Jess goes home, but spends the day on her laptop trying to focus on work. She appreciates the distraction it gives her from the fact that the child she can feel fluttering inside her won't be there tomorrow. That this baby she and Richard wanted so badly is going to die. That they're going to lose their daughter. \n\nRichard comes home and they sit on the couch, holding each other. He offers to make her dinner, but Jess isn't very hungry. She feels a brief impulse to eat just so she can nourish her baby, when she's suddenly reminded again of what's about to happen. \n\n"I really don't know if I can do this," she tells Richard. "I know from a medical standpoint, it's the best decision. But maybe we could try some treatment, wait and see what happens."\n\n"You'd only have what, ten days?"\n\n"We could be referred to another clinic."\n\nRichard squeezes her hand. "I thought you didn't want another clinic. I thought you wanted to do this with your own doctor."\n\n[[Next|The night before 2]]

Four days before Jess is scheduled to leave for her hospital stay, she comes home from work to find a letter from the insurance company. After skimming it, she drops into her chair, puts her head in her hands, and sobs. \n\nRichard comes running in. "What's wrong?"\n\n"They're denying our claim for the surgery. They say that given the evidence presented by Dr. Jacobs and Dr. Brandt, the baby isn't going to survive and so this procedure isn't medically necessary."\n\n"So if we want this surgery..."\n\n"We have to pay for it out of pocket."\n\n"And that's, what, fifteen grand?"\n\nJess snorts and waves the letter toward him. "Try twenty-five."\n\nRichard sits down. "Shit."\n\nJess starts to tremble. "I don't want money to be the reason we give up on our baby."\n\n"I know, I know. But Jess, this could bankrupt us."\n\nA baby that probably won't live more than a few months. Risks to her own health. And now the potential of medical bankruptcy. Jess can't help but wonder if trying to keep this baby alive will destroy them.\n\nOn the other hand, she doesn't know how she can destroy the life inside of her.\n\n[[Jess will pursue surgery despite the cost.|Houston]]\n\n[[Jess will have an abortion.|Late abortion bridge]]

Jess and Richard check into a hotel near the hospital. At first, Jess is so angry that she barely even registers what's going to happen the next day. \n\nShe sits down with her work laptop and tries to answer some emails and catch up on things. She sends a message to her bos saying she needs to visit the hospital for two more days, feeling grateful for the generous sick leave package she has.\n\nRichard puts the TV on for background noise and sits down with his own project. Everything is fine until a commercial for diapers comes on. Babies laughing and crawling, parents starting at their child in wonder. It doesn't matter that this is a commercial. Jess bursts into tears anyway.\n\nEven though Richard shuts the TV off, it's too late. Jess is a wreck.\n\n"I never wanted it to turn out this way."\n\n"You can still change your mind if you want to," Richard says. "I know you were wavering back at the office."\n\nJess shakes her head. "No. I can't put our baby through a life full of pain and surgery. She needs to be set free. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it."\n\n[[Next|Houston abortion]]

When Jess finally emerges from her fog, she sees Richard sitting next to her, looking pale.\n\n"Are you okay?" she asks.\n\n"I should be the one asking you that question," he says, then places a soft kiss on her forehead.\n\n"I wanted to see her."\n\nDr. Jacobs steps in. "There wasn't much to see. And with the extent of the abnormalities... Jess, it wouldn't have looked like the baby you wanted to see."\n\nJess fights back tears. Part of her is furious. Part of her also knows that Dr. Jacobs has a point. \n\n"I want to go home," she chokes out. She can't bring herself to look her doctor in the eye. \n\n[[Next|A few weeks later]]

Jess and Richard both spend the night tossing and turning. Despite her heavy heart, Jess calls the doctor's office as soon as it opens for business hours on Monday morning. She's put through the automated menu and hold queue first; never has the robotic voice been so annoying or the hold music so grating. Finally, though, she gets paged through to the doctor.\n\n"Dr. Jacobs, we've... We've made a decision," Jess says as her voice breaks. "We've decided to... To terminate."\n\n"I know how difficult this is for you," Dr. Jacobs says. "And I know you're probably still feeling conflicted about it. But I think this is the best possible decision, given the conditions of your pregnancy. I'd like to get you in tomorrow afternoon to begin the procedure. It will take two days. You'll stop in tomorrow to begin, and then on Wednesday morning the surgery will take place. Is that possible?"\n\n"Tomorrow afternoon?"\n\nDr. Jacobs pauses. "Are you having second thoughts?"\n\n"No... Maybe... I don't know."\n\n"I know it seems like I'm rushing things. But you'll be at 20 weeks in just a few days, and I can't perform the procedure after that point."\n\n[[Next|Doctor 2]]\n\n

Jess and Richard spend a quiet night in, watching TV and cuddling. But Jess can't get lost in the movie they have on. She's still fighting with herself. \n\nShe's felt this child growing inside of her for weeks now. It's part of her. And while doctors and statistics and even her own husband are saying that trying to carry the baby to term will only end in grief, Jess still can't bring herself to be okay with terminating the pregnancy.\n\nBut even if her daughter is born alive, Jess also can't comprehend having to handle surgeries, transplants, dialysis. She isn't sure she can handle watching her newborn child die. \n\nTime is of the essence, though. By the time the credits on the movie start rolling, Jess is ready to make a decision.\n\n[[Jess will have an abortion.|Doctor]]\n[[Jess will continue with the pregnancy.|Talk to Richard]]

