeks old she is or whether she's happy and healthy. \n\nLeah knew it would be hard to give up her baby, but she didn't realize just how difficult it would be to keep the child out of her mind. Most days, she's certain that the baby is better off and that this was for the best. But sometimes, she's not sure.

Leah feels awkward walking up to the church. She smooths her skirt for the umpteenth time before pulling open the door to the side entrance. Susan, the secretary, is on the phone when Leah enters, but she smiles and waves. \n\nLeah stands uncomfortably in front of the desk. It feels like an eternity, but finally Susan ends the call before beaming up at Leah. She tries to make small talk, but Leah can't handle it, so she answers a couple questions about her family before asking if Pastor Mike might be available. \n\n"Oh, of course," Susan says, before bustling off to the back office to tell him Leah is there. \n\nA few minutes later, Leah finds herself sitting on a squeaking vinyl chair opposite Pastor Mike's enormous desk. Something about the place or maybe about Pastor Mike's gentle voice and look of concern makes Leah feel like the story of what's happened isn't something she can tell. She decides, instead, to cut to the chase.\n\n"Pastor Mike," Leah says, "I'm pregnant."\n\nPastor Mike doesn't react, so Leah continues.\n\n"I'm pregnant, and I don't know what to do. I'm really worried about what will happen. The whole thing is so messed up, and I'm scared."\n\nPastor Mike leans in a little and looks directly at Leah.\n\n"Leah," he says, "I am here, and the church is here, and the church community is here to support you and guide you, even and especially when things are difficult."\n\nThe sentiment is so soothing and Leah wants to believe it, but she has a hard time imagining anyone in the town turning a blind eye should she turn up pregnant. She is about to tell Pastor Mike this but he starts rifling through a drawer for something.\n\n"You know," he says, "There are a number of adoption agencies in the area. I've worked with some of them. Have you considered adoption?"\n\nLeah explains that she hadn't, and Pastor Mike finally finds what he has been rummaging for. It's a brochure for one of the agencies. \n\n"My wife's friend Linda works there," Mike says, passing the brochure across the desk, "I could get her number for you."\n\nLeah feels a bit put on the spot. Adoption is an option she has considered, but she doesn't want to commit to anything without thinking further. \n\n"That's ok, Pastor Mike," she says, "I think I'll just read the brochure and take some more time to think."\n\nPastor Mike smiles at her kindly and comes around the desk to see her out.\n\nWhile the conversation hasn't made up Leah's mind and she still feels uncomfortable, it was reassuring to talk to Pastor Mike. He didn't treat her like she had done anything wrong, and he seemed genuinely concerned about her. She has a lot to think about.\n\n[[Continue|Choice]]\n\n\n

Leah knew her mother was right. Keeping the baby would be incredibly difficult, and while she knew she probably wanted children eventually, this wasn't the life she would want for them -- or for herself.\n\nAs she continued talking to her mother, she weighed her options further. She could carry the baby to term and work with an adoption agency or she could terminate the pregnancy. \n\nShe liked the idea of giving a child to a family who wanted one, but the pregnancy would still be difficult. She wasn't sure she would be able to keep her job through it, and it would definitely delay any plans she had for the future. If she decided to terminate the pregnancy, she would be dipping into her savings significantly, but at least she had most of the money; she wouldn't have to rely on her parents. She would, however, have to go to a clinic out of town since there wasn't one in the area. It would mean days off work and either paying for a hotel in Fort Worth or Dallas, or driving down to Austin to stay with her sister. Austin would be the easier option.\n\n[[Leah decides on adoption.|adoption bridge]]\n[[Leah decides to terminate the pregnancy.|abortion bridge]]

"I don't want to tell Dad until tomorrow," Leah says. "I know I need to soon. But I need to talk to Jim first. I'm scared he's going to fire me or something. I want to make sure I have a job still before I say anything to Dad."\n\n"You know it would be illegal for Jim to fire you over being pregnant."\n\n"I also know that he has the right to fire me without cause. I know I wouldn't have the money to hire a lawyer to fight if he did."\n\nHer mother sighs. "I suppose you're right."\n\n"I'll talk to him tonight, Mom. Believe me, I want to get this sorted out soon."\n\n"I think Jim is a good guy. I don't think he'll fire you. But I am worried about him having to replace you after the baby is born. It will be a while before you're able to handle a busy night shift."\n\n"I don't even know how I'd handle childcare."\n\n"I said that no matter what you chose, we'd support you."\n\nAlthough Leah's mother still looks disappointed, she squeezes her daughter's hand and gives her a tiny smile. All Leah can think is that she has to figure out how to be self-sufficient. She can't expect her parents to babysit every Saturday night while she's at work.\n\n[[Continue|Jim 1]]

As soon as they're gone, Leah completely breaks down. Her mother holds her close. \n\n"I know it's hard. I can only imagine what you're going through. But you're strong. You did the best thing for your baby. You can get through this."\n\nLeah's not so sure. She wants to get out of bed, run after Anne, Derek, and Megan, and snatch the baby away. But she convinces herself that this was the right choice. \n\n[[Next.|Open Adoption Final 3]]

"You look pretty frazzled," Sam says as they drive back to the apartment. "Do you need to talk?"\n\n"There's just so much to think about."\n\n"Are you thinking about changing your mind?"\n\n"No. Well, maybe. I don't know. I'm worried that something really bad could happen."\n\n"Like what?"\n\n"The doctor mentioned that sometimes, there could be an infection or hemorrhagging, and in those cases, I might end up infertile. I don't want to have a baby now but I might want to in the future."\n\n"Leah, those are really extreme cases, and they're really rare, and you should not let that scare you. Do you really want to throw your whole future away based on a slight risk of infection?"\n\nTaking a deep breath, Leah says, "Let's not talk about this right now. I'm really tired and need to think." She knows her sister means well but sometimes Sam's take-charge attitude can be upsetting. \n\nSam heads out to class and Leah zones out in front of the television. When Sam returns, she offers to take Leah out to do some sightseeing, but she's not in the mood. She's wondering whether abortion is worth the risk--even if that risk is small. \n\n[[Next.|Waiting 2]]

A week into the second trimester, Leah feels more energetic than she has in a while. Her morning sickness is finally gone and her pregnancy is progressing as normal. The counselor she's been seeing has been helping her deal with her feelings surrounding the pregnancy and her confidence about her decision. She's had to shell out for bigger clothes, but thankfully the local thrift store has a decent enough selection. It's not especially fashionable, but Leah reminds herself that this is temporary. \n\nHowever, she knows she's going to have to tell her boss soon. Her work performance hasn't been affected much yet, but she's not going to be able to hide her pregnancy for much longer.\n\nLeah also considers quitting. She's afraid that Jim will fire her anyway; maybe she should spare herself the embarrassment. She won't be able to find another job easily, but maybe she should just rest until the baby is born. \n\n[[Leah decides to talk to her boss.|Talk to Jim]]