When Jess finally emerges from her fog, she sees Richard sitting next to her, looking pale.\n\n"Are you okay?" she asks.\n\n"I should be the one asking you that question," he says, then places a soft kiss on her forehead.\n\n"I wanted to see her."\n\nDr. Brandt steps in. "There wasn't much to see. And with the extent of the abnormalities... Jess, it wouldn't have looked like the baby you wanted to see."\n\nJess fights back tears. Part of her is furious. Part of her also knows that Dr. Brant has a point. \n\n"I want to go home," she chokes out. She can't bring herself to look anyone in the eye. \n\n[[Next|A few weeks later]]\n

Jess spends the next few days feeling like she's in limbo. She can't bring herself to have the abortion. She also can't handle the fact that her daughter probably won't survive pregnancy, much less the first few months of life. \n\nWork doesn't sustain her. Even her most challenging, interesting project can't distract her from the tension in her mind and the pain in her heart. \n\nTo make things worse, Richard suddenly seems distant. It feels like the constant stress and pain is pushing them apart. Jess fears that their marriage isn't strong enough to overcome whatever the future holds. But she's already probably going to lose her baby. She can't imagine losing her husband, too.\n\n[[Next|Miscarriage Bridge 2]]

"Let's just get on the road. I'd rather see the specialists."\n\nThey hurry into the car and hit the road. For the first hour, everything is fine. But not long after that, Jess starts feeling sick. Just outside of Victoria, she feels a surging cramp through her abdomen, and she doubles over.\n\n"Something is wrong," she gasps. "Something is very wrong."\n\n"Do we need to pull over?"\n\n"I think we need to get to a hospital. I don't think I can wait to get to Houston."\n\nRichard pulls over long enough to program the GPS to take them to the nearest hospital. They still need to drive through almost all of Victoria to get there. Jess doesn't have any other cramps, but the one was bad enough. \n\n[[Next|Victoria Hospital]]

Jess spends the next two days absorbed in research. On the one hand, she's disheartened--the few prenatal interventions available are risky. But she's also encouraged to find a hospital in Houston that specializes in fetal abnormalities. Maybe Dr. Jacobs could give her a referral. It might not be easy, especially with the geographical distance, but she thinks they could make it work. \n\n[[Next|Argument]]

Jess starts to sob. "I feel like every decision I have to make is the wrong one. I feel like there's no right answer."\n\nRichard pulls her in even tighter. "No. There is no right answer. No matter what you decide, this won't be easy. But this is the hand we've been dealt."\n\n"What do you want to do?"\n\n"I think we should go in for the surgery tomorrow as planned. But if you change your mind, if you want to try and see this through, you know I'll be right by your side."\n\n[[Jess decides to proceed with the abortion.|Abortion]]\n[[Jess decides to wait.|Wait]]

Jess squeezes her husband's hand and tries to hold back tears. She doesn't want to cry in front of the doctor. She and Richard had wanted this baby for so long. They'd been so careful, waiting until after the first trimester before telling everyone. Jess had been diligent about her prenatal care, about getting gentle exercise, about eating well. \n\nAnd now it's all falling apart. \n\nWhat had started as a completely healthy pregnancy is now, at 19 weeks, in danger.\n\n[[Next|Bad News 2]]

Jess can't bring herself to cry when the ultrasound confirms that their daughter has died. \n\n"I'm so sorry," the doctor says. "I know you wanted to do everything you could to save your baby. But..."\n\n"We know," Richard mutters. "Dr. Jacobs always warned us that this might happen."\n\n"We'd like to induce labor now," the on-call doctor says. "You could wait until your body goes into labor naturally, but given the complications you've already encountered, I think it would be the safest choice."\n\nJess nods. "Sure, okay." \n\nShe's too tired to argue. She doesn't care. She just wants this to be over.\n\n[[Next|Labor]]

"You're not going to lose me, Richard," Jess says. \n\n"Have you forgotten the part where Dr. Jacobs outlined the risks that you could face if we go through with this?"\n\nJess rubs her temples. "No, but... But I'm already willing to risk my life for this baby. It hurts me that you're not. It makes me feel like you don't think this child is worth it."\n\n"I'm already sad enough about what we're facing," he says. "Maybe I'm being selfish. But I don't want to risk losing you. We could... We could try for another baby. But I can't... there's no other you, Jess."\n\nJess wonders how she'd feel if Richard were the one facing life-threatening complications. Would she have the same opinion? But when the baby kicks, she feels heartsick yet again at the thought of giving up.\n\n[[Jess will pursue medical treatment.|Referral]]\n\n[[Jess decides to have an abortion.|Doctor]]

Jess can't bring herself to cry when the ultrasound confirms that their daughter has died. \n\n"I'm so sorry," the doctor says. "I know you wanted to do everything you could to save your baby. But..."\n\n"We know," Richard mutters. "Our doctors always warned us that this might happen."\n\n"Your body is already showing signs of preterm labor," the doctor says. "I know you'd probably want to be with your regular doctor, but given the complications you've already encountered, I'm going recommend we admit you immediately and you deliver here."\n\nJess nods. "Sure, okay." \n\nShe's too tired to argue. She doesn't care. She just wants this to be over.\n\n[[Next|Labor]]

Jess spends the next few days feeling like she's in limbo. They're not pursuing treatment in Houston, but she can't terminate the pregnancy, either. It's all up to nature now.\n\nWork doesn't sustain her. Even her most challenging, interesting project can't distract her from the tension in her mind and the pain in her heart. \n\nTo make things worse, she's starting to feel disconnected from her marriage. It feels like the constant stress and pain is pushing them apart. Jess fears that their marriage isn't strong enough to overcome whatever the future holds. But she's already probably going to lose her baby. She can't imagine losing her husband, too. \n\n[[Next|Limbo 2]]

That Friday, as Jess nears the end of the workday, she realizes she hasn't felt the baby move at all. If this was a normal pregnancy, she might not worry. But nothing about this experience has been normal.\n\nWhen she gets home from work, Richard is already there, napping on the couch. She's torn as to whether or not to wake him. Jess realizes she needs to see a doctor soon, but Richard has been so drained and he needs some rest.\n\nFortunately, she's not in the house long before he wakes up.\n\n"What's wrong?" he asks.\n\n"How can you tell something is wrong?"\n\n"Jess, it's all over your face."\n\n"I haven't felt the baby move all day."\n\nRichard pales slightly. "We should go to the ER, I guess?"\n\nJess nods. "Dr. Jacobs's office is closed at this point."\n\nHe grabs the keys. "Let's go."\n\n[[Next|ER Bridge]]

The next morning, Jess and Richard sit in the car before the surgery. Jess doesn't want to move. Doesn't want to go in. Doesn't want to follow through.\n\n"Do you think we're making the right decision?" Jess whispers.\n\nRichard nods, a tear falling from his eye. "I do. This is killing me. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. But even if she lived through the birth..."\n\n"She wouldn't have a very happy life, would she?"\n\n"Doesn't seem like it."\n\nAs much as Jess doesn't want to leave the car and lose her baby, she knows that a brief life filled with hospitals and surgeries isn't what she wants for her daughter. Taking a deep breath, she steps out of the car.\n\n[[Next|Houston abortion 3]]

Although the last thing Jess wants to do is go into the office, she feels like she has to be there. She doesn't want to get too behind, especially since Dr. Jacobs has already advised her to take a few days off after the procedure.\n\nAfter taking a few minutes to get herself situated, she goes straight to see her boss.\n\n"Jess, are you okay?" one of the young interns says as she walks in the door.\n\n"Now isn't a good time," is all Jess can muster before knocking on her boss's door. \n\n[[Next|Talk to boss]]\n\n

"I need more time," Jess says. "I'm sorry, I just can't go through with this so quickly. Look, just give me the referral for the New Mexico clinic. I can't do this today. I need... More time to be sure."\n\n[[Next|Miscarrige Bridge 2]]

When Jess finally emerges from her fog, she sees Richard sitting next to her, looking pale.\n\n"Are you okay?" she asks.\n\n"I should be the one asking you that question," he says, then places a soft kiss on her forehead.\n\n"I wanted to see her."\n\nThe doctor steps in. "There wasn't much to see. And with the extent of the abnormalities... Jess, it wouldn't have looked like the baby you wanted to see."\n\nJess fights back tears. Part of her is furious. Part of her also knows that the doctor has a point. \n\n"I want to go home," she chokes out. She can't bring herself to look anyone in the eye. \n\n[[Next|New Mexico Recovery 2]]

One night, Jess wakes up to find that Richard isn't beside her. She feels terrified for a moment, but then she thinks she hears the sound of the television downstairs.\n\nShe creeps into the living room to find Richard in front of the television. But she can tell he's not really watching.\n\n"I can't keep this up," Richard says, looking up at her. "We're both falling apart."\n\nJess sits down next to him and shuts off the television, curling up next to him in the dark. "I know. But I'm not sure how to move forward."\n\n"I found a support group," he says. "For... For people who went through what we went through. They meet at the Unitarian church on Tuesdays. Will you go with me?"\n\n"Of course," she says. Jess is nervous about the thought of having to share their story with strangers. But she has been feeling isolated. Maybe talking to someone will help. \n\n[[Next|Support Group 2]]

One year later, Jess holds Richard's hand as they stare at the ultrasound screen at their son.\n\n"He's perfectly healthy," Dr. Jacobs says. "He's doing great."\n\n"I'm still so scared," Jess says. "There's so much that could happen in the next twenty weeks."\n\n"Don't think about it that way. Your last pregnancy isn't indicative of what's going to happen in this one. You're already farther along without any problems. Just try and relax. It's better for you and it's better for the baby."\n\nJess takes a deep breath. It's hard not to think of the daughter she lost every time she feels her son kick. But she and Richard are moving on. Their son won't make up for the daughter they couldn't keep. But maybe this time they can have a happy ending.

Richard slaps his palm down on the table and then immediately turns away. Jess can see his back convulsing, but doesn't know what to say.\n\nWhen Richard turns back to face her, his eyes are wet and his face is red. \n\n"Jess, I wanted this baby just as much as you did. And the thought of losing it breaks my heart. But you know what breaks my heart even more? The thought of managing to carry to term and then losing it just after it's born. Or watch our baby suffer through organ transplants or dialysis. Of having it be born and then slowly watching it die."\n\nHe sits down at the kitchen table and takes her hand.\n\n"I know I can't force your decision. It just seems like the... Like the abortion would be the right choice. The baby suffers less if we make this decision."\n\n[[Next|Decision]]

Inside, Richard tries to convince Jess to eat some dinner to keep her strength up. But the emotional trauma combined with the physical discomfort leave her devoid of an appetite. She settles on a glass of orange juice. \n\nJess can't help but be conflicted. She's always been pro-choice, but abortion was never something she considered an option for herself. Even if her first child had come along unexpectedly, at an inconvenient time, she would have kept it. She always knew she was destined to be a mother.\n\n"I know what you're thinking," Richard says. "But it's not your fault, Jess. You heard Dr. Jacobs. This is a very rare condition and all the care you took could not have prevented it. I know you want to blame yourself. But please, try not to."\n\n"I don't want to lose this baby. God, Richard, what if this is our only chance?"\n\n[[Next|Home 3]]

After working out a plan with Dr. Brandt, Jess and Richard return home and begin to make plans. There's so much to do. Jess will need to take nearly a week off work for a hospital stay. She can't use her maternity leave until the baby is born, though. She's just thankful that she has such a generous vacation package. She'll burn through a chunk of it for this procedure, but at least she has that paid time off to fall back on. \n\nRichard, however, is not so lucky. "My manager won't approve me off for the whole week you'll need to be in Houston."\n\n"Why not?"\n\n"The big quarterly meeting is that week. All hands on deck. I could drive you down to the hospital on Sunday, but I'd have to go straight back home."\n\n"But what about, like, FMLA or something? This isn't fair!"\n\nRichard shakes his head. "I know this isn't fair. But I haven't been at the company long enough to qualify for family leave. I've only been there 11 months. It has to be a full year."\n\n"Damn it!" \n\nIt's bad enough they're in this situation. The last thing Jess wants to do is spend a week in the hospital alone.\n\nRichard pulls her into a hug. "It'll be okay. I'll call you every night.\n\nJess sighs. This isn't ideal, but it could be worse. \n\n[[Next|Insurance problem]]

The physical recovery is tough: cramps, heavy bleeding, antibiotics that make her feel sick. But the emotional recovery is so much more difficult. \n\nJess returns to work, throws herself into projects, but nothing seems to take her mind off the grief she is feeling, the questions that linger in her mind. Was this really the most humane choice? Was there really so little chance for their daughter to have a good life? \n\nEven worse, Jess feels like she and Richard are growing apart. He's just as consumed by grief as she is, and they seem to be withdrawing into themselves, pushing each other away. It seems like this decision has caused the destruction of everything she loves.\n\n[[Next|Support Group]]

On Sunday morning, as they're getting ready to drive to Houston, Jess becomes aware of the fact that she hasn't felt the baby move in 24 hours. \n\n"What do you think we should do?" she asks Richard. \n\n"It's a three-hour drive to Houston. Do you think it's safe to wait? I mean, they're specialists after all. Or do you think we should head to the ER?"\n\n[[Jess decides to go to the local ER.|ER]]\n\n[[Jess decides to head to Houston as planned.|Houston 2]]

"There's really, really nothing you can do?" Jess asks. She feels a little stupid asking yet again, but she just needs to be sure. "I mean, aren't there specialists who deal with this sort of thing?"\n\n"There are specialists," Dr. Jacobs says. "I will be honest, though. Given the severity of the kidney damage your baby already has, prenatal interventions are probably not going to be a viable option."\n\n"So what? We should... We should..." Richard can barely choke out the words. "We should terminate?"\n\n"I realize it's a complicated decision," Dr. Jacobs says. "But it's one that you should consider."\n\n"I can't... I can't..." Jess starts to sob.\n\n"I know it's tough. But please understand that time is of the essence here. Take the weekend, think things over, then call me first thing on Monday morning."\n\n[[Next|Home]]

The next afternoon, Jess stops by the doctor's office to get the medication she needs to dialate her cervix. Immediately upon taking it, Jess feels sick, but she's sure it's probably psychological. \n\nThe nurse pats Jess's hand. "Just try to relax tonight," she says. "I know how hard this is." \n\nJess wants to say, "I don't think you do," but instead she decides to swallow her grief.\n\n[[Next|Houston abortion 2]] \n

Jess is given a general anesthetic, though it doesn't put her out completely. She zones out, but is aware of the nurse also administering a local anesthetic. \n\nDr. Brandt comes in and gives Jess a supportive nod. Jess wishes he would say something comforting, but he seems all-business today. The general anesthetic seems to be working better, though. Jess feels sleepier and begins to zone out. \n\nShe hears Dr. Brandt talking to the nurse and asking for some equipment. Although she can't feel anything below the waist, she can't ignore what's happening, can't check out completely. \n\nJess isn't sure how long the surgery lasts. Time isn't working the way it should. But eventually, Dr. Brandt stands up and a nurse wheels a cart out of the room.\n\n"Can I see her?" Jess manages to ask despite her grogginess. \n\n"Let's get you into recovery," Dr. Brandt says.\n\n[[Next|Houston recovery]]

Jess is given a general anesthetic, though it doesn't put her out completely. She zones out, but is aware of the nurse also administering a local anesthetic. \n\nThe doctor comes in. She's cordial and supportive, but Jess still finds herself wishing for someone familiar. The general anesthetic seems to be working better now, though. Jess feels sleepier and begins to zone out. \n\nShe hears the doctor talking, asking the nurse for some equipment. Although she can't feel anything below the waist, she can't ignore what's happening, can't check out completely. \n\nJess isn't sure how long the surgery lasts. Time isn't working the way it should. But eventually, the doctor stands up and a nurse wheels a cart out of the room.\n\n"Can I see her?" Jess manages to ask despite her grogginess. \n\n"Let's get you into recovery," the doctor says.\n\n[[Next|New Mexico Recovery]]

The clinic in New Mexico isn't so bad. The nurses and doctors are all friendly and supportive. The space is about as welcoming and calming as it could be. But Jess can't help but feel her sadness increasing the longer she's there. She's not just losing her baby. She's losing it out of state, in a strange clinic with doctors she doesn't know. \n\nAfter being given medication to dialate her cervix, Jess gets in the rental car and Richard drives them to the hotel. As soon as they get set up in the room, Jess falls asleep and doesn't wake up until it's dark. Even then, she doesn't have any energy. She feels too drained to do anything.\n\n[[Next|New Mexico 3]]

Jess stops by the doctor's office to get the medication she needs to dialate her cervix. Immediately upon taking it, Jess feels sick, but she's sure it's probably psychological. \n\nThe nurse pats Jess's hand. "Just try to relax tonight," she says. "I know how hard this is." \n\nJess wants to say, "I don't think you do," but instead she decides to swallow her grief and let it out at home. \n\n[[Next|Abortion 2]]

As they pull up in front of the emergency room, Jess feels another cramp. Richard helps her out of the car and lets her lean on him as he walks in. \n\nSuddenly, nausea hits Jess hard. She slouches into a seat in the waiting room, trying not to vomit. Richard heads over to the reception desk.\n\n"My wife is 20 weeks pregnant. There are severe fetal abnormalities. We're supposed to be arriving in Houston at noon for an in-patient stay at the specialty center, but something is wrong. We can't make it all the way there."\n\nA nurse comes over while Richard fills out paperwork and asks them some questions. \n\n"We'll get a call through to Dr. Brandt as soon as we get you set up in a room," the nurse says. "Don't worry, you're in good hands."\n\nBut Jess can't bring herself to feel optimistic anymore.\n\n[[Next|Victoria Hospital 2]]

Jess and Richard both take off work a few days later to drive to Houston for their initial consultation. Jess is starting to worry more about how they'll be able to make appointments mesh with their work schedules, but she tries to remind herself that there's no point in worrying until a doctor actually tells her what treatment is going to require.\n\nAt the hospital, Jess allows herself to feel some comfort. These doctors and nurses seem to have things under control. She has blood drawn, fills out paperwork, answers questions. She begins to hope that maybe they can help her.\n\nWhen they have the ultrasound, however, the technician and doctor are both quiet. Jess can't get a read on them. Their silence makes her anxious, and seeing her daughter on the screen, sick and possibly dying, makes her tear up. \n\n"Okay, I've gotten everything I need," Dr. Brandt says. "We'll discuss things in my office. Nurse Williams will show you in when you're ready."\n\nJess can't help but feel fear. If the results were better, wouldn't he have talked to them on the spot?\n\n[[Next|Diagnosis]]

Jess can barely get the words out when she explains her phone call to Richard that night. \n\n"New Mexico. You're serious. Damn it. There's an exception for a reason, damn it!"\n\nJess shrugs, tears starting to form. "I just can't believe it."\n\n"So we're going to wait it out?"\n\nJess swallows hard. "Yeah. We're going to wait it out."\n\nRichard pulls her in close. "We'll get through this. I love you."\n\n"I love you, too."\n\n[[Next|Limbo]]

Jess grips the countertop. Even though she knows this is the best possible outcome, she was hoping for some wiggle room, just in case.\n\n"There's not even an exception for, you know, what I'm going through?"\n\nDr. Jacobs sighs. "Technically yes, but, well, our board is concerned with running up against lawsuits and other legal issues, so the doctors here can't do that. If you want to wait, I'd have to try to make a referral elsewhere." \n\nJess swallows the lump in her throat and takes a deep breath. She thought there might be a little more wiggle room. But she doesn't want to be referred out to some stranger. Not that she wants an abortion at all, but she'd rather be with the doctor she trusts.\n\n"Yes," she says. "Tomorrow is fine." \n\n[[Next|Jess at work]]

Jess struggles to control her tears as the doctor leaves.\n\n"So you don't want to try?" she chokes out, pulling her hand from his.\n\n"Jess, we just had one of the best specialists in the state reiterate what Dr. Jacobs told us. Do you really want to go through all this and have child spend its brief life hooked up to machines and having surgery? Do you want to put your own health at risk?"\n\n"It's our baby. Even if we have another and it's healthy, it won't replace this child."\n\n"No, it won't. Nothing will. I know that. But I would rather let this baby go now."\n\n"I'm not ready."\n\n"Jess, think about it. You have a DNR. You don't want to spend your last days hooked up to machines, potentially in horrible pain. Why would you want that for our child?"\n\nJess knows Richard has a point, but she also doesn't feel right just giving up on her baby. The child they wanted for so long, the child she still wants in spite of how sick the baby is. But she knows she needs to decide.\n\n[[Jess decides to have an abortion.|Abortion Bridge]]\n[[Jess decides to pursue treatment.|Treatment Begins]]

"I'm glad that you came to consult for a second opinion," Dr. Brandt says. "You want to be absolutely sure you're making the best possible decision. However, many of the patients that come here are hoping for a miracle. They're hoping that because of our specialists, we'll be able to do what their other doctors couldn't."\n\n"Are you saying there's no hope for us?" Richard asks as he squeezes Jess's hand.\n\n"I'm saying that my assessment is consistent with the one Dr. Jacobs gave you. I know how much your baby already means to you. So I am willing to take you on as patients, and I will do everything I can to help you bring your child into the world. But I don't want to give you false expectations."\n\n"What are you saying?" Jess whispers.\n\n"I'm saying that even our treatments don't guarantee a live birth, and if they do, your child is going to be on dialysis and a transplant list from the get-go. But I don't see her living long enough to even get a transplant."\n\n"But you'll help us if we want to?"\n\n"Jess," Richard says. He turns to the doctor. "Can you give us a few minutes?"\n\n[[Next|Treatment Decision]]

The counseling process is infuriating. So is the handbook Jess has to read. The doctor tells her things she already knows. The stages of pregnancy, the risks involved with abortion. The other options.\n\nAt one point, she can't control her temper. "Why would I be sitting in a specialist's office preparing to terminate a wanted, planned pregnancy if I didn't know what was at stake?"\n\nRichard wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her in tight.\n\nDr. Brandt offers a sympathetic look. "These laws weren't set up for people in your circumstances. I'm sorry. But we have to follow the law, or risk..."\n\n"I know, I know. Let's just finish this."\n\n[[Next|Hotel]]

Jess spends her lunch hour pacing around the office, waiting for Dr. Brandt to return her call, and then continues to fidget as the hour draws to a close and she has to return to her work. He doesn't get back to her until after two. \n\n"Jess, what can I do for you?"\n\n"Dr. Brandt, I know you and your team have put a lot of effort into this treatment plan, and getting everything ready, and Richard and I are so grateful for that. But... god, this is so hard. But we talked last night and we decided that terminating the pregnancy is the best option."\n\n"I understand and I don't blame you. Don't get me wrong, I understand the impulse to try to continue the pregnancy. But from a medical standpoint, I think you're making the right decision."\n\nJess takes a deep breath. "So what's the next step? I, um, I already talked to my primary physician, and they can't perform the procedure at this point."\n\n"I'm sorry, Jess. We can't, either."\n\n"But there's a medical exemption."\n\n"The law is written as such that it's too risky for us, legally, to try. I can refer you to a clinic in New Mexico."\n\n"New Mexico?"\n\n"I'm sorry. It's the best I can do."\n\n"My options are to travel to New Mexico or to just wait and see what happens?"\n\nDr. Brandt sighs. "Please try to understand."\n\nJess wants to slam the phone down. But she takes a deep breath and weighs her options.\n\n[[Jess takes the referral in New Mexico.|New Mexico]]\n\n[[Jess decides to wait it out.|Wait it out]]

Jess clutches Richard's hand as they sit around the circle at the support group. \n\n"Richard and I were so excited to have our first child," she tells the group. "But the doctor found..." she breaks off, struggling to retell the story. It's been hard enough having to explain things to family and friends and coworkers. It doesn't get easier.\n\n"It felt like an impossible decision," Richard cuts in. "But a live birth was almost impossible, and even if our daughter had survived, the doctors didn't think she would last very long. It just wasn't meant to be."\n\n"I feel horrible, though," Jess says. "Maybe it was the best choice. Maybe it was the most humane choice for our baby. But I still worry that I gave up too easily, that I made the wrong decision. And even though our friends and family have been kind, I still feel so alone." \n\nJess hates that she's crying. She feels like she's cried every day for months. \n\nBut as the evening goes on, Jess finds not just acceptance and care, but empathy. Her parents understood, but they'd never been in this situation. Neither had her friends. Only her boss, and Meg didn't really care to open up about it. But here, tonight, people really understand what she's going through.\n\n[[Next|One year later]]

Dr. Jacobs is supportive of Jess's referral request, though she doesn't attempt to conceal the tough reality of the situation.\n\n"These doctors are the best in the state. But you need to know that even with the best treatment available, nothing is guaranteed."\n\n"I know," Jess says, feeling annoyed. As though she hasn't heard the dismal prognosis enough. As though constantly reminding her is going to do any good. \n\nAt least she has her referral. Maybe now she'll have some hope.\n\n[[Next|Initial Appointment]]

"Are you sure there's nothing you can do?" Jess asks as her voice shakes. She's wanted a child for so long. The doctor has to be able to do something. \n\nBut to her horror, the doctor just shakes his head. "Not in utero. If the baby isn't stillborn, the damage to her lungs and kidneys will already be extensive."\n\n"How extensive?" Richard asks, clutching Jess's hand. \n\n"It's difficult to say for sure at this point, but you're looking at a high likelihood of your daughter needing mechanical ventilation. In terms of kidney damage, you'll have to be prepared for the possibility of dialysis and a kidney transplant."\n\n"Would..." Jess hesistates, barely able to answer the question. "Would she even survive a transplant, if she needed one? If we could find a donor?"\n\n"I wish I could give you an unqualified yes," the doctor says, "but..."\n\n"And that's if she isn't stillborn," Richard mumbles, bitterness filling his voice. \n\n[[Next|Bad news 3]]

"Let's go to the ER. I don't want to wait."\n\nThey load up the car and Richard speeds to the emergency room. They arrive in record time.\n\nJess rushes to the admission desk when they walk through the sliding doors. Thankfully, the room is almost completely empty this morning.\n\n"I think I might be having a miscarriage," Jess tells the nurse. "I'm 20 weeks along, but with complications. I'm being treated by Dr. Jacobs in the obstetrics department and I haven't felt the baby move in 24 hours."\n\nThe nurse hands Richard a stack of paperwork and then Jess is rushed off to an ultrasound. Richard whispers encouraging words to her as they hurry through the halls, but Jess can't bring herself to feel optimistic anymore.\n\n[[Next|ER 2]]

Jess stays in the hospital for a few days for observation. Richard wanted to stay by her side the entire time and take the consequences at work. But Jess encouraged him to go.\n\n"I don't want you to get fired over this."\n\n"If I did, we could fight it. Get a lawyer."\n\n"I'm tired, Richard. I don't want to fight. Just go. I'll be fine. I think I could use the alone time."\n\nJess spends Monday morning flipping through television channels. She's not interested in anything that's on, but not particularly interested in doing anything else, either. \n\nJust past noon, there's a knock on the door. Her boss, Meg, walks in.\n\n"Richard called," she says, sitting by the bed. "How are you holding up?"\n\n"Not that great, honestly."\n\n"I can imagine. I don't... When I was in your situation..." Meg starts to tear up, and she averts her eyes. "Sorry. I still hate talking about it."\n\n"How long ago?"\n\n"Three years."\n\n"Right before I joined your team."\n\n"Yeah."\n\n"How did you deal? I can't imagine getting over this."\n\nMeg nods. "Support group. Family. One day at a time. It will happen. It will take time, but it will happen."\n\n[[Next|Moving On 2]]

"I don't want money to be the reason we give up on our baby," Jess says. "I don't want to look back on this and be haunted by the fact that we did this all because of money."\n\nRichard swallows hard. "Okay. We'll make it work. We'll figure it out."\n\n"My parents might be able to help out."\n\nHe nods. "Mine too. It's their grandchild, after all."\n\nThey lapse into an uncomfortable silence. \n\n"Well, I should probably go pack," Jess says, and hurries out of the kitchen. \n\nShe feels like she's making the right choice, but she also worries that Richard doesn't seem to be completely on board. She doesn't know if she can do this without his support.\n\n[[Next|Miscarriage]]

Jess turns to Richard as he turns off the TV.\n\n"I know you might think I'm crazy," she says. "I know this is a risk you don't want me to take. But I can't have an abortion. I just can't."\n\nRichard goes pale, swallows hard, and takes her hand.\n\n"Please, please reconsider."\n\n"I don't want to lose my baby."\n\n"If the doctor is right, we're going to lose her no matter what."\n\n"I just can't do it. Not this way."\n\n"You can change your mind at any point, you know."\n\n"I know."\n\n"I love you."\n\n"I love you, too."\n\n[[Next|Research]]

When Dr. Brandt returns, Jess takes a deep breath.\n\n"Richard and I appreciate all the tests you've run so far. We appreciate your diagnosis. But I think, given the severity of the situation, that it would be best to terminate the pregnancy," she says.\n\nDr. Brandt nods slowly. "I understand and I think that's the best possible decision you could make. I know it isn't easy."\n\n"So I guess we'll go back home, and--"\n\n"Pardon me for interrupting, but home?" Dr. Brandt looks down at the chart on his desk. "Jess, you'll be twenty weeks in just three days."\n\n"You don't think they'll be able to get me in before then?"\n\nDr. Brandt shakes his head. "You can try, but given the twenty-four-hour waiting period--"\n\n"Wait, wait, wait," Richard snaps. "You're telling me that even in a medical scenario such as this one, we still have to go through all that bureaucratic crap?"\n\n"I'm sorry, but yes."\n\n"That isn't fair!"\n\nJess squeezes her eyes shut. "Richard, we have no choice. Let's just deal with it."\n\n"You've already had an ultrasound today. I can do the counseling with you, and then can get you in tomorrow afternoon. You'll need to stay the night here. Actually two nights, because the procedure will take two days."\n\n"But what other choice do we have?" Jess says with a sigh.\n\n[[Next|Counseling]]

That Friday, as Jess nears the end of the workday, she realizes she hasn't felt the baby move at all. If this was a normal pregnancy, she might not worry. But nothing about this experience has been normal.\n\nWhen she gets home from work, Richard is already there, napping on the couch. She's torn as to whether or not to wake him. Jess realizes she needs to see a doctor soon, but Richard has been so drained and he needs some rest.\n\nFortunately, she's not in the house long before he wakes up.\n\n"What's wrong?" he asks.\n\n"How can you tell something is wrong?"\n\n"Jess, it's all over your face."\n\n"I... I haven't felt the baby move all day."\n\nRichard pales slightly. "We should... go to the ER, I guess?"\n\nJess nods. "Dr. Jacobs's office is closed at this point."\n\nHe grabs the keys. "Let's go."\n\n[[Next|ER Bridge]]

A few weeks after Jess returns home, she and Richard hold a small memorial at home for their daughter. Being surrounded by family and close friends is cathartic and helpful. \n\nAt Meg's urging, Jess joins a support group. At first, it's tough to share her story with strangers. But the sense of community and empathy outweighs her anxiety, and she begins to see her support group members as friends, not just as fellow survivors. \n\n[[Next|One year later]]

They load up the car and Richard speeds to the emergency room. They arrive in record time.\n\nJess rushes to the admission desk when they walk through the sliding doors. Thankfully, the room is almost completely empty this morning.\n\n"I think I might be having a miscarriage," Jess tells the nurse. "I'm 20 weeks along, but with complications. I'm being treated by Dr. Jacobs in the obstetrics department and I haven't felt the baby move in 24 hours."\n\nThe nurse hands Richard a stack of paperwork and then Jess is rushed off to an ultrasound. Richard whispers encouraging words to her as they hurry through the halls, but Jess can't bring herself to feel optimistic anymore.\n\n[[Next|ER 2]]

But when she brings it up with Richard, she's disappointed in his response.\n\n"I just don't know," he keeps saying. "Maybe it's not the best idea. I mean, how are we going to arrange it with work?"\n\nJess slams her hand on the table. "I thought you said you'd support whatever decision I made. Since when is work more important than family?"\n\n"It's not more important. I'm just trying to be pragamatic."\n\n"Pragmatic? This is our daughter we're talking about. If we can get in at this hosptial, it will give our baby the best possible chance."\n\n"What if there is no chance, Jess?"\n\n"I have to try."\n\n"Damn it, what if something happens to you? What if the complications get that bad. We're probably already losing our baby. Do I have to lose both of you?" \n\n[[Next|Argument 2]]

Meg, Jess's supervisor, looks cheerful when Jess walks through the door. But her expression changes when she sees the look on Jess's face.\n\n"What's wrong?" she asks, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk. \n\nJess can barely bring herself to utter the words. "At the ultrasound on Friday..."\n\nShe has to pause for a few minutes before she can compose herself. Meg pushes a box of tissues across the desk. \n\n"If the baby is born, it's not likely our daughter would survive. Our doctor has recommended that we, well..."\n\nMeg nods. "You don't need to say it if you don't want to." \n\n"The, um, the surgery is Wednesday morning. I'll be out for a few days, but then, after that, I won't be needing to worry about those parental leave plans."\n\n"Look, I think you should go home. Just take the rest of the week off."\n\n"Are you sure? There's so much to do."\n\nMeg drops her gaze. "Look, I don't talk much about my personal life much at the office. Let's just say I can empathize. Take your laptop home; check in if you're able. But focus on yourself and your husband. That's what you need right now."\n\n[[Next|The night before]]

"Do you think we'll hate ourselves if I get an abortion?" Jess asks. "I'm scared of regret more than anything else. Scared of letting this come down to something financial."\n\nRichard takes her hand. "We're in an impossible situation either way. I know you love this baby already. But the doctors have already given us the facts, the possibilities. I don't think money really has to come into it at all."\n\nJess sighs. "I guess I'll call the doctor in the morning."\n\n[[Next|Call doctor]]

But they can't go home. Not until tomorrow, and even that wasn't recommended by the doctor. But Jess doesn't want to stay any longer than she absolutely has to. It's bad enough that she has to spend the night in a hotel in an unfamiliar city rather than in her own bed. \n\nRichard picks up takeout, but Jess can only pick at her food. She knows she needs to eat, but she's too burned out. It doesn't feel like anything is going to be right again.\n\n[[Next|A few weeks later]]\n\n

Jess had been prepared for the pain and exhaustion of labor. She had not been prepared to endure it after learning that her baby had already died. \n\nIt takes sixteen hours before she delivers. The epidural stops some of the pain, but it doesn't make things any easier. There are moments when Jess wishes she was dead instead of her baby. When these feelings wash through her, she grips Richard's hand even tighter and tries to power through. \n\nJess closes her eyes when the labor finally ends. Part of her wants to see her daughter. But she knows if she looks, the memory will haunt her forever.\n\n[[Next|Moving On]]

Jess and Richard are mostly silent on the drive home. Jess's mind is reeling. After all those years of being careful with birth control and waiting until just the right time when both careers were in good places and they could afford a house...\n\nAs they pull into the driveway, Jess breaks down. This was the dream house, the one they'd waited and saved for. The one with plenty of space for a growing family, where they planned to raise all of their kids. Jess hadn't gone off the pill until they'd officially moved in. Her baby was conceived here. \n\nAnd now it's all falling apart. \n\nRichard kills the ignition and pulls her close, holding Jess until her sobs subside.\n\n[[Next|Home 2]]

Jess calls the doctor with a mix of anger, sorrow, and shame weighing on her heart. \n\nShe has to wait for Dr. Jacobs to return her call, and Jess can barely focus on her work while she waits. The call finally comes right before lunch.\n\n"Hi, Jess. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you."\n\n"It's okay. Um. I wasn't sure if I should talk to you or call Dr. Brandt, but, um, Richard and I talked a lot about it, and we've decided that maybe terminating the pregancy is the best choice."\n\nDr. Jacobs sighs. "I agree. I'm sorry you're in this position, but you're making the right choice. Unfortunately, though, based on your chart, you're just past the point where we can perform the procedure here. My advice is to call Dr. Brandt, and if you can't get a referral from him, call me back."\n\nJess swallows hard. "Okay. Thank you, doctor."\n\n"I'm sorry I can't be of more help."\n\n"It's okay," Jess says, though that's a lie. Nothing is okay right now.\n\n[[Next|Try Dr. Brandt]]

"Are you sure about this?" Dr. Jacobs asks. "You realize if you wait more than a few days, I can't perform the procedure."\n\n"I know. But, I mean, we could go to Houston. That wouldn't be so bad. Well, considering the circumstances."\n\n"Jess, I don't think you understand. I'd have to refer you to a clinic in New Mexico. Doctors in Texas can't help you after 20 weeks, even with your medical circumstances."\n\n"I have to go out of state? Seriously? All the way to New Mexico?"\n\n"I'm sorry, Jess. That's the reality of the situation. Are you sure you don't want to come in this afternoon?"\n\nThe thought weighs on Jess. New Mexico? When she weighs the likelihood that the baby will even come to term, she can't help but wonder if waiting is the best choice. \n\n[[Jess decides to follow through with the abortion.|Abortion]]\n\n[[Jess decides to wait.|Miscarriage Bridge]]

The next morning, Jess and Richard sit in the car before the surgery. Jess doesn't want to move. Doesn't want to go in. Doesn't want to follow through.\n\n"Do you think we're making the right decision?" Jess whispers.\n\nRichard nods, a tear falling from his eye. "I do. This is killing me. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. But even if she lived through the birth..."\n\n"She wouldn't have a very happy life, would she?"\n\n"Doesn't seem like it."\n\nAs much as Jess doesn't want to leave the car and lose her baby, she knows that a brief life filled with hospitals and surgeries isn't what she wants for her daughter. Taking a deep breath, she steps out of the car.\n\n[[Next|Abortion 3]]

Jess is given a general anesthetic, though it doesn't put her out completely. She zones out, but is aware of the nurse also administering a local anesthetic. \n\nDr. Jacobs comes in and squeezes Jess's shoulder. For a moment, Jess feels a sense of comfort, as though everything is going to be okay. The general anesthetic seems to be working better now. Jess feels sleepier and begins to zone out. \n\nShe hears Dr. Jacobs talking to the nurse and asking for some equipment. Although she can't feel anything below the waist, she can't ignore what's happening, can't check out completely. \n\nJess isn't sure how long the surgery lasts. Time isn't working the way it should. But eventually, Dr. Jacobs stands up and a nurse wheels a cart out of the room.\n\n"Can I see her?" Jess manages to ask despite her grogginess. \n\n"Let's get you into recovery," Dr. Jacobs says.\n\n[[Next|Recovery]]

Jess and Richard dip into their frequent flier miles to get plane tickets to Albuquerque. The prospect of a 13-hour drive is just too much to handle right now. \n\nThe flight is early, but they'll be in New Mexico in time for the first part of the procedure. Jess already feels drained at the prospect of the trip, but knows that the sooner this is done, the sooner she and Richard can begin grieving. \n\nTo her relief, there aren't any delays or hold-ups. It feels like nothing has gone right for weeks. At least this part of the trip wasn't miserable.\n\n[[Next|New Mexico 2]]